Life, and recovery, are multi-leveled dynamics.  There are multiple levels within the horizontal level. There are multiple layers to our wounding. Part of the reason it is so important to start to learn how to have internal boundaries is so that we can start seeing the different levels - start sifting through the layers.  As long as we are reacting to old wounds and old tapes then we have no choices - and our perspective is all messed up. 

"Our "self" is made up of a myriad of relationships.  We have a relationship with our own mind, our body, our emotions, our soul, our gender, our sexuality, our concept of a Higher Power.  We learned to relate to ourselves according to how our father, our mother, our siblings, our classmates, our teachers, our relatives, etc. related to us.  The events of our life added dimensions and flavors to our relationship with our self. . . . . The ways in which we experienced our self in those early years were through what we felt and the reflections we saw in the eyes of the people around us - in the ways in which people reacted to/behaved toward us.  We had to learn to define and defend ourselves in the best ways we could because the reflections we saw, the behaviors we experienced, were coming from people who were wounded and reactive, angry and scared, hurt and ashamed.  We learned to relate to ourselves, to other people, and to the life process, in early childhood - and then had more experiences growing up (and as adults) that reinforced in different ways the original experiences. 

We have layer upon layer of attitudes, definitions, and beliefs that are a factor in how we relate to ourselves.  Until we become aware of how those events, traumas, experiences, etc., have effected us we cannot change how we react in the situations that stimulate memories of those incidents - cannot defuse and disempower the reactive buttons that have been running our lives."
Wounded Souls Dancing in The Light

It is vitally important to start sifting through the layers in order to see life as it really is - and to learn how to be honest with ourselves. We have lived our adult lives in reactions to our childhood wounds and programming.  Our patterns in relationships (all relationships - with other people, with money, with work, with our own bodies, etc.) are symptoms of our childhood wounding.  As long as we are focusing on the experiences of our adult life without looking for how it is connected to our childhood, we are not seeing reality clearly.  As long as you are looking at your last relationship from the perspective of blaming your self or the other person for your problems, you are not being honest with your self - you are reacting from old black and white perspectives.

In order to change our experience of life we need to heal the causes - not keep focusing on the symptoms.  In order to do that it is vital to start practicing discernment - start practicing picking the baby out of the bath water instead of swinging between reactive extremes.

"Learning discernment is vital - not just in terms of the choices we make about who to trust, but also in terms of our perspective, our attitudes.

We learned about life as children and it is necessary to change the way we intellectually view life in order to stop being the victim of the old tapes.  By looking at, becoming conscious of, our attitudes, definitions, and perspectives, we can start discerning what works for us and what does not work.  We can then start making choices about whether our intellectual view of life is serving us - or if it is setting us up to be victims because we are expecting life to be something which it is not.