I was thinking today of all the things I have done while intoxicated and feel an embarrassed regret. Just wondering if you all have any advice on how to forgive myself?
I have a lot of these feelings too, so I have been watching for some replies to your post. Most of the skeletons in my closet are drinking related. I guess the one benefit of blackouts is you don't (consciously) carry the guilt and regret around. I have memories, or partial memories of things I have done going back to when I started drinking. There are also the things I was later told I had done. Whenever one of these memories pops into my head, the shame and embarrassment quickly follows. Admitting these things to God and to another person, and asking forgiveness I'm sure will be the process, but I'm curious too, about others experiences.
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Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.
I don't have as many regrets any more, because for one I have had a chance through the steps to see WHY I did the things I did, what "need" I was trying to fill, what instinct in me that had gone awry and was causing it. Then, I was able to make amends to those I had harmed, and make amends to myself, as well. As I worked through the steps, I stoppped HATING myself, and I began to see the "old me" as a pathetic person who needed help, like a truly "lost soul", and I started to pity who I was, and "grieve" all that pain I had both dished out and endured. It was then that I realized that recovery has made me an entriely different person, one who is not chock-full of regrets, nor obsessed with them any longer. One whose life is so full of just TRYING.... TRYING to do the next right thing, that there aren't many "new" regrets to have about what I am doing now.
The problem for me with having kept drinking for so long, is that the regretful acts never stopped. As soon as I did something horrible that I regretted, I would drink to get rid of that feeling, and then do something ELSE regretful as a result. The shame, remorse, regret... just kept piling up and piling up. The steps really do start to put the brakes on this run away train of remorse.
Don't get me wrong, I definitely say stupid things sometimes, and do something that I wish I hadn't.... like buy something extravagant, eat too much junk, tell a joke someone didn't think was funny... stress myself out over silly stuff. But it is a far cry from the mistakes I USED to make, the waking up with strangers, leaving my husband to worry where I was, run the streets all hours of the night, lose jobs left and right, terrorize ex boyfriends, and so on and so on..... Because I don't have to drink any more, I don't have to do those kinds of things any more either, and for this I am truly grateful.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
I was thinking today of all the things I have done while intoxicated and feel an embarrassed regret. Just wondering if you all have any advice on how to forgive myself?
You're going to have that now and then. Have to work the 3rd on it. Getting through your 4th and 5th steps will ease the hard feelings about them
I not only regretted things I did while drinking, because I'd do things without a drink in my hand too. I didn't know how to forgive anyone (truly) or myself. If I can't forgive myself, I can't begin to forgive others and truly start healing. I learned about and begain to practive forgiveness as I started working the Steps. Steps 4 and 5 are very powerful in forgiveness along with many other benifits.
I too still do and say things I wish I could take back, but there are nothing like I use to do and say. And I have the tools, today, to try and make things right.
(I can't forgive others until I can forgive myself)
I just read your bio, thanks for posting it. I've been around AA since the '70's and sober since the late '80's. My mother joined in '75 when I was 15 and I was drinking hard liquor straight and doing a lot of drugs at the time. I went to my first meeting that year and subsequently about every year till I turned 19 and lived at mom's house till I was 19. In those 4 years we had AA people in our house for every holiday and on many other ocasions. For the last 20 something years, AA has been my chosen family. In my observation, not many people, percentage wise, had gotten sober that were still married or in some kind of live in relationship, especially if the other spouse was drinking. That was my story. I tried hard for two years, going to meetings and trying to save a marriage for the sake of my 2 yo and just couldn't focus on myself enough to make it happen.
With all that said, congrats on nearly 3 years and maintaning your marriage (and to our other members who got sober while married). Please share you ESH in that regard as I believe it take extraordinary measures to make that happen and we do have people struggling to do so.
I did want to let you know it's looking like it may be tomorrow before I'll be able to get that post written. Husbands off for two days and for some reason he like to hang out with me today.
