I know you're tired. I know you feel overwhelmed. You may feel as though this crisis, this problem, this hard time will last forever.
It won't. You are almost through.
You don't just think it has been hard; it has been hard. You have been tested, tried, and retested on what you have learned.
Your beliefs and your faith have been tried in fire. You have believed, then doubted, then worked at believing some more. You have had to have faith even when you could not see or imagine what you were asked to believe. Others around you may have tried to convince you not to believe in what you were hoping you could believe.
You have had opposition. You have not gotten to this place with total support and joy. You have had to work hard, in spite of what was happening around you. Sometimes, what motivated you was anger; sometimes fear.
Things went wrong - more problems occurred than you anticipated. There were obstacles, frustrations, and annoyances en route. You did not plan on this being the way it would evolve. Much of this has been a surprise; some of it has not been at all what you desired.
Yet, it has been good. Part of you, the deepest part that knows truth, has sensed this all along, even when your head told you that things were out of whack and crazy; that there was no plan or purpose, that God had forgotten you.
So much has happened, and each incident - the most painful, the most troubling, and the most surprising - has a connection. You are beginning to see and sense that.
You never dreamt things would happen this way, did you? But they did. Now you are learning the secret - they were meant to happen this way, and this way is good, better than what you expected.
You didn't believe it would take this long, either - did you? But it did. You have learned patience.
You never thought you could have it, but now you know you do.
You have been led. Many were the moments when you thought you were forgotten, when you were convinced you had been abandoned. Now you know you have been guided.
Now things are coming into place. You are almost at the end of this phase, this difficult portion of the journey. The lesson is almost complete. You know - the lesson you fought, resisted, and insisted you could not learn. Yes, that one. You have almost mastered it.
You have been changed from the inside out. You have been moved to a different level, a higher level, a better level.
You have been climbing a mountain. It has not been easy, but mountain climbing is never easy. Now, you are near the top. A moment longer, and the victory shall be yours.
Steady your shoulders. Breathe deeply. Move forward in confidence and peace. The time is coming to relish and enjoy all, which you have fought for. That time is drawing near, finally.
I know you have thought before that the time was drawing near, only to learn that it wasn't. But now, the reward is coming. You know that too. You can feel it.
Your struggle has not been in vain. For every struggle on this journey, there is a climax, a resolution.
Peace, joy, abundant blessings, and reward are yours here on earth. Enjoy.
There will be more mountains, but now you know how to climb them. And you have learned the secret of what is at the top.
Today, I will accept where I am and continue pushing forward. If I am in the midst of a learning experience, I will allow myself to continue on with the faith that the day of mastery and reward will come. Help me, God; understand that despite my best efforts to live in peaceful serenity, there are times of mountain climbing. Help me stop creating chaos and crisis, and help me meet the challenges that will move me upward and forward.
From The Language of Letting Go
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Thanks for posting this today, Qx I needed to read it. The message hasn't quite sunk in with me entirely cuz I am still quite feeling sorry for myself. I went to a meeting today & did the main share. I talked about how I was in my childhood, teens & twenties & very much of it was not pretty. I talked about my self pity, resentment, bitterness & anger at my own failures & alcoholism in my life. So much of what I said was based on the worst of the negativity that I have lived through in my own head & behaviour. I hated to share it but I felt I had to be honest to say where I'd come from & why I am in this program now.
I've only recently been able to scratch the surface of my alcoholism in terms of sharing it in meetings & it's my way of letting myself be known & to say 'yes, I am one of you, my life has not been pretty with me in the middle of it & I needed to stop drinking & to change'. My difficulty is that I resent having said all of this stuff to a room full of people who could seriously look down on me & see that I was a failing alcoholic who's good intentions were steeped in selfseeking & delusions of grandeur of how much I actually had to offer others.
