i am new here

Dakota · Senior Member

i am new here

Stephanie14 · Veteran Member

I know what its like to be new. It was really scary for me, but everyone was new once. I know you don't WANT to go to a meeting and if online is all you can handle then ok, but I suggest going and meeting people in person. You will be amazed at the amount of love in the rooms. I sure was and still am at times.

Chances are that you are kidding yourself. No one can decide you are an alcoholic but you. Get your hands on a copy of the Big Book and read the first couple chapters. What has been useful for me is to underline the things that hit home for me. Then when I am wanting a drink, I can read/remember why I don't want to drink.

You sound like you have typical alcoholic thinking going on. We like to beat ourselves up. We would love to be able to drink like other people (just one or two). I say WE because this is a WE program. If we could do it by ourselves many of us would, but we can't.

In the very beginning, the thing that kept me sober most was taking suggestions of alcoholics, going to meetings and calling alcoholics. One suggestion was eat chocolate and it is not as crazy as it seemed. At meetings I stuck to Hi I'm Stephanie and I'm here or even just I'm Stephanie. Calling people was hard for me to do at first. I didn't know them. They didn't know me, BUT they did know me. Thats why this program works soooo well. We do know each other before we even know each others names. Being alcoholic is a way of thinking and doesn't have to be a way of life. Stick around and you will see the gift we have to offer....

Dakota · Senior Member

i didn't think anyone was going to respond! Thanks Stephanie14.

I know I am an alcoholic. I have talked to my husband and my children about it. My daughter feels sorry for me. It is just pathetic.

When you speak of the meetings, i had a good feeling how you said this. I am sure I could benefit by this. But I have excuses that prevent me from taking that step to go...such as:
I know some old friends, that I do not hang out with any more that go to them. But they do not stop drinking! They are actually a lot of trouble so I have avoided them as it was becoming dangerous to associate with them.
And my husband said people hook up with other people and cheat on their spouses. So, obviously he doesn't think I should go.
I am afraid to go. I don't want anyone to know how bad I am, course I am showing my best good friends how terrible I am when I drink stupidly, like last night.

yup, I seem to have a problem with beating myself up too...

It was comforting to read the 12 steps. The Big Book sounds like a good step for me to take next.

Jane05 · MIP Old Timer

Hello Dakota! Glad you're here. You sound like I did, just before I took alcohol to a really dark place. I was drinking 24/7, still had a husband and home, but it was a very lonely and painful place. I'd heard of AA, but only off T.V. shows and the like. But, the day came when I was lead to my first meeting. (Thank God) Stephanie14 told you about the Big Book, (Saved my life) and I'd like to share a part of it with you. It from the Dr.'s Opinion:

Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.

On the other hand-and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand-once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules.

Please check out a meeting. You don't have to do anything, say anything, or sign anything. Just listen and see if you don't hear yourself in some of the others. If you go, please come back and tell us how it went.

Thanks for Sharing!

Dakota · Senior Member

How could I quit for 2 years and be like this again? What will make a psychic change? I mean I don't want to become someone else? I do feel a little confused...

adding in: I just want to say thanks for listening and responding Jane05. I am going to find that book at the bookstore and invest some time on it.
I can see that both you and Stephanie have some good insight and I am dearly needing that! Thank-you very much for your posts.

-- Edited by Dakota at 14:51, 2009-01-01

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Dakota, can you imagine what it would be like if your drinking got much worse and your husband took your children to live somewhere else to get away from you? I didn't hear you mention whether you are currently working now. If you are, can you imagine losing your job and perhaps damaging your career to the point of no return? And if you're not working now, Imagine having to start working again because of your marriage ending. Now imagine getting a couple DUI's and losing your license for 10 years (we leave the bad accident which got you a couple years in jail, out of it for now). Now imagine that vital organs, like your liver, are failing and you badly need a liver transplant to live, yet the Doctors don't want you to have a good liver because you are still drinking. Now imagine that all of your family and friends don't want to have anything to do with you, you can't work and can't pay rent so you're homeless sleeping in a car....Imagine that your children are now teenagers who are drinking and using drugs because they naturally imitate their parents. Sound far fetched? If you are an alcoholic, this is what is waiting for you, while you casually decide if quitting is something that you really want to do. You sound like an educated person. We have more than our fair share of college grads and professionals. In fact intellect seems to work against the process of getting sober. I wasted a couple years because I thought that I was too smart for the program and that I wasn't as sick as most that I'd seen in meetings. I wish that I had better news to tell you, like you can cut back and buy another couple more decades of trouble free drinking , but you didn't come looking for us because you had a small headache this morning.

