Im just a loser.. :(

Star_shadow16 · Member

Im just a loser.. :(

TLH · MIP Old Timer

Oh man- 19. I wish I got sober at 19.

Were I you I would do yourself the favor and get into a rehab asap. I so wish I managed to have that chance as a kid and took it. I missed a TON of cool sh!t because I didn't deal with my stuff early on.

You're not a loser- you're an alcoholic. It's not a weakness or anything you did wrong- it's just a disease. Please don't "blame" yourself- you probably feel crappy enough without that. Lots and lots of other alcoholics right now are thinking those exact same thoughts as you are. Lots and lots of alcoholics have thought those exact same thoughts and have gotten help and are a lot happier and a lot better now. You aren't alone, it isn't just you, and there are solutions.

Untreated alcoholism is progressive- it doesn't get any better over time. Hang in there. Go to a rehab if you can. Get some help. Hang in there, hang around here, go to meetings, be thick skinned and as open minded as possible. There are some cool sober people around. You'll meet some of them, and some of them will help you. Aloha- Toby

Quetzal · MIP Old Timer

Hi Star,

Don't beat yourself up about picking up a drink again. I have done it and a lot of people here have done it, too. Try to learn what triggered you to drink again and be on your guard for if it happens again.

Try to get to as many AA meetings as you can. Meetings, working the steps and having a sponsor are the only things that keep this alcoholic sober. I wish that I had got sober years and years ago. I could have saved so much heartache for myself and for those who loved me. But, today I am sober and I am grateful for that.

Is there any chance that you could get into a rehab center? It would give you a super start to sobriety.

You're not a loser or a failure. You're someone that has a progressive illness that wants to kill you. Here on MIP we all have the same illness and we're here for each other.

Just hang in there.

Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you? You're not on your own.

(((Hugs)))

Carol

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

I drank alcoholically since my late teens... I can identify with how 'messed up' and sad and depressed you feel. The boyfriends I chose at the time did not help matters any either. I think I was hoping that one of them would eventually save me, but it turns out they were just as sick as I was.

I too hope you get some help, dear. Try getting to an AA meeting. In my area, there are tons of teenagers and folks in their early 20's in the program, doing just about everything your average teen and young person is doing, but doing it all sober. And being far happier that way. Sober parties, dances, bands, all-night coffee at the local 24-hour diners... there is so much fun and LIFE and friendship to be had even for young people, Sober.

Check it out. You might just find some REAL friends in the process, ones who can help you try to make sense of this, and who will really care about you.

Take care, and welcome.
Joni

happycamper · Veteran Member

The old pity - pot. I remember sitting on it many, many times. And before I knew it, the smell of shi* started to smell pretty good, familiar and before I knew it I was drunk again.
As long as I wanted to drink more than I wanted to stay sober .. I kept getting drunk.
Had an old timer tell me once " If you dont get God, You're gonna get drunk ". And the old timer was right !! Until I believed that it was in fact gonna be God who would keep me sober, I couldnt stay sober . Meetings, ppl, books, family, and my own thinking failed me time and time again.
I would highly suggest if you want to stay sober to find a same sex sponsor who has had a spiritual awakening, worked the steps and is willing to guide you thru them.
Getting sober and staying sober is not magic -- it takes work, it takes deflation of ego and much of it. It requires I get on my knee's occasionally and ask for help from the One who has all the Power .. and that One is God.

lani · MIP Old Timer

Hey star
welcome to mip and may you listen to those that have offered such great suggestions! It is so true that life can be great if you let it! The rehab suggestion is a great one and if you have parents who understand you, or even dont, perhaps they can help. The first step is getting honest with yourself and admitting you have a problem.

