Not long ago, I was at one of my regular meetings. There is a young guy there who has some sobriety, talks a lot -- he just seems to get a lot of attention, even has "groupies" it seems. I've seen the type before, didn't really give it much thought. After the meeting, my girlfriend - who is not AA, and only observed this guy for a few minutes said, "He likes to be dramatic".
That was the word I was looking for. I really think that alcoholics as a group are drama queens (regardless of gender). We love attention, and we cultivate the behavior that gets it. There's probably some underlying psycobabble that correlates the need for attention, drama, etc. with the addictive personality. But I'd rather talk about how a bunch of drama queens - admitted or not - can get along pretty well with each other.
My friend above stands out even among fellow AAs, but I wonder sometimes if most of us don't stand out the same way in a crowd of "normal" people. Certainly there are exceptions. I'm actually a shy person - I tended to seek and enjoy solitude, but in most gatherings I can create the impression of being an extrovert. This is a coping skill I suppose - the word again is "cultivated". Alcohol makes this process easier, it can make us fearless in these situations.
When looking for a member of the opposite sex, I found myself attracted to the female drama queens. I fought that impulse for many years, alone, aided mainly by the fact that they weren't attracted to me. Either I wasn't dramatic enough, or just didn't have the right line of bull. Now that I'm engaged to someone who is *not* a drama queen, but a loving, caring, contemplative person who truly loves me the way I am, my whole approach to this drama thing has shifted. It's more for fun, and it is enjoyable when it's for fun and not just for survival of my fragile ego. I can engage in it, but when it falters and I don't get the attention I'm seeking, I can laugh it off and go on with life.
The male drama queens always gave me mixed feelings of jealousy, awe, and competitiveness. The female ones pulled at me like a ball bearing to a 2-ton magnet. It's nice to step back and see that it's all a game. One I can choose to play. Or not. Or simply sit back and be entertained. I think if AA wasn't a haven for the dramatic, it wouldn't have the attraction factor talked about in the traditions. Underneath all that stage presence can often be found some true humility.
I have an up-and-comer in my immediate family. My 14 year old granddaughter is not a drama queen. She's a Drama Goddess. Whether she's exhuberant, hyper, quiet, or even being a "surly teenager" as her mom calls her, she *owns* the room. Perhaps that perception is magnified through my eyes, but most people I've known who have met her - young and old, male or female - would agree with my assessment. This girl has the blood of alcoholics running in her genes up one side and down all major branches of her family tree. She's also very smart. But she can still be scary. Hey, she's in school, and doing great - her mother had quit school, been to jail and rehab before she was that age. My granddaughter is also what I'd call intense... but not focused. She hasn't found her passion in life yet. I just hope it ain't in a bottle or a pill. I know there's no protecting her from it. My daughter got sober on her own. My only part in it was to be there, sober myself, when she came back to the family, to be there for her and her little girl. I love my granddaughter more than anything but I know loving her means letting her grow up, on her own terms. God's plan is in effect, always - my plans are, well - to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep my eyes and ears open.
A very good read for me this morning, Barisax. I can personally identify with what you described in the early parts of your post, and then again in what you described in the way of the transition in your own life, the "take it or leave it" regarding drama, and also in your now attracting non-dramatic people (like your fiance). Seems this attention-seeking stuff suited me well when I was young, single, and trying to prove something to others in AA (and outside AA as well). For me though, it seemed to stem from a need to prove to MYSELF that I was important, because I really believed down deep that I wasn't. If other people paid attention and went along with me, it gave me evidence that I was worthy. Without that "evidence", I was lost. For me, it was all part of trying to fill that hole inside.
Thank God not only for recovery, and the Steps, where I could finally come to KNOW these things about myself, but that I could also learn that I was valuable, with or without undue attention from the outside. I think maturity had a lot to do with it also. I came into recovery with a very juvenile sense of the world around me, and even at the tender age of 29 (that was then), I operated as a teenager trying to "find herself".
I have to be sensitive to those in AA whom I would like to start the old "eye-rolling" in response to. They are where they are at for a reason. Sometimes the people I am the most "embarrassed for", are the ones who remind me of MYSELF, and my journey, the most.
My path today finds me in a much different place, just like you. I tend to be a bit more internal these days, although I can bust a move and be comical and fun if I would like to. I think I have stopped searching for most things other than peace and serenity, and the ability to get through the day with sobriety and with as little calamity as possible. I have you people to thank for that. I also have the benefit of maturity and wisdom (well, a little) to thank, in kind.
I became curious reading about your grand daughter. Sounds so much like the teen blowing in the wind that I was.... smart, but lack of direction. I was the life of the party around family, but very moody. You have a great attitude about the whole thing: letting her find her way in life without undue interference. I will say that she seems a very lucky girl to have a grand dad who really understands her.
Thanks for this post today. I really enjoyed it. Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Thanks Baisax! I have a daughter that sounds just like your granddaughter...Drama mama for sure! Gotta love her and hope she sees by example how life can be so good without altering her mind!!!!! Little scary but have faith we will get through!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
I've heard the drama thing said about AAs and I've said it more than a handful of times about myself (never out loud though!)
AA is a place where my dramatics are laughed at but accepted. We all know how it is. Being dramatic can fall under the category of taking yourself too seriously, but it's possible to be dramatic just for fun. Hey it's a skill, may as well use it!
