I know this is a common story, but it's sort of a first for me.
I found out recently that a long time friend in the program is drinking again. It's not surprising, he quit going to meetings some time ago and I lost touch shortly after - it seemed we had nothing in common if he wasn't doing meetings. He had some long term sobriety, but a prior history of relapsing when things were going very well for him in other aspects of his life. At any rate, he was a good friend when I needed one. When he drifted away, I didn't chase after him - I knew it would only succeed in making me miserable, and would do him no good. He took on other priorities in life, which squeezed out AA gradually and eventually completely. Some people can do this and remain happy and sober the rest of their lives... I don't believe I'm one of them and wouldn't want to try it. Apparently, my friend is not either.
I haven't spoken to him... it's all here-say. I don't know if he has a desire to come back and get sober, or what his circumstances may be. He knows were to find us when he's ready, if ever.
It's interesting how people come and go in our lives. One thing AA has taught me is that we can learn from people, and God works through people and speaks through people. But not just one. When it comes to friends, confidantes, teachers... I don't put all my eggs in one basket anymore. So I'm not really having any great feelings of loss here - those feelings began several years ago, and I've long since resolved them. This person was once a very regular part of my life - we kept up to date on all of our family goings-on, professional life, etc. That has been nonexistent now for a while.
Sometimes people come back into my life, usually when I least expect it but sometimes when I've had a fleeting thought about them, and either I initiated contact, or they just happened to be thinking about me and called up. I recently got back in touch with another old friend. I thought it had been 10 years; actually it had been 16. It was an interesting experience because he really hadn't changed - my life has been made over twice since I saw him; he was like a favorite old book on the shelf - when I pull it out and dust it off, it still reads the same. We drifted apart due to my own life changes, that pulled me away from what our common interests were. Those interests have been rekindled (in large part by my current fiance) and I found myself thinking about him, so I got in touch. I doubt if we'll ever spend as much time together as we used to, but hopefully we will get together again here and there - even if it's just for dinner now and then.
Anyway... I'm kind of rambling but I've had a lot of thoughts on the fellowship and friendship of AA. Almost simultaneously with the news of my old friend going back out, an even older friend has re-appeared in my home group. He has remained sober, but not come to our meeting in many years and he has become a regular once again. I liked the guy back then, but didn't get to know him very well - now I have a whole new opportunity. He could vanish again... oh well. If I keep showing up, I'll see many more come and go. And I'll stay sober, which is what really counts.
I too relasped after many years sober because I had gradually stopped going to meetings. Because no one in A.A. knew that I had relapsed, no one knew to try to come to the rescue, until I finally admitted to my sponsees that I relapsed and needed help getting back. And, they did help me get back, and now I'm two years sober again.
You might try just a simple call to your friend, and see if he will admit that he's drinking. If he does admit it to you, you can just say that you love him, and if he needs you to walk with him back into a meeting of A.A., you're ready to do so, with no judgment. That's what one of my sponsees did for me; and I don't believe I would have gotten back without her willingness to take that first step along my side back into a meeting.
If he does not admit to you he is drinking, or if he says he still doesn't want or need A.A., there's not much you can do, other than say that if he ever changes his mind, you'll be there for him.
Hope this helps; and happy for you that you re-connected with another old friend.
BGG wrote:If he does not admit to you he is drinking, or if he says he still doesn't want or need A.A., there's not much you can do, other than say that if he ever changes his mind, you'll be there for him.
I'm not sure how to approach other than maybe just dashing off a curious email. I don't know where he might be with his pride, etc. The other thing I have in my head is that you should never go on a 12 step call alone... if I am contacting someone who I know is drinking, even by email, I want to make sure I tell someone else what I'm doing, and make sure my own head is in the right place. I've certainly heard from those who went back out before, and how they say they are doing just fine, not a problem, etc... not that it will make me go drink myself, just that I really don't need to hear it. While this person wasn't my sponsor and in fact had less sobriety than me, he is older than me and was something of a mentor in a few things. But I guess I have enough experience to know that some of the "voices of wisdom" occasionally spout bullshit, and the odds increase by about a factor of 1000 if the person is drinking... LOL.
I don't know what I'm going to do, probably nothing. Certainly nothing today. I will talk to more people before doing anything or attempting any contact - there are plenty of people I know who know this guy well.
One thing that may be unusual for me, as compared to others in AA: I was a loner drinker. There is not one single person I know in AA, that I also knew when drinking. So the drunks in my life I know as drunks, the sober AAs in my life I know as sober AAs. I'm not sure how it would be to meet someone I've known quite a while as a sober AA, as a drunk. I've just somehow avoided it. My sponsor said to stick with the winners, and that's what I did - and they were changing, but I never followed anybody out the door. I don't plan on it.
Your own sobriety obviously must come first; and you are right to want to check with someone else, and to take along another sober member if he actually does want to go to a meeting.
And, it is also fine for you to do nothing for now. The bottom line is, once we have taken the first drink again (after we've had some sober time in A.A.), it is really up to us to surrender enough to take the first step to ask for help, even though our pride generally makes the surrender extremely difficult. For those of us who are sober when the person who relapses returns, it is our responsibility to reach out to them with compassion and love and welcome them back. But, that does not mean that we place ourselves in any situation where our own sobriety would be threatened.
I feel incredible empathy for those who have relapsed after significant sobriety time, and just thank God each day that he led me back to AA before I killed myself or someone else. No matter what difficulties and challenges life brings today, it is so much better facing them sober rather than drunk. Therefore, I HAVE TO keep coming back; my life depends on it.
