I hope everyone had a good and safe Halloween! The past couple of days I've been coming down kind of hard on my self. I think that if my dad had never found out about my drinking, or if I didn't have the seizures, I would still be drinking.
I find myself saying to others, "Oh, I CANT drink because of my medication," rather than simply saying that I choose not to. I want this to be a choice, not something I feel I have to do just because of my fear of dieing. And, what if that fear goes away? I think I would drink.
I'm just scared. I just wish I knew that I would never pick up a drink again. But, don't we all I guess?!!! It's funny how my feelings change from one day to another. My confidence level changes everyday. I think I feel a little left out cuz I know all of my friends will be going to Halloween parties tonight. And Lord knows, I would never dress up if I wasn't drunk!
hi there i can empathise with your feelings "feel like we're missing out " or "if you can't beat em joinem " and what's lfe all about anyway ?! i've tried out those theories for years and kept going out there it was so sad and twisted towards the end and then aa came along and the compulsion to drink has been removed wow we had a sober halloween party last night 12 girls !!!!(2 daughters )and friends got myself in such a state leading up to it ??!! don't know if i'm making sense for you but i know the old me and thinking has changed through working this prograqmme god bless and just for today
Been there, done that.....For me it was a matter of surrendering. Once I did accept my disease the saying "Just for today" really started to work.......Give yourself some time. Gotta pay the dues in sobriety. Work your program, get to meetings, surround yourself with other AA's and stay close to your sponsor. It will get better and different, but only with time......
(((hugs)))
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
CJ, It takes to to "build your sober indenity". You're going to have those feelings for awhile, but the more you deny your disease the easier it gets. envision a time when you don't think about drinking for months at a time. It's nice and it'll happen for you in. Hang in there.
The fear of being found out is not enough- it's part of the "rounds" we do to keep our drinking secret.
And, "if I hadn't had a seizure"?? I'm not one for beating one's self up for stuff...but - we had a beyond major wake-up call....
How to keep it green without hating yourself, I'm not sure. But when I hear someone so young wondering what if she hadn't.... I worry that you are minimizing.
But then again, I have done the same thing- "it was that bad"- vs "was it that bad?"
Sorry if I seem to be stuck on the seizure thing in my posts. But you help remind me - Whatever else happens in my life, I CANNOT repeat that, or any of the thoughts that precede it. BG
Thanks for the comments. Believe me I know that I'm an alcoholic. And I know that having a seizure has been the scariest thing to have EVER happened to me. I know that if I drink one drink, Ill end up drinking 24 hours a day. I know if I pick up another drink I'm probably gonna end up dead. That feels like more than enough for me, but I just get that urge. Not everyday, but once in awhile. I want this for myself. But I feel like I'm doing it for others more than myself. I know this will pass too, I just have to keep on truckin. Thanks for all the comments. This is definitley one of the most important places I go to right now....along with meetings of course!
Thanks Beachgirl....in a weird way, it makes me feel good to know others have been through that. Its such a horrible nightmare that I play over and over and over and over.....
Sounds like you have admitted it to yourself - and that is the first step! Admitting it to others will come along when you are ready. I entered the doors of AA in August and just told my Mom last week. And hers was the same response as everyone else who loves me - they support me and understand. Each person told has brought me relief.
And we all know about being scared. The beginning of this journey can be difficult - but it is easier with support. And I went to an AA dance for Halloween - WOW was that strange! I was out on the dance floor with a gentleman and we laughed the entire time - it was my first time dancing sober (besides dance lessons).
Good luck. One day at a time. We are here for you.
tlc
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__________________ "By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach." ~Winston Churchill
Hi, This is a disease of inches and seconds...Cunning baffling and powerful, it wasnt just my drinking, it was my thinking...who would of thunk it! So it makes sense that its a one day at a time program of recovery...A power greater than myself is my only defense against the first drink...Thank you for doing the next right thing and talking about it...it inspired me to reply and chances are you and I wont drink today.
I lost the power of choice in drinking. Im not sure when that actually happened, but I'll bet I was drunk when it did. Control & Choice , thats what it boils down to for me. I lost control cuz I could not stop after having 1 drink.
Strangely enough ... the ppl I was drinking with at the bar havent missed me in the 4 years that I have been absent from the barstool. And I thought I was so important. Took me awhile but I finally realized I dont owe them any kind of explaination as to my whereabouts or the fact that I had to stop drinking cuz it was killing me.
Our own literature talks about stopping drinking for good . I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will die if I drink. So, I do what the book says, I rely on a Power greater than myself ( God ) to keep me away from that first drink, I stay in close touch with my sponsor and other AAers and I work the steps into my life on a daily basis as best I can.
There are lots of fun things to do for holidays and other celebrations that dont involve drinking. I must be willing to join in and keep an open mind to the possiblities that are available to me instead of boo-hooing about the fact that I cant have fun if there is not booze there. Yes, it takes a little time to come to the realization that there is a better way of life ... and that is what cleared up the confusion for me. Praying and asking God to take away the old way of thinking helped tremendously. Cuz I just couldnt help myself with my old ways anymore, and I needed a fresh new perspective .. and AA gives that to me.
Hi there I guess our "firsts" are hard to handle. First, halloweem, xmas, bday....Stick around the sober people , places and things for now. We had an aa halloween dance too, didnt attend as we had family stuff going on, but there are fun things to do while sober. I even karaoke'd my first month or two sober! And, it was fun!!!!!
It does get easier and soon you will realize or want to do it for you! I too got sober because my husband did. Then I realized, wow, I really do have a problem and I want to do it for me! I could make all the excuses in the world why I could still be drinking today, but for this girl, to drink is to die!! Hang in there!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Crystal, Do you have the Daily Reflections Book? If so, check out pg 10. It really simplfies where you are and where you'll be....... If you don't, let me know and I'll post it.....
~ J
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I went to a great AA Halloween party. It was actually more fun than any drinking Halloween party I have been to. There was none of the tension around who would fight or what drama would unfold. Everyone had a really good time. I don't remember the last time I heard so much laughter!
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even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you --Psalm 139
