I have over six years of sobriety (except for a one time slip over a year ago), and my marriage of 15 years is just as bad and getting worse. I have a fantastic sponser, am currently on Step 8, but keep making the same mistakes with my wife. It all comes down to still being so selfish. I don't show the love and respect for her that she wants and deserves. There has been so much pain in this marriage that I am not feeling in love with her at all. I have thoughts of simply being away from her and living alone. Although I'm afraid I might start drinking again if we were to divorce. She is, however, very controlling and short tempered. She yells all the time. All I want is for her not to be mad at me, but that is no way to have a relationship. I have been walking on eggshells for most of our marriage. I do tend to be too timid & afraid and don't speak up for myself as much as I should. My sponser says we should never be a doormat. I'm just not sure if it will ever work, and that scares me. I crave to be living alone in my own place, but that is just an attitude of running away... something I have always done. Maybe God wants this marriage to end; I don't know. I am living in constant fear and don't look forward to being with her. Thanks for reading and please help.
Have you been to counseling? Together or by yourself? Can't hurt.
My marriage in recovery sucked until we were starting divorce proceedings last year. Don't know what changed, but it has never been better. I don't think I ever really loved my husband "enough" til I almost threw him out for no reason. That's just how it worked for me though....
Good luck to you, and getting help can't hurt!
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Y'know, my feeling is that marriage is marriage and sobriety is sobriety, two different sets of problems and solutions. Not to say "never the twain shall meet", but I've found relationships tough sober or drunk, and sobriety is what it is to me either married or single. Though I will say that for me- and that's a huge disclaimer as everyone is different and every relationship different- but for me I find sobriety much easier to manage without a thought when I'm single. Add another ego into the quotient and all of the sudden things get complicated.
I've never been in a really great relationship, and I've never not been an alcoholic, so I guess I just don't know any different. I've always wondered what it would be like to be in one of those great relationships where everybody loves each other and everything is super great....
Even if just you go at least maybe it will help you figure out what you want out of a relationship and where you want to be and stuff.
I'm presently having a relationship with my skateboard. We go out nights after work and do naughty things in elevated parking structures. Sometimes I take her to the skatepark but it just isn't the same without the thrill of the risk of getting caught.
I'm only 43- not grown up enough for a proper relationship, I figure. (Girls mature faster than boys.)
Hmmmm. When I saw your subject line my mind immediately went to what I used to always think when things run rough (and still can some days).
"Don't they realize I'm sober, DAMN IT!"
Maybe you should take the BB's suggestion and figure out your part as I would have to question your honesty since you stated " I have over six years of sobriety (except for a one time slip over a year ago),...." A slip a year ago does not 6 yrs of sobriety make! I feel certain she's wondering will it happen again and when.....
Does she attend al anon? Definately counseling is a great suggestion.
Take a look at you, as you seem to sorta have done " I do tend to be too timid & afraid and don't speak up for myself" and find your part in it.
....Even the Osbourne's LOVE each other and have a sick way of getting along, but they do and they're a family.........
Hugs and prayers......
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Curtis, my 1st marriage, that I was in before sobriety and during early sobriety, didn't survive sobriety. It was horrible. She like to fight and argue and I deplore it. I got divorced and lived by myself for 6 years. It was awesome being sober and single, I dated lots of women in and out of the program and had a great time. 2nd wife of 12 years is awesome. In the 14 years that we've been in relationship, we've never had an argument. No fighting, no name calling, noone leaving the house angry, no inuendos, no threats, no FU notes, nothing but bliss. It can happen for you, but you would have to become that healthy person that you wish to attract, and chose a happy and mellow person instead of what you have now. Look closely and tell me that your wife is any different than her mother. And yes my mother in law is a sweetheart.
I for one couldnt have a great relationship with my husband because I was so sick. I blamed everything on him and so wanted to drink when mad! I too was the timid one who never spoke up for herself and played the doormat.
Today, my marriage couldnt be better. My hubby and I are both in the program and maybe that helps a little. I like me so in turn can like him.
I remember bitching constantly about him and a women simply stated, " have you looked at your part in it?" Boy did that make me think.
Today I have the courage and the confidence to speak up. It wasnt easy at first for either of us because my husband was so used to me just going with the flow. I have respect from him now and am acting like a big girl most of the time!! lol
To be honest, I wonder to if at some point I thought if I could just ditch him, maybe I could drink again and who would know or care! After all I pretty much came into the program because of him! If he was gone Id be so free! Thank God I stuck around and looked at my part in things, got sober, went to meetings and learned how to have a happy relationship! Shoot why would I waste 20+ years and someday have to retrain someone new!!!!lol
Give counseling a try and most importantly, be honest with her and with yourself! It can get better as some of us have shared!