We have a huge young populations of younger people in AA around here and it is so cool to see them getting and staying sober. Give it a shot!

nique · Senior Member

Welcome Star! I can sooooo identify with you all the way!! I too started drinking very young and I came to AA for the first time when I was 19. I can really relate to the marijuana. It would take away the cravings for alcohol great but when I didnt have any and couldnt get any I had that feeling of want something anything so I would turn to alcohol cause it is so easy to get. It is just a viceous cycle. Get off the marry go round now while you have the rest of your life ahead of you. Self guilt and self pitty and beating yourself up is not going to help it is just going to compound the problem.
I wish you well and hope to see a lot of you on here!!!!
God Bless!
Allison

eastcoastscott · Senior Member

Hi Adriana,

Life looks pretty crappy from where you're sitting right now, I can see that. Reminds me (and all of us in here!) of what it was like for us when we were there ourselves. For some, not that long ago. I think that we are who we believe ourselves to be. Right now, you believe that you are a loser.......hmmmm, don't thinks so, you came here didn't you? Deep down I think you know that you are worth it and the mere fact that you are here suggests that a part of you believes that it IS possible to get help and turn things around. Believe this; it is do-able, you are worth it and you owe it to yourself to have a great life, that is our god given right. OMG you're 19 and have soooo many years ahead of you, it is your choice and all you need is to hook up with people in the same boat, we are all around you. You sure are welcome here and you helped me today by coming here, thanks!

Scott

cooncatbob · Senior Member

Maybe you need NA in addition to AA.
I couldn't stay sober as long as I was still smoking Pot.
Doing drugs in any form releases our addiction all over again.

Doll · MIP Old Timer

Misery was a pretty good motivator for me. I finally got so sick of myself I was either gonna commit suicide or get sober! Glad today I chose the latter........ When the pain is great enough, maybe then you'll do something different.

I, too, had that Mr. Right - ya know the one that drinks like us and gets high with us? We thought it cool to be able to fill in each other's black outs! Today, he is Mr. Inmate #12345, serving 25 to life!

If your b/f's not a dope or liquor head do you really think he wants to be intimate with one? Come on, gal! DO something to help yourself.......

Check out an AA meeting. What have you got to lose?

(((hugs)))

-- Edited by Doll at 13:31, 2008-11-10

tlcate · Senior Member

You are not a loser. Getting started is tough! Sounds like you have the desire to stop - that is the first step!

Keep coming back. Check out a meeting.

tlc

chewybaca67 · Newbie

Dayum! You gots it bad girl! I quite boozin' and gettin' high at the age of 20. There ain't a doubt in my mind that I would not have made to 25...or 23. Many things would send me into a drunk, anything would send me into a week long drunk. It became that any thought of the future, which I didn't have much of, would send me into a drunk. No High School, dropped out in the 8th grade, unemployable, Drunk and/or dead parents, everybody I associated with either drank or used drugs. No wonder I could'nt get or stay sober. There were times when I would be willing to do anything to stay sober becuz I new I was in for trouble, and believed that the only way things would egt better is if I quit drinking completely. Only I couldn't translate that belief into action.
When a drunk sez "I swear to god almighty! I will not drink!" or 'I swear honey, I'm done with alcohol, it ain't worth loosing you." that person IS NOT LYING. Just unable to do it on their own. Hell, it's probably the most honest and sencere they been in their life! But trying to do it alone probably ain't gonna do well. Also, sounds like you need to get out of a toxic relationship as no one can stay sober in the same toxic relationship there were in before they wanted to quit. I would do as others have suggested and go to a couple of meetings, get a sponsor, or see if there are any rehab options for you. Good luck and come back and tell us how you're doing eh?

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

cooncatbob wrote:

Maybe you need NA in addition to AA.
I couldn't stay sober as long as I was still smoking Pot.
Doing drugs in any form releases our addiction all over again.

that's my story also. I didn't realize that drugs were part of my problem. a couple times I lost 2 months of sobriety to smoking a small amount of pot.

Star, you need to go to meetings daily and consider dumping you BF. What you discribed is abusive and demeaning. You deserve better than that. Dump that Chump! evileye

Dean

Phil · MIP Old Timer

TLH · MIP Old Timer

happycamper wrote:
Had an old timer tell me once " If you dont get God, You're gonna get drunk ". And the old timer was right !! Until I believed that it was in fact gonna be God who would keep me sober, I couldnt stay sober . Meetings, ppl, books, family, and my own thinking failed me time and time again.

