I love these words. These are the words that gave me my true beginnings & helped me to realise & define who I am & how I fit in with the world. The world is my Life & I no longer have to live in my head. I finally finished my initial understanding of 6&7 with a sitting & setting down of my first Step8 on Thurs 4th. I wrote a prayer at the bottom of the page asking my Higher Power to help me remember anyone else who it may be necessary to write down too. I know this list won't be exhaustive. 

I then arranged to meet with my Sponsor to discuss amends for Tues 9th which she cancelled by text on the day as she was having back pain after an appointment. I was sorely disappointed being keen to get on into my Growth Steps & having had some confusion around appropriate actions for amends that had been arising. I'm obviously only used to procrastination rather than patience so when it wasn't all going at the pace I wanted I got quite upset! I'm a 'leave it for a bit & then when I'm ready, demand it now' kind of alcoholic.

So I accepted I wasn't going to get much done that night & felt resentment towards my Sponsor which I didn't help to expel by giving her a call & speaking directly. Getting into texting & not speaking person to person is a bad habit of mine & it creates distance & disconnection. It's not the same as an intimate heart to heart chat. So it stretched on this distance & I forgot to keep on doing the good things that were keeping me well as I went like praying my 3rd & 7th Step prayers each morning & giving gratitude each evening.

I thought getting into Step 9 properly was the only bridge to my Step 10 but I finally got honest with my Sponsor last night & told her I was feeling alone, needing of her & wanting to talk & arrange to do this work. Still all by text but at least with more substance this time. She told me that she'd said I could get on & do Steps 10 & 11 every day once 6 & 7 had settled in & I was already praying every morn & night. I didn't remember her saying this at all which is ironic because I'd been coming so close to feeling a sense of maintenance up until recent days!

So here I am. I fell out of my Sobriety saddle again last night & this morning, feeling lost & off my AA Beam. I knew there was something amiss & I couldn't put my finger on it. Here it is.. While I was 'waiting for my Sponsor' I forgot I could already entirely depend on my own Higher Power & this would have given me my necessary patience to wait anyway! I woke up this evening for my nightshift & before I got out of bed I wrote in my Love Book another note for my God. I shared with Him where my heart had been & how I'd forgotten how to let Him help me because I found the independence my dependence upon my HP gives me so seductive that I'd run off with it & hadn't kept my conscious contact with Him instead relying entirely on another human being which, in my earlier days, may have been acceptable but with a little time & experience behind me I now have a whole armoury of tools I can use as well.

Very simple really & my Program is now settled back into my Daily Discipline. I can only be Happy, Joyous & truly Free if I keep doing what I'm doing. I obviously always need to check out my thinking & actions with my trusted members but it is my Program  & my Higher Power that is bringing the essential stability & structure into my Life that I have always needed & craved. It has taken me 2yrs to learn, allow & surrender into this Program's help but the Steps are solidifying into my Life like an everyday pattern & I know that working these Steps now gives me the security & freedom I've always wanted. I am looking forward to deeper guidance from my conscious contact too which is a deep & personal relationship which will be fun to try & share on in some future opportunities :)

This process may sound strange if you're a Newcomer but it is how it works & you'll come to learn how to have it work for you too. Little over 2yrs ago I was in a hideously sick relationship. I could hardly study & I had nothing to show for my formative years than a mess of my life & an ever repeating hangover. Today I have loving relationships with ALL of my family, longstanding female friendships, my fellowship about me & a boyfriend who works his Program even better than I do. I have you with me here at MIP & a wonderful future to look forward to 1Day@aTime.

If I keep doing what I'm doing & sharing the entire product I know I'll have nothing to fear because I have dealt with all the worst of my problems & can now keep a stable state of mind. That is peace of mind & that is Sobriety. I can live in Today & I don't have to take a drink. I know I've still so much to learn & keep on learning but I feel I'm well placed & grounded in my foundations to begin some maturing in my practice. I've learned alot how to deal with all of my simple little problems that God may think me worthy of some further responsibility. I had to surrender in order to gain any of this & it has been hard. But He will keep helping me if I keep asking Him.

I don't truly hold with the masculine pronoun for my God but it works & doesn't deeply conflict with my understanding of my Higher Power. It's only a word & for me the meaning is so intangibly real that words could never do it justice whichever way. I know in my heart where it resides & how it works when I ask & allow for it so the words don't matter. My next actions is to carry out my prayers & inventory daily & to remember continuing surrender of my defects knowing practice makes progress.

I hope & wish for each of you a peace in your Day Today no matter what is coming up for you. It is good to be here & to be alive. Keep on keeping on & thank you so much for letting me share & helping me to stay Sober Today. God bless you, Danielle x