My name is Carl and I am an Alcoholic. For me, to drink is to die. The last drink I had was on 27th July 2007 and at that time my life was helpless, homeless and hopeless. I had spent the previous hours debating whether to kill everybody in the world or myself. As the affects of my last drunk wore off I knew the world would be a better place without me. The will to even bum or steal for another drink had gone and my lowest rock bottom was upon me. I wanted to die and decided the next bus would do it for me. I vaguely remember stepping in front of it and seeing the driver's face. I recall going backwards with thoughts of the driver and his life after my death. My next memories are of people laughing at me (I suspect now they were shouting at me). I fell to my knees and broke down for the umpteenth time. I prayed to God for him to take my limbs thinking this would stop me from drinking and doing other things. I couldn't even kill myself and had a breakdown on the side of the main road in a busy suburb of my hometown. Momentarily it all stopped as someone put a hand on my shoulder, I looked but no one was there. I heard a voice telling me to stop now and life doesn't have to be like this. After a short while and the commotion was over, a kindly man I know, Mr. L enquired about my welfare and my recently deceased Dad, then urged me to go to my Mother's home and apologise to her for what I had done to her. I was broke and broken when I arrived at the family home with my new version of I won't drink again or steal or lie to her. I asked to sleep in the garage for shelter as I couldn't be trusted. After Mum and my brother decided I could spend that night in bed, new feelings within me made it feel different. Next day an old friend came to the house and explained he was an Alcoholic, was a member of A.A. and hadn't needed to drink for over ten years. He took me to a meeting where I don't remember one word at all but hope had been felt. My friend took me to a few meetings, bought me the Big Book and agreed to be my Sponsor. Wow, very quickly my life started changing for the better. I joined a Home Group, started going to 2 or 3 meetings a day, spoke daily to my Sponsor and other Alcoholics and commenced Step meetings every Thursday morning with my Sponsor. My new life had begun. Words fail to explain the magic of A.A. and the miracles from a Higher Power. People told me 'It works if you work it' and a faith came to me whenever it was needed. I soon realised that something was doing for me what the medical profession or myself couldn't do for me. The obsession to drink was leaving me, though some days it seemed impossible. It was so painful at times I didn't think I would make it but I wanted to not drink more than anything I have ever wanted in my life. Days like these always pass though and my Sponsor and many loving Members of Alcoholics Anonymous helped me until I believed God was doing for me what I wasn't capable of doing myself. The Steps were hard at times but I have a passion for A.A. that surpasses all I had before. I would read the Big Book on awakening and before sleep, studied the relevant Step every day in the 12 and 12, watched the Joe McQ Step DVDs, listened to the Joe and Charlie talks on an mp3 and other A.A. tapes whilst at home and collected as much literature as my Sponsor and other Members gave to me alongside their Love and Fellowship. I started praying for longer and learned the Serenity, Step 3, 7 and 11 prayers and tried to meditate. Everything seemed to help at just the right times. I emptied my head and my life of my past through the Steps and made Amends to all those I had harmed and my life was becoming beyond my wildest dreams.
With God's help and strength my obsession to drink has gone just for today. I won't leave my bedroom before my prayers as I know without my H.P. in my day John Barleycorn will start his work. The God of my understanding is with me right through my day and I talk to him throughout. Meditation seems to be ever improving and my most frequent message is to give it back. After getting One year sober One day at a time I am now on the 12th Step list. Our Home Group is flourishing every Wednesday at 11.30am at the Basement in Liverpool where I do Service. Luckily other Groups allow me to do Service as a trusted member also. Honesty, Open-mindedness and Willingness were essential for my recovery. Fear is now a chance to be courageous and problems give me work that enable me to grow. Without God, A.A. and my Sponsor I would be dead. I am so grateful and feel so lucky to be alive. My days are full of Joy, Peace and Fellowship. All my defects and negativity are now felt before they are acted upon or even spoke. The pain I am now allowed to feel spurs me to enhance myself. For me, I have to try to do the right things and put myself in a position where my will is aligned to my Higher Power and I receive Acceptance and Courage and just sometimes a little Wisdom to know which path to take.
Coming to A.A. was the best thing I ever did in my life. My priority is to stay Sober and help other Alcoholics. I want, need and have God in my life today and try to carry this message whenever I can. God bless Alcoholics Anonymous and I pray that all Alcoholics receive the knowledge of God's will for them and the Power to carry it out. Carl, Liverpool.
-- Edited by Sobrietyspell at 18:45, 2008-09-22
__________________
Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