Odd. I had an old timer tell me that I was going to be fine and work the program even though I'm essentially agnostic- and guess what? He was right!

Hang in there, kiddo. Things are almost never as bad as they seem.

NELL · Member

Hi Star,

You're not a loser! It just about broke my heart to read that!!

I too work both progarms and what I've learned is, this is a just for today program. Just for today I will not drink, nor will I put any mood altering chemicals in my body, just for today. I'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

Please take some of the suggestions that have been given to you here. Go to
meetings! Meetings saved my life in the beging and you know what? After almost two years....they still do!

Please, give yourself a break and the chance that you deserve to live a full and happy life. God! I wish I had gotten it at your age! I wasted alot of years trying to drink away my pain...happy.....sad....anger....ect.....

Love Nell

happycamper · Veteran Member

TLH -- I was referring to my own experience as it seems you were too.
However, the big book does say in chapter 5 .. without help it is to much for Us, but there is One who has all power and that One is God, may You find Him now.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

happycamper, there are many many sober agnostics in AA. We don't need to challenge them on their sobriety. Show me where it says you must find God or a higher power.

"ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for A.A. membership; we are self-supporting through our own contributions. A.A. is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization or institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety."

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 06:39, 2008-11-12

me2 · Newbie

Darling Star....this is the first time I've seen or been to this site,and for some reason yours was the first message I read. My heart goes out to you. Im all of 15 days dry. 16 days ago I was literally on my knees in front of a friend shouting "help me god", it was the only option I had left! I've been in and out of sobriety for years, and I don't know that I won't pick up a drink again. But I do know that if I do, im probably going to end up in the same place as I was, feeling pretty shitty all over again.
You stopped for 7 days...you got pissed again.......you started those 7 days with just one day. Don't give up giving up!
Come to a meeting, don't knock yourself any more. You're 19 and have a whole lifes adventure in front of you.
with love and kindest wishes
and thanks xx

happycamper · Veteran Member

StPeteDean,
There are many musts in the bb. Im very aware of what Alcoholics Anonymous is and isn't.
Our book talks about God. One spot in particular says God either is or He isn't, what was our choice to be ? And oddly enough that is found in chapter 4 We Agnostics.
Im not challenging anybody here. Simply sharing my ESH which happened to be directed at TLH. It was not my intention to challenge or offend anyone.
Besides, it seems as tho You are challening me, seeing as the response was to TLH and not You.

Star_shadow16 · Member

cooncatbob wrote:

Maybe you need NA in addition to AA.
I couldn't stay sober as long as I was still smoking Pot.
Doing drugs in any form releases our addiction all over again.

I mean.. Im not addicted to hardcore stuff.. Just MaryJuana.. And when I quit drinking.. I stress alot and my stomache hurts bad.. So, I go back on weed, and that usually leads me back to drinking.. Wow, I think Im going in a circle.. And its hard not going in it.. I looked up AA meetings around my town, but,.. My town is really SMALL... And Idk.. I guess Im afraid of being judged..

Star_shadow16 · Member

me2 wrote:

Darling Star....this is the first time I've seen or been to this site,and for some reason yours was the first message I read. My heart goes out to you. Im all of 15 days dry. 16 days ago I was literally on my knees in front of a friend shouting "help me god", it was the only option I had left! I've been in and out of sobriety for years, and I don't know that I won't pick up a drink again. But I do know that if I do, im probably going to end up in the same place as I was, feeling pretty shitty all over again.
You stopped for 7 days...you got pissed again.......you started those 7 days with just one day. Don't give up giving up!
Come to a meeting, don't knock yourself any more. You're 19 and have a whole lifes adventure in front of you.
with love and kindest wishes
and thanks xx

