Well today is day 25, and like I have said before, everyday gets a tiny tiny TINY bit better. They are such small changes that they sometimes goes unnoticed (by myself), but I know that they are there.
Here's my question for today....Thurday was a close friend of mine's birthday. She asked if we could all go out to a local bar and shoot some pool. I contemplated it the entire day and finally ended up going. I know that a bar is not the place I need to be in right now, but to be honest, I just really want to be around people my own age once in awhile. Anyway, I did really good. Had a great sober time. I was shocked, never thought that that could happen. It was such a good feeling to know that I was going to drive home sober, not have withdrawls in the morning, and funny to see all of the drunk people towards the end of the night : )
Now, I completely understand that putting myself in that situation often is a very bad idea, but was I wrong to go? And, should I say no next time?
Lastly, someone from this forum had told me to contact my local AA office and they may be able to give me some meetings that I can attend that would have people a little closer to my age group. I called and they were unable to do so. They had a teen group, but that was about it. Any other suggestions? I love all of the advice from everyone at the meetings, but I also cannot call a male, twice my age and ask if we could hang out : ) I go to three meetings a week and out of the three there is only one person in there 20-30. Don't get me wrong though, I get all of my best support and advice from the people that have been sober for years!
ARE THERE ANY WOMEN TWICE YOUR AGE YOU CAN HANG OUT WITH? :)
I always tell the girls I sponsor that they are going to do what they feel is best for them...it's not my job to dictate their lives, it's my job to show them how i worked the steps and live a sober life. They of course can tell me anything they want to and I will ask them to look at why they're doing it as opposed to jumping in with eyes closed. Going to a bar for a friend's birthday is not a bad thing, it becomes slippery when WE/ME start to remember "the good times" we had when drinking. That's why going in early sobriety can be dangerous. The Big book talks about having a reason to be there, other than drinking.When I do go to events where I know I will be around drinking, I have a few things I do to feel a little better...I drive my own car, so I can leave if I start to feel wierd, I have a list of AA numbers I can call if needed, and I try to find another AA member to go with me if possible.
Finding non drinkers to hang out with...try a church maybe. My 18 yr old still goes to her youth group she started with at 12. These kids have become some close friends with her, or if you're in college, join a club you are interested in. There really are people between 20-30 that don't spend their life in bars. It just takes changing where you go to meet them. And you might check out that "teen" meeting...you might be surprised.
Are there any colleges/universities in your area? They usually have sober/recovery groups. They are student groups usually, but you could call them and tell them your situation. They will either have ideas for you or they may just tell you to come along and hang out (I was a member of several student groups--not recovery groups, more like excuse for partying groups, lol--in college and we often had "townies" that were unofficial members).
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even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you --Psalm 139
First, congratulations of your 25 days. Feels goooooooood doesn't it. :)
Next the questions:
was I wrong to go? You are going to get answers both positive and negative and a bunch that will simply say "What do you think?"
It is recommended that you take youself out of situations where you drank in order not to be placing yourself at risk. But what if you deliver beer for a living, or work in a liquor store?
You went for a "Special Occasion" and tossed the decision around for a day before doing so. Would you tell your boss you can't go to a very important luncheon because it was being held in a resaurant that serves alcohol?
If your heart tells you it was OK because it was a friend, it was a birthday and it was a special occasion. If you feel good about it, that's what is important.
And, should I say no next time? No definate answer there either.
Let's take one scenerio where the next time is the same friend, a year from now on, her birthday. Has it been a good, sober year for you? Have you been in and out of Detox repeatedly? Are you on steady ground or are you faltering?
Be aware I used a year from now. What if next week is the "next time" and the week after that another "next time", then a Friday and a Saturday of the following week becomes another "next time"? In other words, make sure "next time" doesn't become a habit.
Only you can answer that question and only: when you get there! Live for today, not the "next time".
About meetings with someone your own age. I seem to recall that all it takes to start a meeting is a place, a coffee pot and the will to do it. Why not ask all the people you can that fall between the 20-30 age group and start a "20-30 Age Group". Or if there is a group running now that has more than one room have a "branch meeting" for the 20-30 age group in a spare room. Like some groups have; "the Beginners meeting in Room A, the Old Timers in the basement and here in the main hall the general meeting."
And you're right, not a good idea to call a man twice your age and ask him to hang out. But I have to LOVE what cheri said:
ARE THERE ANY WOMEN TWICE YOUR AGE YOU CAN HANG OUT WITH? :) Good solid sound advice that is, except it's a question. But the rest of what she says is very solid wise words indeed.
Since alcohol doesn't have any age barriers the people you deal with in your sobriety shouldn't either. Personally I'd rather spend an evening with an older boring sober person that I know from AA than someone my own age who is drinking. {oh, wait a sec, I am that older boring sober person. How did I get here?}
But please, please, pick the ladies to hang out with. Have you heard of the 13th Step? If not talk to your sponsor about it and don't trip on it!
Have a great 26th sober day. Bruce
-- Edited by matay at 14:21, 2008-10-06
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Until I know what I'm doing, I'll ask questions from someone who has what I want. If I don't like the answer, it's probably the one I need!
Personally I love the old old timers. My last sponsor was sober 33 years and was 77 years old and she was my best friend. Me being young and young in sobriety people like her were best for me cause one the sobriety experience and then they have all that life experiences as well.
I found things became easier for me when I finally stopped comparing and started to identify. Alcoholism does not discriminate, age is not a factor when it comes to ES&H.
Also, I found out, the hard way, if I hang out at the barber shop long enough, I'll eventually get a haircut! I don't go to bar as I have no business there. The only reason I ever went to one was to drink, shooting pool was just the excuse........
Check out meetings other than the ones you're attending. It took me a while to find the one's I like the best.....
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I don't want people to misunderstand me. I want to be friends with people of any age. And my sponsor is much older than me, and I love that. She has more wisdom and experience than I feel like I will ever have. I really enjoy talking with people younger or older than me. I was just trying to say that I am having time meeting ayone my own age. I don't necessarily mean someone in my "situation". I guess part of that comes from living in such a small town. I do go to AA meetings in two other towns, but both are also small. I really, really want to get involved with my church again also. For some reason though, that makes me more nervous than my first AA meeting did! Who knows!
And, thanks for the comment about checking into my University for a group. That was something I didn't think about.
hi there since you like writing try a scrabble club, theres no booze there, and on the net its called wordbiz 1.8 free and harmless to join, there are scrabble clubs world wide in every city just like AA in fact a lot of them rent the same rooms out.
Wow that sux. Theres so many 20 to 30s in my city. They have a good ole time too. I join in occasionally but Im so old at 35. Id think about traveling to some YPAA conventions. INCYPAA is in March probably (Indiana Conference of Young People in AA). Unless you live in a very small town you will eventually find your peer group for the social stuff. I understand you may not want to play bingo on a Saturday night. Even if you never find them you will eventually be able to go any where you want and have normal type friends if you continue working the program and the obsession to drink gets lifted. Remember first things first and this is a fatal illness we have. Good luck.