Dean

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 15:35, 2009-01-01

Dakota · Senior Member

I think you are thinking I am younger than I am. My children are actually teens, all of them. And I am in total agreement with you StPeteDean. Everything you say rings of truth. Think it is probably difficult for me to quit because it isn't an exact science as you say...being a little educated surely may work against me. However, the liver issue does concern me. Although I never thought I have been that bad of a drinker, just have moments that are not good, My triglycerides are up. When i was sober for 2 years, and had been doing good walking exercising etc, my cholesterol and bp were fantastic. I shudder to think what the triglycerides may be on my upcoming physical.

i don't know what gives me license to just drink like this. The other thing is that it truly doesn't take much to make me drunk. So it is also deceptive for myself.

The headache this am wasn't it so much but the let down of myself. I hate myself for letting myself drink to stupid. I had a real bad feeling about what I am doing to myself...It is kind of hard to explain but a dread, a feeling that is just really bad, dooming... I just want to make my life right. I have a very blessed life and my family is fantastic. Why do I need to drink?

I am reading my writing over and I can definitely see that I am in somewhat of a denial.

My husband drinks too. My eldest son drinks occasionally and yes I am duly concerned. I doubt my daughter will do it, but of course, I never ever thought I would become a drinker. It is all very precarious indeed.

I would like to have a completely sober family and maintain a stable loving family as it is so most of the time. If it were miserable, I would be doing the meetings.

I am starting now. I will not drink for today or tomorrow. I will read here and do what I can to make something change about me, although I am not really sure what that is...All I know is that when we stopped for 2 years, it felt good.

I can't imagine my drinking being worse as I can't make myself drink anymore than I do. I can't drink in the afternoon, only in the evening. Except for when we go to the beach in the summer or at a party. hmmm, i can see the denial in myself again.

Tipsy McStagger · Senior Member

Alcohol is obviously causing you pain and grief, perhaps you're not an alcoholic, maybe you're just depressed or you just need to cut back? Who knows for sure? All you do know is that right now you're hurting and you suspect alcohol is the cause...so quit for as long as you feel you need to find out if it really is the problem. Last time I checked booze wasn't going anywhere...it will be there in a week, a month, a year, etc...it will be there to welcome you back with open arms. Commit to living sober for a while and see how it feels. Either you'll realize that it isn't the booze that's making you miserable and you can tick that off of your list, or you'll realize that it is the problem and that you can't stop on your own. Then AA can help you.

Dakota · Senior Member

I hear what you are saying. And it is kind of true. We had an inordinate amount of problems this past month. Major illness in family, major surgery on same person, a death of a family member, terrible travel during holidays for very sad situations and some other, But I held it together pretty well til this past weekend when I had a major meltdown. I talked to my pastor and got some help there. But i did go on a drinking binge with a couple family members and wish to God I could have not done that. It surely added a last straw effect. I felt horrible sad.

I think that there may be different kind of alcoholics? My doc told me a while ago that I didn't sound like i was one. But have had some anxiety over some real issues in my life. So, depression sure can bring about some additional probs with drinking. It is a pretty bad mix, seeing as it is like a double dose of depression...

I need to pray more. I need to stop drinking. I know it will only make my life and those around me feel better. I love my family more than anything in this world. The booze can be better left at the liquor store, right?

Especially when I am experiencing this stuff.... Funny I never even thought about all of that til you mentioned being depressed. I feel like i have been through the mill.

I thought I was doing pretty good, really wasn't all that intent on going out last night. If I had stayed in, I wouldn't have drank that much. I would have had a couple wines and watched tv after a nice dinner and gone to bed....

adding in: hind sight always tends to be 20:20! Although, my hind sight has been a little blighted by all of the crap going on in my life and throughout the most stressful holidays of the year! I am going to become a Jehovah's Witness (jk) But I kind of understand why they don't celebrate like some , especially the older i get.

-- Edited by Dakota at 18:11, 2009-01-01

-- Edited by Dakota at 18:13, 2009-01-01

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

Welcome, Dakota.

It is tough for some folks to make that first step of going to a meeting. But it is there that you will find the face to face support that you need. You will hear storeis about how people went even further than you have, who have totally wrecked their lives, and where you could end up if this gets any worse. (And for an alcoholic, the consequences always get worse, never better.) It is there in meetings where you will be accepted from day one, and meet folks who are just like you, who drank just like you do, who felt the same feelings afterward, who had the same fears of jumping in to the AA program. But who came and got help, and now want to help others find happiness through sobriety.