I feel angry; that I've prostituted myself in order to be accepted in AA, to prove I even am an Alcoholic & I'm resentful that I felt I had to share the worst of myself to prove what, I don't know? I hate the confessional sharing side in trying to defeat this illness & I hate that my confidence itself was not enough to get me by in life before. I feel & have been proved right time & time again that I lack ability to do well in life as if I have some kind of learning disability & no reality grip in life. It's wierd. Like I'm a mass of contradictions & apparently this is symptomatic of my alcoholism too.
The thing I hate about sharing my negativity is that it doesn't always free me but my head can use it to tell me & everyone else too that 'yes, I am a failure, look what I'm having to do just to stay away from that first drink & that I'll never amount to anything anyway & how can I when I still do not know who I am!' (So far my main New Year resolution is never to speak to myself like such a piece of shit again).
I don't know what anyone got from my share as everyone just shared back about themselves but they didn't place any emphasis on anything I said so I felt insecure & wanted to leave the room for the first few shares after I finished. I very often feel like this doing a main share. I hate to tell people about the worst sides of myself but at the same time I feel like it's somehow essential to be real with others but I still hate it. I wanted to grow & to get away from my old life & today reminded me everything about it & now not only that but everyone in the room is now aware of it too. There's nothing worse than not only feeling like a failure, proving it to everyone & now feeling like that's it & all about it.
I hate that I've said these horrible things about me, my life & how I was. I don't know if I'd feel any different if people shared back & made it more obvious to me that I had helped them somehow with my honesty. My pride is hurt that I feel I humiliated myself to try & make others feel better about themselves & maybe in turn reassure me too. I hate & feel insecure about myself right now & I wanted to escape it all. Shake off this new life that challenges me & asks me to face myself & let me go to my Higher Power.
I've had no true faith today & I hope the message in this post is all I need to remember. I wanted to drink again but I know it's no longer any answer for me. Reality can still so often be painful to live in being me & I haven't learned how to thoroughly & consistently use my program to help me daily. I will sit down with my Sponsor in the New Year & work out how I can carry out my amends. I hope this will help me. I have not had the Spiritual Awakening that the Steps promise as yet but I am still hopeful.
If anyone can relate or help me to see sense I would truly appreciate the love & understanding right now. Thankyou, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
THANKYOU forsuch a wonderful share, and totally relevant for this flat ,tired' fed up 'alcoholic!! i have been feeling off beam for a few weeks now and these negative voices are truly starting to take force ]if i let them} it's only through really keeping it simple [falling out with my head } and trying to see a funny side !!!1to the madness ,going to meetings and picking the phone up, is when i can take a break cause it does get tiring sruggling to the top ! i really can feel for you danielle, even when we've been the brave,selfless, caring that we can be. we can still pick fault or doubt ourselves, we've been climbing these mountains !!!we've got a few summit's under our belt's, it's such hard work but when i think of our H.P,s love that surrounds us all just waiting with open arms makes me feel better goodnight godbless fellow treckers x x x
Thank you so very much for your share. I could relate to so much of what you shared with us.
I have been struggling for the past week with my program and feelings of not being 'good enough', and drinking thoughts. I guess it's had something to do with the holiday season and just feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't be with the man I love.
I have always been a quiet person and sharing at meetings hasn't come easily to me. I always used to think that people were judging me as a failed human and would talk about me after the meeting. But, I have learned that it wasn't them - it was me.
I was the only person judging myself.
I have so much bad stuff that I have done and said and thought while I have been drinking. I despise that part of me. But, all I have is today and the person that I am becoming through working my program. I'm not a bad person, but I'm not a saint either. I'm somewhere in the middle of the range, just like everybody else that I know in AA.
Danielle, of course you helped people with your share. So often, after a meeting is over, I will think of something that was said by the speaker and it helps me enormously. Quite a few times I am sure that it has saved me from picking up a drink again.
I only have one story that I can tell about my drinking. But, every time I tell it, it reminds me of just how bad things really were when I was drinking and reinforces to me that I never want to pick up again.
Just hang in there, my dear friend, it really will get better. You're a good and caring person and everyone here on MIP is so lucky that you are here for us. Thank you for your daily posts.
