Life has thrown some big, very painful curves at me over the last two weeks - and I tried so hard to keep doing the right things - at the most painful parts - get my fanny to a meeting. Finally overwhelmed - I throw up my hands, grab the bottle and scream out for help in all the wrong ways - pushing people away while hoping they would come save me. No one is going to save me. No one is going to keep me sober but me.
Me, the stoic - me the "push through this and take care of business" - is finally on my knees - crying all day - crying through the next meeting - where God has placed the most painful thing possible in the room for me to live through...testing my strength and resolve. A new baby - after I just lost mine. I have to stay - I have to tilt my head head back and cry and just live through this hour and listen to every word said and know that it will save me. Just keep reaching out for that hand up - and if isn't there on that try - try again.
I shared recently about how I was learning to let go - not be perfect - and ask for help. So I fell down this time - and got "I can't help you". Boy - that felt bad. But I am OK with it now. I have to help myself, I have to love myself, I have to work my program. No one can do it for me. And I can't expect anything from others. They are doing the best they can. I am alone - and I am enough - and it is OK.
Off to meet with my sponsor. I blew off our first step meeting as I was isolating after drinking. I was ready to have him tell me to go away - but instead I am going to sit down with he and his wife and just take the next step. I can not tell you how much this means to me. I was ready to have him turn me away - and I was prepared to be persistent and find someone else and keep going back. When he told me this - I was going to just go to another meeting. Instead - he said "come over".
Today I have not drank. Today I am doing the next right thing. Through the absolute pain I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am usually a really quick study - I thought I was doing well. But I think God noticed I really didn't get it and thought taking me down a notch would help me see it clearly.
I truly just have today. And I am enough.
tlc
__________________
__________________ "By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach." ~Winston Churchill
So here I am again. What a day. It is funny - over the last year and a half I have said "I have never hurt this much in my life" over and over and over - and each time it gets a little worse.
Insanity. Keep doing the same things... And not only did I get the same results, they got worse everytime.
Today in my mind was a ladder. I am at the bottom, the water is rising, and I am just exhausted. I am - literally - I am having health problems and still putting everything else and everyone else in front of taking care of myself. I am an emotional wreck and have no physical strength to pull myself out of it. Never been here and wow - I will never find anyone in this position "weak" again. I actually considered asking my mother down for a week - so I can just let someone else run the show, I can rest, eat well, and get my strength back. Then I came to my senses and realized I just might get what I am asking for. Wow - I must be REALLY tired.
Anyway - back to the ladder. Just need to make it to the next rung. Reach out (make a phone call) - miss the rung. Reach out again a few times - nothing - and in the meantime someone punches me and gives me a charlie horse in my leg (big time strike out phone call.) Reach out again - perfect - got it - just what I needed - support and understanding. And it appears in life that once you succeed - it gets easier. 3 great phone calls, one meeting, and my first meeting with my sponsor - and I have made it up a couple of rungs on the ladder.
So tonight - I am just inches above the water - I am cold, shivering, and tired - but I have some success to help me sleep. And I feel so much better than I did in the morning. This morning - AA was cursed for me. I hated it. I have been exposed to it and preached to about it for the last year and a half and the preacher was doing everything the opposite of what was coming out of his mouth (not a literal preacher). I kept hearing "This is what it looks like" but my mind was screaming - your feet aren't matching your mouth!!! And when I reached out to others the last couple of days - I got bad results. It was not going well. But I stayed with it - because I have seen some amazing things in the couple of months I have been in the program........and it paid off. It paid off bigger than I could have imagined. I believe it all happened so I could have absolute faith in it when I finally got my hands around it. It saved me today.
So I go to this meeting I have never been to before. It is in a not so nice part of town and it is a group home for women, which was a surprise. I was afraid - not for my personal safety - but I was afraid to walk in that door. One person said hello. I sat down - and the minute the serenity prayer was started I cried. You don't understand - I am like John Wayne - I don't cry ESPECIALLY in public. I fought it so hard my entire face was quivering. And then it is like God opened this woman's mouth and said everything I needed to hear. Everytime I would look over - she was looking right at me. And I even managed to laugh - before I started crying again.
The meeting with my sponsor was even better.... but I am sure your eyes are straining - or you have lost interest my now - and my fingers are tired.