No one will require you to do anything in an AA meeting. There are no rules or regulations for being an AA member. The only requirement is a desire to stop drinking. And some people go to meetings for a long time before they even have the desire to actually quit. There is real help available there. A happier group of people who help each other stay sober one day at a time. People who are only there to help eachother to realize that life can be infinitely wonderful without the drink.

I hope you will take the step to go to just one AA meeting. It is anonymous. Just to listen and see what it's all about. It is not a cult, and no one forces anyone to do anything there. It is a place of real help and hope for those who can't stop drinking.

Take care, and nice to meet you online, Dakota. Prayers going up for you tonight.

Joni

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Dakota wrote:

I think you are thinking I am younger than I am. My children are actually teens, all of them. And I am in total agreement with you StPeteDean. Everything you say rings of truth. Think it is probably difficult for me to quit because it isn't an exact science as you say...being a little educated surely may work against me. However, the liver issue does concern me. Although I never thought I have been that bad of a drinker, just have moments that are not good, My triglycerides are up. When i was sober for 2 years, and had been doing good walking exercising etc, my cholesterol and bp were fantastic. I shudder to think what the triglycerides may be on my upcoming physical.

i don't know what gives me license to just drink like this. The other thing is that it truly doesn't take much to make me drunk. So it is also deceptive for myself.

The headache this am wasn't it so much but the let down of myself. I hate myself for letting myself drink to stupid. I had a real bad feeling about what I am doing to myself...It is kind of hard to explain but a dread, a feeling that is just really bad, dooming... I just want to make my life right. I have a very blessed life and my family is fantastic. Why do I need to drink?

I am reading my writing over and I can definitely see that I am in somewhat of a denial.

My husband drinks too. My eldest son drinks occasionally and yes I am duly concerned. I doubt my daughter will do it, but of course, I never ever thought I would become a drinker. It is all very precarious indeed.

I would like to have a completely sober family and maintain a stable loving family as it is so most of the time. If it were miserable, I would be doing the meetings.

I am starting now. I will not drink for today or tomorrow. I will read here and do what I can to make something change about me, although I am not really sure what that is...All I know is that when we stopped for 2 years, it felt good.

I can't imagine my drinking being worse as I can't make myself drink anymore than I do. I can't drink in the afternoon, only in the evening. Except for when we go to the beach in the summer or at a party. hmmm, i can see the denial in myself again.

Hi Dakota,

I didn't pretend to know how old you were. I was just expressing some of the more fequent problems that alcoholics tend to have. It's a progressive disease and it's not linear, it's usually exponential, or like a cliff. People just tend fall off and it's relitively sudden. No one expects it. One of the cruelist things about it is how the amount of alcohol that your body can tolerate fluctuates, and you can never antisipate it. One night you can drink several drinks and maintain. The next night a couple drinks puts you completely under and later in blackouts where you no recall of what happened for hours. Many us drove in blackouts and woke up terrified wondering if we'd killed someone or wrecked our car. There are so many ways that this disease can kill. But the sad part is that for most alcoholics it destroys families.

My Son is 21 and in College now. When he was born, I decided that I didn't want him to have a drunk for a father, like I did. I took me two years to finally get sober. One of the things that helped me tremendously was reading John Bradshaw books ("On the family", "Healing the shame that binds us") about Adult children of Alcoholics (which I am one). It describes in detail the kind of damage that Alcoholic parents do to their children, robing them of their self esteem ect... Once I understood what had happened to me, I was very motivated to not have that happen to my son. And to break the multi generatinal chain of this family disease, or at least my link in it. 19.5 years later, I'm very grateful that I was exposed to these programs. They saved much more than my life.

Dean

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 20:05, 2009-01-01

Tipsy McStagger · Senior Member

I couldn't help thinking about you and how much your post reminded me of myself and the way I was thinking before I first decided to go to AA. Finally things got so bad that I forced myself to go and much to my embarrassment I bawled like a fat little baby through the whole meeting. Naturally being a dude I felt like a real twat...luckily a really nice old lady reached out to me and told me that it was okay and to just let it out. I remember her saying something like "You just passed the test, only alcoholics cry at their first meetings." I'm sure she was only kidding, trying to make me smile, but after thinking about maybe there was some wisdom to what she said. If I went to a gamblers anonymous meeting would I cry? No. If I went to a sex addicts anonymous meeting would I cry? Maybe, but only if I couldn't get any phone numbers :p Seriously though, maybe it's a valid test...maybe the intense emotion an alcoholic feels when surrounded by others with the same affliction is something that we can't surpress...or maybe I've had to much coffee and my racing mind makes me think too much about silly things.

