Okay, I am totally frustrated and need some advice. My fiancee' is also in recovery, he as about 114 days, we have been together 3 1/2 years and have 2 kids. I am 38 he is 23. I once again see relapse behaviour starting. I try to head it off before it becomes a problem, but reminding him of the things he is doing. Then all I get is, "I am not", "stop being a bitch", stop trying to bring me down. etc etc. I have issues with trust, since he has lied to me thousands of times, he also cheated on me once, so therefore I am very insecure. He has started going out with his single friends again. Last night, he told me he and his guy friend (in the program) are going to a haunted house to see if they can see any ghost. well then last night before he left he tells me, oh Amy is coming too ( some girl from his work, not in the program). I feel very left out. Then this morning it was oh and then Amy's sister came along. And then I got mad, but then he said, chill out, her boyfriend came too. At this point I didn't believe a word he said. I got pissed, because that would mean it was a 4 some, and while I the little lady stays home and takes care of the kids. I got extremly pissed, and basically threw his ring back at him. and told him he was now free to do as he pleases. just unfortunate that we have to live together still. He apparently told his "friends" what I have been doing to him for the last few weeks. I have been extremly depressed and suicidal, so he proceeds to tell everyone what a bitch I am, and now they are wanting to come over here and "straighten" me out and tell me what I am doing is wrong. UGH, I don't want these kids as my friends. I am perfectly capable of finding my own friends. Oh, and he put the ring back on my finger by the way. So then he writes to his dad to tell him what I have done "this time", and wrote a bunch of lies to cover his own butt, because of course, he did NOTHING to start this. and in this letter, he wrote that him, Mike, Amy and Amy's sister went out last night, funny, no mention of this boyfriend. Am I wrong to be angry??? This is how his last relapse happened. He started hanging out with "new" friends, started drinking, and then slept with someone else. What is the next right thing for me?? I don't know what to do. I know not to take a drink, but damn, to make myself feel better, temporarily would be a blessing right now.
You are doing really well Kym - you are communicating your feelings and voicing your frustration in a safe place. Talking about it here won't hurt anyone. You did the next right thing.
No matter what you do, or say, or even think...it has nothing to do with another person's relapse. He is responsible for that and nothing you do will over-ride his will if it is running riot.
It is night-time here, so tomorrow/today (whatever works in your time space) make some plans to fill the gaps in this relationship. Take a bit of time to work out when you are lonely - and make plans to fill that time, with other people (kids, friends, family etc) and things you enjoy. Make a list of all the things you want to achieve this year, and move into action. Think quietly about the areas you need support in, and set about providing for those areas... Use a pen and paper and make a real list.
Once you have some decisions sorted - the things you want to do and change and experience. Go to a meeting, approach the chair and ask to share. There will be many in the room who will need to hear you share on those things. If you can't get to a meeting, make an effort to find another alkie and share with them.
Then you will be able to start ticking things off on that list.
Practice humility and make your changes quietly. You do NOT have to tell him that you are being responsible for yourself, your responsibilities and your life (eg. I'm going to see so and so because I can't talk to you, or I've asked so and so to care for the kids because you can't be relied upon etc. - Try not to do this - just do what you need to do quietly).
There will obviously be things on your lists that involve him. Leave all those things for one whole week before you act on them. It is important that you put into motion some things for yourself here, and make some changes that will lift you. He may not change, but you can. And changes that you make in and around yourself, will very likely have a ripple effect to some degree. It is highly likely, that once you begin to start ticking things off on your list, he may come rushing back to your side and attempt to return things to 'normal'. Please don't lose sight of your list. Be true to you.
We are only limited by the limitations we put upon ourselves, Kim. Everything is going to be okay. You don't have to follow my suggestions - but it was suggested to me - and it worked. I met myself when I started being myself and living my own life. I pass this on with full confidence. Give it a whirl Kim. Make the list and move forward..
However, if you stay in the anger too long it can make you ill physically, mentally, emotionally, and spritually.
You did a "next right thing" by sharing what is going on in you and your situation.
Regarding his disease of alcohlism: In Alanon I learned that I did not cause alcoholism in the other person and I could't cure alcoholism in another person. They are responsible for their recovery from their alcoholism. I am responsible for my recovery from my alcoholism.
When I met the woman who became my wife each of us were in our fifth year of sobriety. That was about seventeen years ago. Some of the times during the first years of our relationship were confusing, painful and difficult. Several times I thought our relationship had ended. Each of us went to a lot of meetings both separately and together. Each of us also separately went to Alanon.
I use a prayer my sponsor Dorothy used in her relationship with her spouse. It goes "God, if you want this realationship to work you are going to have to change him, me, or both of us." I was suprised by the little changes which would take place.
Ask God to keep you sober. Go to meetings. Talk with others. Read the Big Book. Work a step. Tell God how angry, scared, and hurt you are and ask him for the changes he wants for you. Thank God for being sober at this moment.
Pause when you become agitated, angry, fearful, doubtful and ask God for you to feel as He wishes you to feel, think as he wishes you to think, speak as he wishes for you speak, and to take the action He wishes you to take.
You do have some built in problems with the age difference,,, not unsurmountable,, but they are there. You call his friends 'kids' and they are younger than you,, but they are his age, and he may feel put down if you don't respect them (that is outside of this 4some thing). You acted rashly by throwing the ring at him instead of talking to him reasonably. The kids are important factors here. I have been in relationships with big age differences, a decade makes a difference that has to be considered.
Have you considered marriage counseling? I don't think we are qualified to give any advice but to refer you to someone who is competent to help you with your marriage. We can give you some program tools,,, which is what Nic did,,, and encourage you to go to meetings... you can't control your husband,, but we can always do some self improvement, and often the self improvement has a good effect on the other people we have to deal with. When we are dealing more constructively we often get more positive results.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
My horse is still in slow mode, so it takes a while to get in here.
Still getting emails but cant send out much. Hopefull by Thursday or Friday this will change for the better. Miss you all.
Its great to see a lot of new faces in here, sharing with us.
Kim? Someone mentioned Alanon. It works for me.
When I first got sober and put the drink down, there wasnt much changed.
I went from a drunken Butt Hole to a Sober Butt Hole.
Ran around all over the place-same character defects--my way-very inconsiderate of others, and very self centered.
The only thing that had changed was, I had put the drink down.
Took a few hard bottom knocks before I went into changing mode.
Used to lie left and right, and run around all over the place trying to cover my butt.
Had an ego that was run riot, and everyone else was either wrong, or to blame.
Ive been in the Alanon program for a while now. Its gave me a lot of gifts that AA couldnt give me. And a great insight into why they call it a family disease.
Alanon takes care of a lot of reacting and anger, if you use some of their tools.
You cant change him--guess thats the bottom line hu?
But you can detatch with love, and not get wound up in his bullshit and insanity.
All the best Kim. Youve got a lot of new freinds on this board that care and understand.
Hang Tough Kiddo!!
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
