This morning I'm sitting here reflecting on the last 50 years of my life and I read the post about Hanumans friend dying and I know how short our life can be. Today is my 50th birthday and last month I celebrated my 20th year of sobriety. I offically started drinking when I was 12 years old, but I had drank from my dads beer can many times as a small child and could always have a sip of wine, and then there where the hot toddies when I was sick, honey and lemon, and the whiskey, yummmmm! My Mom would give me a valium at the age of 10 through 13 , when I was to upset to handle life, and it was the 60's and 70's so I smoked my share of pot, and did whatever came along.
When I was 15 years old I tried to kill myself, thank God it didn't happen and again when I was almost 30 and drinking a gallon of vodka ievery 2 days, I cried out to God and told him to show me he was real or I would kill myself and this time I would succeed. My experience that day on my knees in my living room was much like Bill W's in "As Bill Sees It" pg 2 . I knew nothing about AA at the time, but I took the first 3 steps that morning and I felt God in that room , the God I had turned my back on many years before filled the room with His love and His light and lifted me up, delivered me from alcohol in that instant, He set me free and led me down the road to recovery. I am on that journey still today. I found AA and Al-anon 6 years later,and I thank God for the healing the programs give me today, I also have a loving church family who has been beside me through it all. I tell my story and they have always embraced me. There are some groups who would turn their back on someone who has been married three times, a drunk, a bartender, still married to a alcoholic who just got out of prison. But the grace of God has been with me, and I give Him praise , honor and glory He is due.
I thank all the people in AA, Al-anon and on this board who have shared their experience, strength and hope with me, my life is so much richer because of you all. I guess I am turning 50 today, but I feel so much younger then when I was 15 or 29, because I was so miserable then and now I can live life on lifes terms, one day at a time. I thank my God each day for that day and know that if my life ends today, I've done the very best I could.
I pray you all have a happy, joyous, sober day. And if you don't feel that way may I suggest you go out and find another drunk to reach out to , be it a newcomer at a meeting or one on the street,we have to give this program away to truly be happy and free.God bless you all and I love each and everyone of you in a special way.
I am a new member and am just looking into the way that AA can help me to regain sanity and normality into my life. I feel you all are experienced to hear me out and maybe give me some words of advice. I also grew up in a dysfunctional home where my father was the pitiful alcoholic and my mother took control and manipulated everyone.
Today I am also an abuser of alcohol every time I feel vulnerable or alone or resentful towards someone I have a drink and everything just seems to feel easier to think about. Of course one drink becomes three and that is it. I know I can choose to not have those drinks but I choose to. Now, how can I find a real reason for not having that drink? I have a very good and normal life to any outsider but I am making my husband very unhappy because nothing he can do makes me happy for more than 5 min.
I feel that the program is going to benefit me but I dont know if it will benefit me even while I am still drinking. I feel guilty for not being able to commit to that but I am able and willing to commit to the relationship changes that I have to make. Please let me know what you think because I have no one else to talk to who will understand. My father passed away last year at the age of 53 and I have two young children in my life whom I love more than anything in the world but I am still depressed every day. I am only happy when I or someone else am/is doing something for me specifically. I feel very selfish but I can't fiind happiness any other way. My husband tries so hard but I think he is giving up on me because I take so much and dont give enough- I want more than anything for him to know ho much I really care about him.
I'm coming in two days late, and can't believe I nearly missed that share!!!!
Good on you Gammy, and HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!!
What a wonderful outlook... I feel really inspired. 50, and feeling younger than you were at 15...You are so right, though. Crikey, wasn't that a hard haul back then?... Heaven help me if I'm ever sent back to do that teen drunk stint again..ugh! I think I'd be telling the heavenly dude to check the roster, and find someone else for that issue...
I've put in overtime since I was a kid too. It's kind of hard to recognise where it all began, when you just always remember drinking and being medicated, isn't it? And I found it real easy in the early days to blame my folks and get all self righteous like they were just plain uncaring or stupid or something. The timeframes were so different though... (ooh, don't I hate referring to them, wish I could just be like my kids and just have one) but you're right...about the different eras and how things were dealt with...
I found some peace in history. I like looking at how things have changed and developed and looking at how things evolve has kind of helped me understand. Our parents did what MANY parents did alongside advances in medicine. It was presented as such a wonderful thing...pills for this and that...and many were handed out just in case. Grog was the earliest medicine and it (and diluted cocaine)was handed for all sorts of ailments in the very early days (fever, hyperactivity, wounds, headaches etc). And no-one seemed at all worried when we were then given grog (to help us sleep, settle us down or shut us up) as kids, because so many had grown up without access to the other forms of medication - that was just the way it was....I can remember them hooting with laughter when I screwed my face up at wine..."Ah give the kid some scotch!!!!"
It has only been by trial and error that we know different today. I guess someone had to be the guinea pigs...and it just so happened we were part of the generational experiment.
Good to be here, huh? 50 years of survival... There's a big goal there. You made it Gammy...and I dunno why, but I feel real proud of you. Like I did when I heard my kids first word...I love watching people grow. It's very special. Thankyou for sharing that.
I think I'd be telling the heavenly dude to check the roster, and find someone else for that issue...
) but you're right...about the different eras and how things were dealt with...