Good luck and keep posting!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Oh Tlh, Love the pic of the osbornes!!! My kids and I have a secret middle finger gesture that says, "have a nice day!!" They asked why it had to mean fu so we changed it! I wonder if the neighbors notice us "flicking" (kids term) each other off!!! Yea, Im so mature myself!!! lol
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Thanks everyone for the great replies! Doll, you are soooooo right.... I do NOT have over 6 years of sobriety; I have just over ONE year. (there goes that ego again!) Yes, I am currently in counseling. It is the same therapist her and I went to for a few years a while ago. I am currently working on Step 8 with a fantastic sponser. I guess I'm still stuck with the 'old tapes' of how much easier it is to give up and run away because things are so tough. I also believe that until I can truely love myself, it will be hard to love her. Its one of those deals that when things are good, they are so good; but when things are bad; they are SO bad! I'm 48 years old and on my third marriage. I'm just feeling so afraid and lost, but I do sincerely believe that if I complete the 12 Steps and do it the BEST that I can, my life and marriage will improve. The love is just so buried beneath all the fear, resentment and being stuck in the same vicious cycle of fight, make up, fight, make up, etc. And every fight is just another nail in the coffin of the marriage. I also know that I lack maturity. But it feels great to be able to share this with all of you and read your kind and realistic responses.
Curtis, my 1st marriage, that I was in before sobriety and during early sobriety, didn't survive sobriety. It was horrible. She like to fight and argue and I deplore it. I got divorced and lived by myself for 6 years.
I got sober halfway through a 10-year marriage. At the time, there was no visible discord in the marriage, no threats to leave etc. She didn't think I was an alcoholic - although she wasn't a drinker herself. When I went to AA and declared myself an alcoholic, it downgraded me in her eyes - certainly how she treated me. She was angry with me, not for getting sober but for being an alcoholic... and as I came to know, she was angry with herself for "doing it again" - married to her second alcoholic. I really think from that moment on the marriage was doomed. If I went back to drinking, she would have left. Had I tried to stay sober without meetings, I would have gone crazy. Instead, I kept going to meetings - growing and growing apart from her. Not realizing how far apart we already were, her departure not long after my 5 year sobriety coin was still a shock to me.
I spent 13 years without an kind of real significant-other relationship. I went on dates - mostly boring, one was fun. It took me that long to meet someone truly special, which I'm still coming to terms with now. I'll probably be married some time after my 20th sobriety anniversary in 2009. No date set. I'm amazed how well we get along, and I'm utterly amazed how much she does for me - without asking. Stuff I would never have asked my ex-wife to do, I mean not even considered it. The ex would not only have not helped, she would have not wanted ME to do it either. Being an alcoholic, I was very concerned I would take advantage of my new love -- she is so giving. I wish I could say I never have and never will take her for granted, but I'm sure it has already happened. But she forgives. I think it's the essence of what a relationship should be, but until we met, I didn't believe it was possible - certainly not for a selfish, fat old drunk like me!
Wasn't trying to be 'right' just a little something that struck me.......The good news, you didn't lose anything and if you learned something new from the relapse, all the better...... I know for me, it took 3 or 4 (or maybe 5 I lost count - LOL) 12-15 hour hiatus here and there over a 2 yr period to learn what NOT to do!
(((hugs)))
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hey, was wondering, if infidelity(while drinking) was an issue for yall. Does she know about it? Did she really forgive? Is that why shes now mean and controlling? I would like to know, bc i may be going through similar situation possibly?? THANKS
Hey, was wondering, if infidelity(while drinking) was an issue for yall. Does she know about it? Did she really forgive? Is that why shes now mean and controlling? I would like to know, bc i may be going through similar situation possibly?? THANKS
My wife had someone on the side while I was drinking... I didn't... it continued on after I was sober, and I didn't find out about it until she left me - not for that guy but for someone else. I found out by accident. It illuminated many things for me, including my own gullibility which I beat myself up over for many years afterward. I didn't cheat on my wife while I was drinking, although after I got sober, there were a few times when I probably would have if I had the chance - fortunately, I didn't. James Bond I ain't.
It's hard to say what would have become of my marriage if I had known of her extracurricular activities while we were still together - either in my drinking or sober days. I probably would have tried to hang on, if she said it was over I would have probably wanted to believe her, etc. The way things happened, I was spared all of that and just left with the sting of being stupid and gullible.
Hey, was wondering, if infidelity(while drinking) was an issue for yall. Does she know about it? Did she really forgive? Is that why shes now mean and controlling? I would like to know, bc i may be going through similar situation possibly?? THANKS
Chandler, those are rarely resolved. Oh sure some continue on through the relationship but trust is always going to be an issue. Chances are good, that any relationship that was formed during an alcoholics drinking career (and possibly beyond) is going to be a dysfunctional one. An in my humble opinion, are hard to repair especially because it takes 2 willing individuals who are engaged in self analysis and personal growth (recovery if you'd like). The odds of those 2 in one relationship is a long shot. So what I guess I'm saying, from contractors point of view (and a guy who got divorced in early sobriety and remarried at 8 year sober) it's easier to tear the house down and build a new one, than it is to remodel the old one. And if an unhealthy relationship were a a car that needed to be repaired, you can't reapair while you're driving it down the road. Translation- it's hard to repair a dysfunctional relationship when you're in one.
All that said, if there's two very willing partners and other things at stake- kids, property.... make a commitment to each other and go to marriage counciling. But if one's not willing to focus on themselves, as part of the problem, life is short, move on.
And yes my mother in law is a sweetheart.