need a great phrase

Dave Harm · Senior Member

need a great phrase

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Live & Let Live is a great one. We don't have to take offence at someone else telling us what to do in a meeting we can let it go '& Let God!' but on a practical level & responding to your request, Dave, I'd see if our mutual friend can share simply for himself by gearing his shares from the point of view of what HE has to do to stay sober. Suggest that he keep it with himself & share for himself. To own what he has to say for himself first.

That's a tough one I find for me. I'll quite often use the pronoun 'you' to generalise instead of speaking 'I' which can be difficult & personal for me. I can find owning actions hard for myself too. But, this is all part of growing up & taking responsibility for myself alone & independently. I can't tell anyone else what to do. How about.. 'We cannot carry another alcoholic, we can only carry the message or be the message by being a good example'. No one likes to be preached to. It's hard to suggest & not preach too much too! I hope you find the right words. Maybe praying for guidance may be a help to you too. God bless, Daniella x

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Thanks Daniella,

Your assessement of "you" and "I" put a smile on my face. I went over that with him a couple of months ago.

For me using "you" can put a person on the defensive and make them put there guard up. I made him try to always use "I" statements and throw "you" out of his vocabulary.

Like I said, he is always willing to learn and really wants to "get it," but I'd love for him to start figuring some of this out on his own. I know if I told him to quit it - he would. But I believe it won't help his growth. So I'm trying to make him figure it out on his own.

Peace,
Dave

Creating Dreams, from the nightmares of hell...

tlcate · Senior Member

Well - here is someone absolutely not in a place to give advice today - so I will keep it short.

I find that many times I give my opinion about something - especially in the program - and then something takes place immediately afterward to show me that I was wrong / need to keep an open mind / need to not judge so much. It is funny how these things are placed just when I need them and I feel blessed I catch them when they float by. It is one of the things that got me back up and into the program today. I call them my little miracles. In my first week I pushed HARD on the God concept - soon I came to "Ok, I will just wait and see" and now I am watching with interest at how things play out. Had my first meeting with my sponsor today. Come to find out he is a retired pastor. I had no idea.

Wow.

I have faith that something like that will appear for him - if he is open to it. Sounds like perhaps you are hoping for the same thing.

Good luck and congratulations on being there to help someone. I received the same help today and it was much needed.

tlc

learning · MIP Old Timer

Hi Dave,
Don't know if it would help......perhaps a journal. At meetings perhaps have him take notes of the speakers and then write his advice down rather than speak it. With the addition of writing the advice he might pen how it applies to his own use.
I kept a sort of diary/journal during the period when I first learned my AH had been cheating in our marriage. I went back many times over these writings and little by little
they have helped to 'heal' me, as well as, 'let go and let God'. There seemed to be more
clarity in things I could not change, as well as, things that I needed to.......even though they
were MY OWN thoughts on paper.
Your friend might become more aware of his faults, when there should be silence, and
how to tactfully help another fight this disease without what is assumed to be boredom.
For me it was one of the best tools I used. You simply might suggest he do this as an
exercise to see how far he has come and how far he needs to go.
Good Luck,
Wanda

Rosie · Senior Member

Hi Dave, I was thinking as I read here that you may want to tell him that the best way to help people is to share his own experiences strengths and hopes and explain that is an indirect and more effective way to help others and in the meantime himself.

Good luck, It is very nice of you to be so thoughtful in helping your sponsee. I admire that. God bless Rosie

Doll · MIP Old Timer

How about ~~~~ One I hear all the time....

"You're just not that important!"

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

I would say, just let him be and appreciate that he is sober. His vocal-nature may come in handy sometime, later on down the road when the pink cloud wears off, and it may rescue him from a relapse someday. This is the kind of stuff we learn often on our own... Sounds like there is a lot of eye-rolling going on, which may embarass YOU, so check your own motives. I do like "Principles before Personalities", "Live and Let live", and "How Important Is It". Used in this case, in reverse, when looking at your own reaction to it. The guy is 5 months sober, and probably a lot better off than he was 6 months ago.

Jednorozec · Veteran Member

You might point out that there are 10 steps between 1 and 12. Page 113 of the 12 and 12 talks about two-stepping.

-- Edited by Jednorozec at 21:13, 2008-10-21