... so I will end it here. Thank you everyone for listening. I feel so odd doing this - writing this extremely personal stuff - but my mind starts chattering - and I read posts and write and it helps - a LOT. When I journal - I start looping and focusing on the bad. I just hope that someday I can help someone new who comes here with their head about to spin off - who rambles like me. I see all these nice, short pearls of wisdom and think..... I gonna grow up and be like them someday!
I might just make this work. I did for today.
tlc
__________________
__________________ "By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach." ~Winston Churchill
Hi Tlcate, Your share is extremely heartwarming and is exactly how I have been feeling for a long time now. I understand the feelings and the feelings of powerlessness in it all and the great desire to find a way to overcome and not drown in all of it and to find a way to be able to go on and feel normal and happy again.
You are taking all the right steps and reaching out and letting down is going to be the best blessing you can do and have.
I remember having a hard time even being able to walk down my hallway to shower from the pain and torment of things in my life. I was not drinking at all and it was just from the pain of it all. But I reached out to people and they kept giving me pep talks and telling me to put one foot in front of the other and to do small things that would build into bigger ones.
Their support gave me that courage even though I wanted to ignore it all at times and just lay in bed. It amazes me that I was so disabled and now I am so strong in doing so many things.
Yes I have relapsed but I am so so so much stronger in so so so so so many ways. It did not seem possible to be strong back then. But it all works out and the steps I took make me proud of myself.
You can do it dear soul and are doing it. The break through will come and your life will be clear to you. God bless you and thank you so much for sharing. You are helping me and many people. Love Rosie
Thanks sweetie! Welcome back to you too! Sounds like you are doing well and I am proud of you.
Today is much better. Sloooowly getting my strength back. But I worked a full day - did well there. Still have more to do on my list - but I am just soooo tired and I have really bad thoughts bouncing around my head. So - I will grab a meeting. Checked in with my job - all is well there. Told my daughter I drank - she didn't even know it - booze is in the cabinet and I drank while she was here. Funny stuff. But I didn't get hammered and let her know that I messed up and am jumping back on the horse. She is proud of me and glad he is gone - last straw for both of us.
So - just making sure the foundation of the house of cards is still intact - seems the walls are up too - just the internal structure has a LOT of fire damage and needs some rebuilding. Find supportive people, stay away from the sick ones, get some help repairing walls, slapping on some paint and all will be well in no time.
Ok - did I run off to the hardware store on my little drinking escapade? Ladders...rebuilding houses....I am a very strange girl.
Wish me luck, all I want to do is roll over and go to sleep - and that is exactly what my body needs - but that is rarely a choice I can make. But, I still have to go to the pet store, grocery store, pick up the munchkin, go to a meeting, do a few more work chores, do a few house chores, and find some time to eat in there as I really haven't for several days. Who takes care of mommy?
Love to you Rosie. I wish I could come grab your hand and we could walk together through this. Your support is just precious to me.
tlc
__________________
__________________ "By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach." ~Winston Churchill
Hi Tlcate, It is so hard when you got so much on your plate. I am not sure of your story. But it seems like you have had a lot of trauma going on. I am sorry for all of that.
Your strength will come back as you push a bit to get things done but you do need to rest so I hope you can sleep well and feel better. Sleeping is needed and also can be hard when you try even if you are exhausted so easy does it and know it will all work out.
I am glad you can get to a meeting. It helps to not feel so alone and hearing others share their stories eases the pain.
I love what you said about grabbing my hand to walk through this. I pictured it and it feels like we are. That really is helping me not to feel so alone. Thank you and your support is also precious to me. God bless you Love Rosie
hi i just want to say i'm so glad to have read your words and your struggles cause their honest and real i have all the answers for you !!!! i'm exactly the same running on empty skipping meetings putting jobs kids house mother teresa tasks first before AA and wonder why i feel lonely and self pity but i have a daily reprieve if i do the worki managed to make a meeting today on step 1 lot's of hugs and true friends and we're not alone anymore i really have to get this ! so just reading yours helps thanks andhang on in there x
Yes, welcome Janee and thanks for the kind words. Yes - we women have our work cut out for us!
Doing MUCH better today. Things are settling down and I am feeling better. I am starting to see the gifts in my life today - clearing out all the trash - and focusing on myself. Today is better than yesterday - and tomorrow will be better than today. That is so wonderful.
Yes, please post and tell us about yourself - and welcome to the family!
tlc
__________________
__________________ "By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach." ~Winston Churchill