Thank you so much... Ive been reading everything about everyones kind words,experiences and opinons and Im going to try again..
Ive been sober since only 3 daze now.. Im not going to lie, Ive been smoking weed more too replace my cravings for alchiehol... Its hard for me.. I figured out some things.. Growning up Ive been in and out of counciling, bad relationships with wow, 7 years older than me type guys who only want that one thing.. I try to please everyone around me because, i love helping people... But, In the end I get depressed.. And Ive been like that since I was little...
I just get overwhelmed and panic very easy..
Should I get an actuall hobbie? Go back to counciling for this?

happycamper · Veteran Member

Welcome back Star, nice to see you again.
I too was afraid of being judged. I live in a very small town and certainly didnt want anyone to see me at an AA meeting.
Then I had it pointed out to me .. oh, no AA huh, but its okay for Everyone to see you stumbling out of the bar, or your name in the local paper for dui ?

I honestly believe it is more acceptable to be seen walking in or out of a bar then it is an AA meeting.

I am not alone at the meetings. There are many just like me and many who are not like me. We share a common bond and the need to help each other.

Hobbies are good, no doubt. But no hobbie ever kept me from drinking.
Im not a counsellor, couldnt tell ya if you should see One or not.

I can only share what happened with me and what I do now to live a really good life with God and the program of AA.
You are young Star ... you dont have to suffer thru all that some of us have.

Your decision. Id highly suggest attending meetings and sticking around to find a same sex sponsor to guide you thru the steps.

I can promise you 2 things --

1. If you continue to drink alcoholically your life is going to get worse, worse then you probably could ever imagine. It wont get better, trust me.
2. If you stop drinking and give AA a chance , work it with everything you have, your life will improve beyond your best dreams. trust me.

-- Edited by happycamper at 18:45, 2008-11-12

erink_01 · Member

Remember...the definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

Take your courage and try something new...reading and posting to this site was a courageous thing to do, so you can do it! And you are worth it. smile

TLH · MIP Old Timer

happycamper wrote:

StPeteDean,
There are many musts in the bb. Im very aware of what Alcoholics Anonymous is and isn't.
Our book talks about God. One spot in particular says God either is or He isn't, what was our choice to be ? And oddly enough that is found in chapter 4 We Agnostics.
Im not challenging anybody here. Simply sharing my ESH which happened to be directed at TLH. It was not my intention to challenge or offend anyone.
Besides, it seems as tho You are challening me, seeing as the response was to TLH and not You.

The big book was written in a time when (in the U.S.) the Christian God was pretty much the only accepted game in town. The word "god" is a very general term when used in a sentence- "The Gods Must Be Crazy" has the word "god in it yet isn't referring to your specific god. That's what the whole "Higher Power" discussion always seems to be about. Atheism is as much a religion as any organised, god oriented religion- it's a set of rules, principles and philosophies. One has a hard time even consciously existing without those. I tend to lean towards the scientific end of things, ending up associating most closely with Zen Buddhism and Taoism- but I'm not a Taoist or a Buddhist- I just identify most with those philosophies.

I was just lending a little balance to the religious reference. No argument necessary. (But whoa! Pete has my back!!) weirdface confused biggrin

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

I'm happy for you happycamper, truly. Your es&h is welcome here, but "directing it at" someone isn't necessary. You are correct that I'm challenging you a bit, and as moderator that is my prerogative. Pleased be advised that this is not AA, it's a message board where we discuss AA and recovery topics. And whether you realize it or not, it is offensive to some to pound on the God context. You've made your point and very directly I might add.

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to MIP, Adriana & well done for coming here & reaching out for support. You don't have to feel so badly about yourself. I can safely say for myself & even for a lot of us here that you are not alone in your feelings that you are having & that so many of us here have been where you are. It is only by the help of Alcoholics Anonymous that I am sober today. I went to meetings with a desire to stop drinking & I learned there about this threefold illness that I have.

Physically, whenever I take a drink I always want more. Mentally, whenever I wasn't drinking I was thinking about or longing for my next drink, this we name as our obsession & spiritually or emotionally, whenever I wasn't drinking I was living with fear & low self worth gripped in my stomach & I didn't know how to cope with life on a daily basis. I was either feeling sorry for myself & being angry about the past or I was feeling anxious about what the future may hold for me & how I might grow up.

