In my f2f yesterday people were sharing how they drank so they wouldn't feel anything, to become numb. After listening to several of these, I came to realize I (for the most part) was the opposite......
I grew up in a military family. Everything was "buck up, walk it off!" and my older sister caused sooooo much heartache and despair for my mother I learned at an early age to STUFF my feelings. By the time I was a teenager I didn't know if what I felt was right or wrong, so I kept those feelings to myself just in case I was wrong!
When my best friend died 6 yrs ago, I was numb. I drank to be able to cry, to be able to call our other friends and express how sad I was. When my John (or anyone close to me) did something that hurt me, I never knew if the hurt I felt was justfied or not, so I drank and only then could I scream, cry or throw a temper tantrum, let him (them) know I was hurt!
Liquid courage..............
Can anyone else identify?
Thanks for letting me share.
Jen
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
My house was run like a military household when I was young, plus my mom was killed when I was 4, so I had some serious post-traumatic stuff going on from my very early life. Everyone was so guarded and hid their emotions from me. But there was plenty of anger to go around. I got punished severely for having any kind of childhood outburst, and was afraid to do things like cry.
Throughout my whole life I had so much tension and pressure built up inside me from packed-in feelings that I could never let out or even let myself experience, that I drank to "feel something" just as you were describing. I relapsed at times in recovery as well, because I felt so painfully "blank" and "dull" inside that I desperately sought a way to become "animated" again.
I had a lot of emotional problems from the get-go, and alcohol was my only thing to call a "solution" for the longest time.
In my case, I had to go through a long period of therapy as well as meetings and stepwork, in order to start clearing out some of the unresolved feelings about major events in my childhood and adult life. I have learned to give myself permission now to feel things, and have used various tools to "practice" feeling and having a fully human life with emotions and expressions.
Peculiarly enough, as a child, my one outlet was art. And in my adult life, I became quite a painter, fueled by repressed emotions. Now that I am living a somewhat healthier emotional life (somewhat, I repeat..), I am unable to paint the way I used to. But that is something I can work on over time. I am just glad that I have made some progress on the emotional front.
Thanks for this topic, it was good to read that you too used to drink to feel, and it was good fr me to get to respond as well.
(((hugs)))
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Hey Doll I can so relate!!! Would describe myself as an "ostrich" all my life and tended to stuff everything! I can still go there and it can create an emotional bombshell ready to explode any moment!!! I also used that liquid courage early in my nursing career...was scared to death of all the new changes and expectations! Its better today...I know I am doing the best possible job I can do and dont need the booze!!!
I chuckle at my husbands reaction to the new "feeling" me...he looks like Im an alien sometimes when I voice the opinion he never knew I had!!!!
xo
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Liquid permission & self justification for me too, Jen. Your words re not knowing whether your feelings were justified touched me too. I drank to feel & release my emotions too. I didn't know that I was stuffing them in any way cuz I felt guilty for any feelings I ever had of disapproving of situations or not liking how I was treated. I would complain a lot but nothing ever made any difference & for the most part I felt ignored & would beg for attention & approval once I got drunk & let those feelings out. I wasn't ashamed of myself then.. Obviously this didn't last forever & I realised drink was making me more ashamed of myself & continuously putting me in a position to be hurt further.
I always felt powerless, futile & with no right to how I felt cuz I associated how I felt as always negative anyway & I remember my parents giving me the very early message of 'only loving me when I was good'. I kept hold of that on an unconscious level for a very long time. Til Recovery. Now I am working to try & know that I have a right to my feelings. Sometimes I find it hard & confusing though. Especially when we have the question of whether we're hiding a bad motive under a good motive. That question or confusion is a killer for me & I can use it to stuff my feelings too.
Self pity is on a hair trigger for me right now & I'm doing my best to deal with it though I obviously need to give it more to God. However we manage to do that! I think I need to share more too. I need lots of fellowship & support right now but haven't been asking for very much. More fool me. Thanks for your post & honesty, Jen. You have helped me to share, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I can identify as well. Drinking allowed me to express emotion and drama and 'feeling' without feeling self-conscious (until the next day!).
There always seemed to be so many other important things going on with my family that I felt I had to be the 'together' one and I didn't want anything to appear wrong with me, because everyone had enough to cope with. Drinking was catharsis in that way because I wouldn't let myself think/talk about anything at any other times.
Thanks for sharing, it is good to talk through this stuff! xo
