Yu know? Some days I just hafta look up..and ask.."What the hell?"
And Im not going to include alcohol in this topic...
Its about living.
3 and 4 years ago..I almost died because of Leukemia...got through it..but for the Grace of God...and a lot of AA freinds.
For the last 2 years I have been in an off and on again..relationship, with a great girl..
About a half a dozen times..we had problems...and I refer those problems at me.
Clinical depression and anxiety....
I went to these medical people for help...and got it..B12 shots on a regular basis...plus medication for the rest of it..
Well..
It wasnt strong enough...and I kept falling in to emotional and mental piles of shit...and it REALLY affected a great relationship.
In the norm...Im a laid back...take things with a grain of salt..happy go lucky guy...and dont have a worry in the world..
But..many times..Ive gotten away from that..and become someone that I do not like.
The relationship? I knew that things were screwed up..and I started seeing couples councellors...a couple of months ago
A few days ago..I had a real good talk with a sponsor..and he points out to me..that I should look into the medical side of it all
I did..
And for the first time...they prescribed some heavy non addictive shit to take care of all the crap...emotionally and mentally..
That was on Thursday..
This morning...I get a call from the Cancer Center 2 hours away...from a doctor thats been trying to get hold of me since Friday...and he explained..with apoligies..that they should have socked it to me..in the first place..to rectify this clinical problem...but didnt..
They just went with the trial and error light stuff..
This morning...I get a final dear John email from my girl..
There was no point in even reacting to it..I just threw up my hands..and said "What the f##k?"
Just finished Xmas shopping yesterday...Bought her a nice 12 by 12 wooded gazebo.this week..for the yard..so she could bring her exotic birds out, in the warm weather...
When I thought..that I needed to do a lot of a lot of work on me>? re character defects and 12 steps? turned out to be CLINICAL?
Shit!!
Sure..I need to carry working on me..its a continuous thing.
But this medical shit..just blew, a great relationship..all to hell.
Thanks for letting me vent..
Im pissed off with the world right now..and heading out to a meeting tonight...to calm down.
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Live each day as if it were your last...because tomorrow?
It might be.
it takes two to have a good relationship (or not. ) no sense taking all the blame for that. given the medical issues, that you're going through, sounds like loyalty wasn't one of her virutes. try and keep it positive, she may have done a favor (one door must close before others can open). cheer up phil, you've still got us.
Phil, I'm sorry for how things have turned out right now. That's sad & I can empathise with the hurt & hating that maybe something may well have been different if your difficulties had been addressed appropriately sooner. I often worry with my depressive thinking that it may not be something my Program will be able to balance but that it may be something I may have to deal with always practically everyday. That's what it feels like sometimes. My Mum has clinical depression & it is hard to understand even when it's being treated. I haven't been tested for anything of that nature just yet. I'm still drying out, working my Steps & hoping to gain enough recovery to maintain emotional stability. Maybe even 'recovered' status but I still don't know if this is entirely possible if it turns out I have a chemical imbalance. My Dad has paranoid schizophrenia so with those genes I'm not sure what my odds are.
I'm staying positive for the moment but having been with Carl for 7 & a half months now some of my patterns of disturbance which I've always had to live with are beginning to become common place for him too. Not for him, I mean being closer to me & experiencing me having them! I have often feared that it would be the end of us but I've done my best not to let it spoil our intimacy, trust & closeness. I do have to keep entire ownership for any difficulties I have but this can be hard when I neglect to call my Sponsor or a female in fellowship or close friend to vent before I offload on him. I've done this a few times now & I don't want to damage anything & keep his care. I don't want to disturb him in anyway yet at the same time share & grow in our bonds. Thanks so much for your share. You've helped me to stay mindful that there are conditions out there that can affect us.
Above all I hope your quality of life improves. I know what it feels like to have these horrendous feelings, moods & thoughts yet still love being alive & feel grateful to even have another day but in spite of this still feel a depth of pity & frustration with myself, my life & others. It can be hard to know where the man ends & the disease begins with physical factors to consider & compound our complications. I just want to add that I hope a new treatment will bring you what you need because you do deserve to be happy. Who knows what the future will hold for you. Stay open, hopeful & positive no matter how any of this feels. Things will be better for you again soon. I'm sure of that. God bless & keep an open heart to your friendships. Anything may flower, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Hey Phil Thoughts and prayers are with you! Sounds like we all are being challenged lately especially emotionally. Im just glad you are here in this with the rest of us! Hopefully, together we can get through any challenge life deals us!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
phil, i have been in the program 21 years and struggled with clinical depression and anxiety disorder...for many years i i tried many ways of dealing with this, program stuff ect. ended up in the psych ward five years ago, spent a year getting the right combo of meds sorted out and serious therapy for "issues" i cannot describe how much better life feels now......so many light bulb moments, all my relationships were affected by this stuff.....in hindsight i am seeing how my higher power led me to what i needed though there is no way in hell u could have told me that at the time....i did relaspe at one point too...im about 5 years now....its been difficult, i wont lie and say it was smooth sailing...not everyone was supportive and im still hurt by some people who abandoned me, things even out in the end though, and i feel in some ways, like ive been "rebuilt" if that makes any sense. i send my love to you phil...xxxooo
