This literally sounds like someone I know that just relapsed.  My response is the same either way.  Problems of those in AA might seem mundane, but it's because the members are working the program and no longer feel ashamed of nor shut the door on the past...a past which often did include horribly shameful things that we felt set us apart from others.  Of course there are painful revelations to be made in sobriety, but what worse revelation is there than to think you are "eternally alone and you hate God?"  Nothing.  AA is for anyone with a desire to stop drinking.  It is that simple.  The things you feel ashamed over are undoubtably things that at least a few other people can directly identify with, though you might not feel it now.  You might not feel it until you hear others say what they did in the past and it is the same thing that you think is so unforgivable.  Anyhow, I really feel for you and my heart goes out. You don't deserve that way of life.  God bless.

Friday wrote:

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I want to belong somewhere. But I am alone, and will remain so.
Too much sexual shame. Cannot let others get close, risk revealations.


Alcohol slows it all down. Sleep away the ugliness of what I am.
How I envy you that can be a part of A.A., and have such mundane problems!
Eternally alone.

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Friday our perception of our past or present is colorized  by our description of it.  It's kind of a "chicken or egg" discussion but we can change our dialog about our past and consequently change our perception of it as byproduct.  Does that mean that we BS ourselves?  Perhaps, but it's probably the UnBSing of ourselves, as we alcoholics add a ton of drama to everything.  And the telling and retelling (reliving) of it keeps the memory fresh in our mind instead of letting it fade away, which it will.  This is explained very well in the movie  "what the bleep do we know".  Please rent it and watch it.

Am I saying that what happened to you wasn't bad?  No.  What I'm saying is that it doesn't have to define you and ruin you present and future.   We All had traumatic experiences as children, young adults, and adults.  We have to learn to move on emotionally and let it go.  Imagine pretending that it doesn't matter for just a day.  Try it.  Then try another day.  That's what one day at a time is. 

Dean

 

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 09:07, 2009-01-18

That could have been me writing what you wrote.  I had no use for God, not because I didnt believe He could help me but rather I was fearful He would punish me.

 

 

I hated going to meetings and listen to stories which did seem mundane.  But I kept going and over time, my walls began to come down.  I had no other choice.  I had to begin trusting someone.

 

 

When I began sharing, I began making friends and then they shared with me.  They didnt always have mundane problems.  They dealt with some pretty serious problems.  How did they deal with them?

 

 

By sharing, by listening, and by praying.  When I let go of my shame is when my Higher Power entered my life.  It may sound trivial because when others said it to me I blew it off.  But it is the truth.  As an alcoholic I needed to trust someone.  And that someone was God.

 

 

When that took place my life changed.  I did some horrible things when I drank but I am not a horrible person.  I am an alcoholic.  Ive made amends and have forgiven myself.  And all that was made possible through God.

 

Creating Dreams, from the nightmares of hell...

-- Edited by Dave Harm at 17:14, 2009-01-18