I keep fucking up.. And Its my fault. I feel like my emotions are on a rollercoaster and Its just always depressed.. Today, I found out.. My bf is still in like with his fuckin ex.. I mean.. My x holds a place in my heart too.. But, to find pictures still like ones that parents wouldnt like to see there little girl doing.. Im just upset too hell.. And I dont know... I dont think Im strong enough for this shit anymore... My hearts breaking and I dont want to leave him... Hes helped me so much... Just... Fuck.. I dont know what I want or need to do anymore.. Im lost and I just want to give up everything..
Yes, Hun, I'm sorry to say, but gotta agree with you. It IS your fault. Therefore only YOU can change it....... I'm confused as to why you think your b/f has helped you so much? Read your 4th sentence.
" Today, I found out.. My bf is still in like with his fuckin ex.. I mean.. My x holds a place in my heart too.. But, to find pictures still like ones that parents wouldnt like to see there little girl doing.."
Do you want to LIVE? or do you want to die? If you want to live, then get off your fuckin' pity pot and get your drunken ass to a meeting! Help yourself by asking for help!
I love ya, gal and I don't even know you. You CAN do this. Start with an AA meeting. OR just call your local Alcholics Anonymous and talk honestly to whoever answers the phone.
Lots of (((((hugs)))) and many prayers going up for you.
~ Jen
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Star, things always look the WORST before we make the decision to get sober, and to change our lives for the better. So long as you keep drinking/using/messing with Mr. Wrong, things will stay the same. And it sounds like the "same" isn't good enough for you. It wasn't for me, either.
You have a survival instinct somewhere deep inside, or you would not be here reaching out. Dig deep and find that piece of you that wants to survive, and get on with life, and someday be happy. Find it, and take yourself to a meeting. Ask for help face to face. We were not meant to be in our agony alone, that is why we were brought to a place where there is HOPE.
Saying a prayer for you tonight, and hoping you will take my advice. Get to a meeting. Look up Alcoholics Anonymous in the phone book or online in your area. We are everywhere. Someone can talk you through what you are going through, and help you get to a meeting. It will not cost you anything. All you have to do is show up. You owe that to yourself.
((((((hugs))))))) Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Again.....everything looks like shit because you are who you believe yourself to be. It is natural at this point tho, it's hard to feel good about yourself when you are up to your ass in alligators. When I'm in a boat like that, I really have to try my absolute best to separate the things that I cannot control, from the things I can. This at least removes a whole lot of crap that I really don't have to stress over after all. I have to free myself up, conserve energy, calm down and not take on the whole world. Think of this too....we are all actually calm inside, by nature....it is just the noise, confusion, distractions and mental stories going on around us that prevent us from tapping into that calm. If you can detach yourself from some of the bullshit and treat yourself with kindness, you might find things a bit easier, kinda works for me. And all you really need to do today is to not use...for 24 measly hours!
Scott
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
I keep fucking up.. And Its my fault. I feel like my emotions are on a rollercoaster and Its just always depressed.. Today, I found out.. My bf is still in like with his fuckin ex.. I mean.. My x holds a place in my heart too.. But, to find pictures still like ones that parents wouldnt like to see there little girl doing.. Im just upset too hell.. And I dont know... I dont think Im strong enough for this shit anymore... My hearts breaking and I dont want to leave him... Hes helped me so much... Just... Fuck.. I dont know what I want or need to do anymore.. Im lost and I just want to give up everything..
Oh geez- this is so sucky- you need some people.
First off- when you're giving up on everything, give up on drinking first. It's SO HARD to make decisions and look at stuff rationally when you're still on that "euphoric/depressed" cycle. It's just impossible.
Second off, please talk to a professional? Just someone who can explain stuff to you about addiction and what you're going through and someone who can help you sort through your stuff and help you figure it all out a little. I don't mean to be pedantic but you are just way too young to be saddled with this burden, IMHO. I was in a very similar place many years ago and winged it on my own and didn't really fare so great, in the grand scheme of things- and still had to deal with all of it in a more rational, analytical way eventually. (I'm afraid in alcoholism there's no dancing for free- everyone has to pay the piper, one way or another. Just my experience thus far talking.)
The softer easier way is the hard way (but truth be told it's not that hard- it only seems hard when you're looking at it from the beginning.) The really difficult way is like pulling teeth without novacaine and the procedure can last twenty years or more- not really an option for rational people.
I will tell you what- I'm a pretty happy sober guy and pretty together, yet I still get depressed, still fuck everything up, am still all bent about a girl I was in love with nearly seven years ago- life goes on whether we keep up or not.
Hang in there. I can't remember if you have family nearby or not (I don't and it kind of sucks, as much as I hate to admit it), but now is the time to tap them for some support if you can. Dont drink. Get help. (And go to some meetings if you can do that. There really are some nice people at some of them who have been through it and know some stuff. And it's free- even the coffee.)
Dump that Chump and get sober. You're only going to attract people that are about as healthy as you are. You need to Be "That" person whom you would like to have in a relationship. You're only going to get there by getting away from this abusive relationship and getting sober.
