Just want to report here that I am feeling extremely low right now. I am coming up on a year again in a couple of weeks, which I think has less to do with this than the time of year, the darkness, and my general tendency to go through periods like this.
Was sober for 2 years before the relapse last year, and during that time I was NOT going to meetings, not praying, and also having some horrific marital problems that I CHOSE to drink over, possibly out of revenge. While I cannot go back and change all that, God has relaly blessed this past year for myself and my husband, with a much better marriage than we had ever thought possible.
But for me, external events and consitions do not always dictate how I am on the inside. Recovery is an inside job. And right now, my insides are very vacant, empty, and I am tired all the time and have little or no interest in the outside world. I would quit my job if I did not like it so much, and if I did not know that I would desperately regret it soon thereafter. I know that this time in my life is one of those times wehre my sick mind is trying to play tricks on me and talk me into giving up things that sobriety has given me. I just don't believe alcoholism's lies any more, by the Grace of God.
My alcoholism can work on me through other things like depression. I go to meetings right now because I know I HAVE to. The few I have gone to lately only helped me to feel that "Just for Today", I am doing what I HAVE TO to stay sober, until the sun comes out fo rme again.
This is not a product of something horribly wrong with my faith or spirituality, although I woudl never claim to be on perfect spiritual ground... it is an ongoing process, and sometimes it is these down and low-times where I get to the next level in my spiritual walk, by trusting and trying to do the next right thing, DESPITE how I "feel". (Or, in most cases, my LACK of feeling anything at all.)
When I was using and drinking, or just plain "dry", I was a "feeeeelings" junkie. Not so anymore, and it is the numbness here and there that baffles me and makes me suffer so. I guess we drank for those things though, feelings or numbness, whichever we chose we wanted at the time. I guess I am on the plight to try to ACCEPT wehre I am at, and these places I "go" in my emotional well being, seemingly in cycles.
My doc put me on an antidperessant after the relapse last year, one that I had been on for 4 years during extensive family of origin therapy years ago. The year and a half off of them was one of the best times of my life. I am going to have to check in with him soon about this, as well. I do not want to be on something if I do not have to be. But I will listen to his advice, as he has never steered me wrong. This is of minimal consequence in what I am going thorugh, I believe, in the recovery sense, but it was worth mentioning only because I want to describe openly and honestly wehre I'm at right now.
Recovery has given me the world. On the inside, it has given me the confidence to finish my education, the gift of giving to others, the ability to be a loving and generous member of my family, the ability to maintain the kind of life God had always wanted me to have, free of the illicit and dishonest, guilt-producing stuff I had to do to maintain my drunkenness. On the outside, recovery has given me things I never though I could have, which in all honesty, if I lost some of them (outside "stuff") today, I would would not want for them so much as one might think. Knowing this and recognizing how I have been blessed simply by working the steps and following suggestions, however, does not change the fact that I am a human being with a lot of human problems between the ears. And the biggest one right now is lack of energy or motivation.
So......... this too shall pass, and it will not require a crisis to get through. Just some time, some acceptance, some patinetce, some willingness to keep moving forward and do whatever is sugegsted, tot eh best of my fractured abilities right now.
Thanks for listening.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Hiya Jonixx You've worked so hard for yourself in your recovery & have given so much to others. You do sound tired & exhausted! You also have all the answers you need inside you & have answered many of your 'negative' thoughts with the antidote to each. Sounds like you're having some downtime & I love the way you said that you usually reach your next level through these times. I feel that's very true for me too. I think happiness can be exhausting sometimes! And, we do spend a lot of time happy thanks to this program & support in the fellowship! How can we be 'perfectly' bouncy & feeling great all the time? I don't think that's realistic or possible & you're not one to wallow too long in indulgence.
I hope you can allow yourself to rest for a little while without any pressure on yourself. You know how to maintain your spiritual health in handing over, sharing here & saying how you are in meetings too. We're along with each other for the everyday ride no matter how we are & you know how we all take turns in these feelings & states. I hope you treat yourself well in the next few weeks, getting plenty of rest & bequeathing treats upon yourself (like some relaxing Yoga!)
The weather change can affect us. I think we're solar powered! I get used to & adjust to the darkness pretty quick but then that could be cuz I work nights so often! Have you & your partner been loving each other up much lately? I'm really enjoying what I have with mine right now & it is a source of happiness & contentment for me. We both work our programs & share our fruits with the other which I'm truly grateful for. I didn't have anything this healthy or beautiful before I had recovery. I wasn't capable. So, you've yourself to thank for how much things are better between you both today. You have worked so hard for your rewards today.