Eventually I felt so sad & desperate that I began to feel that everything of how it had been for me in the past was no doubt going to become my future too as patterns were repeating & I was losing hope. This meant I would feel even worse about myself & there were many times when I felt that eventually I was simply going to become someone who killed themselves because I couldn't see any other option. I didn't know how to live & drinking was too much of an escape from all of that & I wasn't growing up. The problem was that I couldn't trust myself in drink either. I constantly misbehaved & sought attention so very often demeaning & humiliating myself.

Alcohol & me didn't mix & eventually I admitted defeat & gave it up when I was 29. I couldn't stay stopped. I needed a lot of meetings & support & to learn what being an Alcoholic meant for me. I had to learn all about this disease & how it would affect me. I had to realise & accept that I was powerless over alcohol & that I would never be able to control it. Ever. I learned that other Alcoholics could help me because they knew what it is like to be an Alcoholic & to learn how to live sober.

It has been a whole new lease of life for me & if I'd have started 10yrs earlier like where you are now I'd be 10yrs more improved than I am now. I'd hope! I don't mind though because my story is my story & it took me until now to find the rooms of AA. For you, your Higher Power has been working faster & you have that opportunity already. My drinking never got any better in all the years I continued & it's that thought that I keep now that I realise this disease is progressive & all I can do is arrest it by staying away from the first drink one day at a time.

There is a new life waiting for you by digging yourself into the program & surrendering everything that you feel is bad for you already. The 12Steps of AA will help you to learn how to love yourself from the inside out so that you don't hurt yourself by looking for love in dangerous places. It will help you learn how you hurt yourself so often & help you to learn how to let go of trying to help others as much as you do when you need so much for yourself first. You'll learn how to take care of you so that you know what you have left that you can afford to give.

I can see that you have a big heart & a painful conscience & that these are the things that trouble you deeply. You're a young person, Adriana & there's so much waiting for you in your life. My suggestion for you that was given to me when I came into AA & because of how I've experienced the truth of it for myself is to give yourself a break. Ease up on beating yourself up. Keep an open mind to what's on offer here & share with a female you feel you can trust those deeper issues you want to be honest about.

Counselling may be helpful to you in time & you may even develop a hobby or two but for the moment there's so much to learn & meetings will be a great support in helping you learn how to stay stopped & build your mental defences against the first drink & even the first drug for we can't afford to replace one addiction with another. For me, everything that I do & can build on begins with another 24hrs of not drinking. The longer I stay abstinant the better life chances I have & I love that. It keeps me motivated & hopeful. Seeing others doing the same helps me too & that includes you too :)

There is a life after all of this for you & it always begins with today. Keep on trying & doing this for yourself, Adriana. Your life will get better like mine has. You can do this too. Together. With me. Fighting for our lives & rebuilding our chances for a future. We don't have to do this on our own & I really hope you feel you can continue in your courage & keep trying. With you all the way 1Day@aTime Danielle x

Ps. Don't worry about the Higher Power/God bit ;) That's something you'll develop in your own time & grow for yourself to your own understanding. For me, my Higher Power is LOVE & my lower power is fear. I can & often have to keep it that simple but then you already may have strong ideas about your own Higher Power & that's ok too. My HP is what I use to ask for help & often it has worked through people too. I hope this helps you in your beginnings ~ Dxx

-- Edited by Sobrietyspell at 23:12, 2008-11-12

Tina · Senior Member

Hi

Just want to welcome you to the board of AA, and that your not alone. What I've read gave you alot of good sound advice and do pray that you take what advice you got and use it.

We've all been there and it's hard, I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. At that age wish I could have seen it coming for myself, but no one for sees the future.

Please keep coming back for yourself, and it sounds like you've taken the first huge step. Try not to beat yourself up, and stay positive, this program does work if you let it in.

Hugs

Tina