(((Hugs)))
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Thanks so much to both of you for your caring & sharing with me. I felt so much better last night after sharing here & then having an honest chat with another member. The truth is that humility doesn't come easy with me & I'm full of show & embarassment. I still obviously can feel I have a lot to prove lol To who? lol 'We will see how our past will benefit others'
When I discard my pride & negative thinking I cas see how my admitting my weakness made me me available & receptive to others. Lost people feel they can relate & if I stop wanting to compete in the big, wide, world, isn't it really the struggling & the suffering who need help more than anyone? They haven't & we didn't even have a foothold at one point & we had to start again.
I need to stop being embarressed that I had to start again. It's a fact of my existence & I must remember to remain ever grateful that there was fellowship for me when I was dying inside & there is still fellowship for me now while I'm budding & even sometimes flourishing! Thank you for your kindness always & remembering the words of our Sobriety Song to me when I forget them. If I remember to continue on in humility I won't hurt as much :) But, I can still be a bad case of self will run riot lol
On another plus point, I made an amend to an old boyfriend by email this morning & we spoke online. It turns out he is having a rock bottom & I shared my ES&H with him. He's going into rehab in January Godwilling & he has some of our literature. I'll give him a little guidance in his first few weeks & see if he enters the fold of the fellowship where he'll gain better protection. He is hoping to regain his daughter & ex back in his life but he knows he has to do this for him first.
It was such a relief to be able to help him a little. He was a big part of my 'fall from grace' in 2003 after which I did a couple of geographicals, came back to Liverpool 2005 & bottomed out in 2006 when I stopped drinking so I'm hoping his time will be 2009 but I know I am powerless over his journey & there is no concern for me here. I'll do what I can but ultimately will let go because it's important for it to be men for men & women for women. I will offer gentle help towards finding his own feet on the good path of recovery & will leave it there.
Thank God for principles before personalities & all recovery offers me in learning how to protect me & others whilst still being of help & useful. I love this fellowship. Thank you both & everyone here for yours, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Hi Danielle For me, I still get that little feeling of embarrassment when I share but then I realize...that was the old me!!!! I can be proud, all by myself and for myself, that I am no longer that person. Remembering and sharing the bad times is what keeps myself and others sober. Think of all the shit you have heard from others and how it reminds you that you never want to be there again...somewhere, somehow, you have helped someone, somewhere...whether they tell you that or not!!! Im glad you were able to share where you were with us and with someone face to face to help you realize that its OK!!!! Really!!! We are not saints!!!!
This is a good reminder for me today because I had a few days of really feeling inadequate at work and alls I wanted to do was take a big old glass of wine and drown my feelings of self pity and loathing. But, upon praying and talking about it and giving it up to my HP, I realized...I absolutely did the best job I could do and all the things I imagined were wrong with me were just in my head!!! Today I rarely have these feelings of feeling stupid or worthless mostly because I didnt take that first drink and I have faith and hope that all is well as long as I stay sober and truly do my own personal best!!!
We dont need to hear from others how great we are....although it is nice....as long as we always strive to do the best dang job we can in this whirlwind called life!!!! Glad you are feeling better my friend!!! You are an inspiration to me!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
forsuch a wonderful share, and totally relevant for this flat ,tired' fed up 'alcoholic!! i have been feeling off beam for a few weeks now and these negative voices are truly starting to take force 
]if i let them} it's only through really keeping it simple [falling out with my head } and trying to see a funny side !!!1to the madness ,going to meetings and picking the phone up, is when i can take a break cause it does get tiring sruggling to the top ! i really can feel for you danielle, even when we've been the brave,selfless, caring that we can be. we can still pick fault or doubt ourselves, we've been climbing these mountains !!!we've got a few summit's under our belt's, it's such hard work but when i think of our H.P,s love that surrounds us all just waiting with open arms makes me feel better goodnight godbless fellow treckers x x x