Your coming year could be a trigger for you given that you had the two before & then drank. Of course, we both know we only have today & that length of sobriety is no indication of quality & you sound well today. Simply sad & tired but that's allowed, isn't it! You don't feel sorry for yourself or victimised in any way.. Just tired & looking forward to your next lift which, as you know, will come. Your HP is with you while this passes & you know I'm with you too. I hope I haven't said anything assumative or off the mark. I'm sorry if I have. I have every faith you'll come through this right as rain & reenergised as much as ever. I love your program & your humility, Joni. Stay close & know you're loved too, Danielle xx
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I am sorry you are feeling down. I have gotten a lot of inspiration from your words since I have been here. I don't really know what to say except we all get here. For me it has been a roller coaster of being a newcomer and a really tough relationship. And today is kind of mellow and I am pretty tired after a 14 hour day - so my mind is whispering to call the ex and start some drama! LOL.
No really, you inspire me - especially with your relationship. It is great to know it can be bad and come out good on the other end. I wish I could have made mine work - I really gave it my all - and still sit on the other side wondering if...
So here is a virtual hand up. Let's go take a walk in the middle of the day - let the fall sun shine on our faces and watch the leaves fall. Sounds like you are doing the right things to keep you on track while you work through this. Thanks for the good example.
My best to you.
tlc
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__________________ "By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach." ~Winston Churchill
I am so sorry that you are feeling low right now. You have been such a support and comfort to me over the last few weeks when I have been feeling low. Thank you for that.
For me, I refused to add an extra pressure to myself and took baby steps in everything that I was doing. I tried not to let anything affect me too deeply and I gave myself 'permission' to go at my own pace. I also went back to steps two and three and worked at getting a much better relationship with my HP.
I shared at a meeting recently how I was feeling and the love and support that came back to me was overwhelming.
I remember when I was coming up to my first birthday and I expected to feel on a real high. I didn't and I couldn't understand it at first. But, my alcoholic mind was reminding me that if I had stuck at AA when I first came then I would have had 'x' amount of sober time. I also spent too much time dwelling on everything that I had done when I was back out drinking. But, it did pass. This will pass for you, too.
Joni, you have been an amazing inspiration to me ever since I have known you. You work a wonderful program and your humility is just great and enviable (in the nicest possible way). Just hang in there and know that you are a much loved and special person.
(((Hugs)))
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
But isn't it awesome that today we can own up to our shit! That we don't lose anything, that it's all still there, and that we can learn from a relapse. Today I can say "I CHOSE" . Gotta admit thats BIG stuff. And it's what will get us through a rough patch.
I got to the part of your post where you say " it is the numbness here and there that baffles me and makes me suffer so". I too felt that I suffered when I felt numb. Then I came to realize that one of the reasons I drank was to feel numb. I'm starting to be OK with numbness in sobriety! I believe it will take a lot more getting used to, but it sure beats the hell outta the alternative.
Hang in there, my friend. You are correct, it will pass....Thank you for sharing. I'm still in that briar patch myself, and you've really helped me today.
That which does not kill me will make me stronger. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that nothing and no one can cause me to drink. To drink or not to drink is of my own choosing.
There is much to be grateful for.....
Love you!
BIG ((((hugaroonies)))
-- Edited by Doll at 06:47, 2008-10-29
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hi Joni girl I soo feel where you are at right now! Im sorry we have to have feelings like this but they to shall pass! Heard that last night and chuckled! Yea whatever!!!I love what everyone has written and it is all so true! For me, and I feel probably for you too, its this dang weather neighbor! Gloomy and sick of being cold!! Never noticed how cold it was before because my life was in such a blur!
Last night I didnt want to go to my homegroup. Worked the night before and felt tired and grumpy. Ended up going and love my womens group. It seems everytime I go there I feel so much better about life. Its always emotionally and spiitually charged and the women share with such honesty. We all were crying from the get go but I think the honesty that can now be shared and the comfort we get from others is incredible!
Your doing the right thing by sharing where you are and getting advise from your doctor. A little boost may be what you need to get through the winter. Ugghhh! Shoveling time will be here before we know it!
Keep hitting your meetings, even when you dont want to! Stay close to your Hp and all of us here! Especialy know you are loved and we are all here for you!
We need a road trip to florida to soak in some rays! Maybe its withdrawl from no sunshine!!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Thank you, ladies. I can always count on you all to reach out and really show how you understand. Knowing that we are not alone is half the battle.
I do hear you all saying to "take it easy", and I think this is part of the problem. I have been in this "take it easy" mode for TOO long, I fear. It has turned into a world for me where I have nursed my somewhat isolationist tendencies for a very long time now, months and months, and I awaken with a case of the "WTF"'s.
I did talk to husband about it a little bit last night, expecting him to panic, (as he has before when we have talked about my depressive sides and such), but he is being very supportive. I know that there is work that I need to do though.