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

I too cried my way unashamedly & blatantly all the way through a meeting. It was such an amazing release. I was 3mths sober & had nearly took a drink at the weekend. It was one of the many miracles I experienced of passing through another threshold into new territory in sobriety that helped me to get through & learn so much in my early recovery & I remember feeling so incredibly safe & unchallenged. It was simply ok for me to cry. Nobody tried to fix me. Nobody tried to change me. An oldtimer held my hand & the meeting went on. I've heard this referred to as the 'AA Cry'. I felt so safe, surrendered & accepted & I kept on coming back. Welcome to MIP all you Newcomers & good luck in your meetings. May you find the same joy & peace within them that I have too. Love in Fellowship, Danielle x

Quetzal · MIP Old Timer

Hi Dakota,

Welcome to MIP.

I know that I couldn't stay sober without going to my meetings. I tried for a little while, but it just didn't work. I needed the support and strength of other people around me who knew exactly where I was coming from and how it felt.

I remember walking in to my first meeting and just feeling so frightened. But, I was greeted with such warmth and care that I instantly felt at home. I knew that I was in the right place.

I tried to cut down on my alcohol intake and I just couldn't. I switched what I usually drank, but that didn't work either. I know a guy who went to a hypnotherapist, and that didn't work for him. I know of people of have been dry drunks for a long time, until they came to AA and found real recovery.

I would suggest trying out a few meetings. They could save your life.

In the meantime, here is a link to our Big Book. It could be worth a read.

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you?

Take care,

Carol

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Your husband seems to want you to work on your drinking, but has doubts about AA like many people do. It is possible he could attend a meeting with you and identify himself as being there for support. That way he could see what AA is and support your journey in a better way, if indeed you do decide you want AA to be part of your life. Of course there are people who sleep with each other and cheat on their spouses, but there are infinitely more people in AA who do not. You will meet people sicker than you, who hit lower bottoms, but AA is primarily for you and you choose to identify with what makes sense to you. Your family support sounds amazing and that could be awesome inspiration not to drink, but ulimately it does sounds like YOU don't like what drinking is doing to you. More than possibly admitting "I am an alcoholic," I credit you for recognizing you need to work on yourself to be a better person, better mom, wife...etc... It is up to you to figure out how much alcohol is playing in the problems...but I can say taking any step to get help is a good one whether it is marital counseling, family counseling, going to church more, talking to your pastor (as you did), or possibly checking out AA. Try not to beat yourself up, you are doing all the right things for the moment to try and take care of yourself. Also, you don't have to buy a big book usually. If you go to a meeting and identify you are new, most of the time they will give you one for free...not that getting free stuff is the motive for going.

Dakota · Senior Member

As you probably know, I feel a few miles away from the exasperation I was feeling yesterday. I know that this is a little disconcerting to those of you whom are taking this bull by the horns and head on dealing with the addiction and how to keep yourselves healthy. I know that this is indeed my alcoholism and I know I have an addiction. I just want to not believe that. (but I know it is true)

It seems that there are various triggers in my life that will give me this open door to drink more.

Going to a bar to listen to talent shows, meet friends, always turns out miserable for me. I hate bars and do not ever want to go to one again. ... Pollyanna left my spirit a long time ago. (often wonder what the story of her went on to be after the accident and she was paralyzed).

Other triggers I guess are end of the day release of stress, and other low emotions. Funny choosing to drink depressants when already depressed. I don't understand that at all.

Lots of life changes and losses and things seem to have been the influence this past week. Learning to see it coming might be a good exercise for me to start. I should have known better than to take off past weekend with the purpose of just drinking due to all of the sadness and some real anger I had a lot of.

Thanks for the information and the warm welcome. It is indeed a beginning. It makes me feel that there is a possibility for me to actually make some real improvements. Not just talk about them.

I will be looking at the Big Book! This stuff is all new to me, even though I am no spring chicken. guess I have plenty to learn still.

Thanks so very much people.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Good Luck on you new journey Dakota. This is the easier and softer way.

Dakota · Senior Member

I did a bit of reading yesterday. I like the book. Bill really went through it all didn't he. His wife must have been an unbelievable saint. She stayed with him through all of that? Just amazing. God love good family!

Thanks stpetedean for your wishes. It means something to have this ability to talk a little on this matter.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Dakota wrote:

His wife must have been an unbelievable saint. She stayed with him through all of that?

Divorce wasn't very common in the 1930's wink