Danielle, you mentioned Yoga. I cannot think of a better ACTIVE way to relax and yet to ground and refresh myself again. Thank you for that.
And Carol, I think a walk through the Big Book and revisiting the Steps again certainly can't hurt. I do read meditations daily, but there is nothing quite like sitting down with the Big Book every day.
I think I need a plan of action right now. Some modification in my routine. I commit to at least one more meeting a week for now, and these above-mentioned things.
I am heading out to see a doctor as well, very soon, about this medication thing. It is good to re-evaluate this once in awhile as well.
I feel really loved and understood this morning, and I know where I can reach out for help, and I thank you gals for the understanding and encouragement.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Hey Jonijoni, I've been busy working and didn't see this before. Imo this is just pre anniversary jitters. I have them every year, even now. You just have to keep your head down and muddle trudge through it. Don't take anything that your head or anyone else's says too seriously and it'll pass. And don't let your disease sabotage your sobriety. Looking back, I don't think that I received the gift of the second step until I was over three years, as I had a lot of insane thinking and made some pretty poor decisions thinking that I was all that sober and more. It takes time and we can't expect not to have a bad day, week or month, especially in our first few years. Just chill and get busy having fun with your AA buddies doing those spontaneous things from your thread awhile back.
One other thing, fall/winter is a depressing time for a lot of people, me included. Every year when the leaves would fall, the days got shorter, and the temperature would drop, the depression started for me. That's why I moved to florida 16 years ago. I realized it and knew how good it felt to vacation down here during the winter and the contrasting death like conditions of the weather etc... when I returned home. It was more amplified, in my case, because I worked outside all winter. It's 43 degrees here this morning and I'm bundling up to help my guys build a big pvc fence on the beach. Al least we'll see the mid 60's today. Joni, go join a bowling team (a sober one) or something to lift your spirits. Ask around at meetings for something social and fun to do. Don't be just hanging around the house.
Jonijoni, let me just say that your words and actions have been inspiring. I have found comfort and genuineness in your words. I think the mere fact that you recognize your own stumbling blocks, and know what you need to do to clear them is strength. It really does show.
S.A.D. or Seasonal Affected Disorder is a very real condition, and plays havoc with people who are in tune with their surroundings. Therapy ranges from light exposure to medication. These links may help you, and make sure you talk to you doctor about S.A.D. when you see him.
Hey Jonijoni, I've been busy working and didn't see this before. Imo this is just pre anniversary jitters. I have them every year, even now.
I was thinking the same thing. I remember, two weeks before my one year birthday, the only thing I could think about was drinking. It was a crazy time for me. I hit more meetings then ever in that two week span.
Thanks again for the love and support. Dean, you are so right.... it is just so HARD to get out form under this rock I have shoved myself under. I think SAD has a lot to do with it. Ohio is one of the LEAST sunny places in the country!! If I did not love my family so much, and have a day to day relationship with them all, plus preparing to care for them one of these years, I would get the hell out of here in a heartbeat. Have lived on the West Coast before. But, since I cannot pry myself from Ohio, I will have to make do with what is available.
I am planning a long nature walk with my doggy this weekend. It is supposed to be in the upper 50's to low 60's and partly sunny this weekend. Am also going to look up my local Dry Club and see if anything fun is going on this weekend. Most of the "closest" women friends I have in recovery are married, and/or have small children, don't get out to "hang" that often. My sponsor is busy with her hubby most weekends as well. I don't like to go out and about on my own to the dry clubs in the evening, as it can be scarey downtown where the clubs are during the evenings.
But I am going to try to find somewhere to go and socialize a little, maybe on a Saturday afternoon, and see if any other recovering folks are around having coffee. It is hard to break habits, but this business of holing-up has gone on too long.
Anyhooooooo........ just very appreciative of support here, and so much understanding.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Hey Joni can you get in a tanning bed? I know it's not particularly wonderful for your skin by The rays will do you good. If you find a cheap airfare to tampa, come down for a long weekend. Got a nice guest room and Mrs. C won't mind. My last trip this year, to NC, is next week then I'm home for at least 3 months.
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
LOL... thanks Dean!! Wish I could come down!!! I go to Okeechobee with dad some winters... to fish with him. He lives down there in the winter months (snow-bird).
I refuse to ever lay in a tanning bed again. I work for a dermatologist!!!!! I have already had one minor pre-cancerous lesion removed from the back on my leg!!! ACK!!! I am better off laying in the sun with some sunscreen on. LOL
Thanks for the open invite though!!
Friday night has been fun..... took a long nap from 7 to 11 with the dog, here in the office/spare room. I know I know.... nap????????? Yup. Exhausted from a long week, and now I am feeling peachy keen, at least for the time being. I love my sleep.......
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
