The Steps. Are they necessary? Part II or: My Early Days in AA
My first post of the same title ended with:
You see, I was special! Everyone hears it: Do the Steps. If you want what we have do what we did! BULL!! Is what those were. Who actually did Steps 4 through 9. Come on get real! I knew who I was, that was enough for me. I don't need those steps, as I'm sure most of the people in these rooms didn't do them. It's just lip service.
Oh how wrong I was....
The first three years in AA are a blur for me today. I remember starting arguments to justify my stomping out of the meetings. Only later, by years, to realize that it was because I was hearing things I needed to hear, and not the things I wanted to hear. And I do so remember that feeling of "But I'm special, I'm different, can't these people see that!" It was to be my lock and chain holding me back for at least two years. But I never quit, I had some really great moments, and horrible pit falls. Ed, always there, always understanding, willing to help.
I went to the 2nd Annual 1st Canadian Big Book Study Seminar - The Paul Revere Group. WHAT A RUSH that was! Joe M., Charlie P, John W, Willie B. {fell in love with her Texas accent} and Jack B. It put a crack in my idea of not having to do the steps, but my mind plugged that crack with "but I'm special, I don't need to so those steps. I knew who I was and that was enough."
I went to a couple of local Round-Ups in that time, and even a Spiritual Weekend. And slowly but surely the "I'm special!" was being chipped away. Leaving me with bare bleeding emotional wounds to deal with. And no alcohol to dull the pain, and enough AA to know I couldn't run away from it. Therefore spending even more time with my sponsor, and little by little I was actually beginning to listen to what he was saying, not just hearing the words.
Ed kept chipping away with, "Why not do the steps? It's what we all had to do." YES ED, I've heard the talks, I studied them at the Big Book Seminar! But really what can they possible do. After all I know who I am, I thought. And to be honest I did Steps 2 and 3 with Ed just to shut him up. He knew what he was doing I'm certain of that today. Because he started pushing #4 at me. And somewhere inside me I realized that I couldn't run away from it. So I said I would.
One Sunday morning I went to my office to be alone, and started Step 4. I spent the whole day there writing, getting it just right. It was a masterpiece, I re-read it to see if there was something else that needed to be done, and I realized that I had to share this with him. Hmmm, better take this out, don't want him to know about that, now do I! OH, and that one too. OK, did the re-write and read it over. PERFECT! Ed will be pleased.
That night I took it to Ed and he read it. "Good start, but you need more!"
"WHAT!"
"Look Bruce, think of your fourth step as an aircraft hanger (we were both Air Force) that you have to clean out. What you've done today is to move the planes out (the faults everybody can see in you), but nothing else. On either side of a hanger there are hallways with offices. Go into those and clean them out."
DAMN, what does he want, blood. Well, not today. And for the next few weeks it was, "Did you start yet?" "No, not yet." "What are you waiting for?" Pushy bugger I thought. Until one day, I lied and said yes, and was flooded with instant guilt! So much so that I actually started to do my second go at my 4th Step. OK, go to the offices, how the heck do I do that. Ohhhhh, those things I took out. Gee, this can't be good, but .... I started.
It took a few weeks this time, I was doing at home in the spare bedroom turned into a computer room, and I was doing it on the computer. Slowly but surely I was beginning to see myself in this step. And let me tell you, I didn't like what I was seeing, but what the hell.
The day came and I took it to Ed. He sat there in his chair reading quietly. Me, I was nervous, fidgety, knots in my stomach waiting. When he was done he looked at me and asked what I thought. Of course I said it wasn't good! NOT!!!! I told him it was done and that was me.
"Bruce, you've taken the furniture out of the offices and have it all piled up on the tarmac with the planes. Now you need to go back and dust the place out, getting all the cobwebs and dust bunnies with a vacuum and a wet rag in the corners and window sills. Also you've missed a very important point that I know you know about. The 4th Step says a "moral inventory" not an "immoral inventory", so go back and do it again, some of those dust bunnies are good things about you, I want t see them."
DAMN!!!!!! Now what. OK, I'll get started. And this time it took me three months. Making sure that 4th Step v1.0 and 4th Step v2.0 were in there was the easy part. It was not time for the deep soul searching. Getting down and finding all those hidden closets and opening them, grabbing the skeletons and dusting them off, and putting them back, only this time they didn't look so scary anymore, once I had looked them in the face. The process produced some very heavy crying sessions as I discovered who I really was. I had to walk away from my writing for two or three days at a time to allow myself to understand and accept this "garbage" I was coming across, at time starting another crying session. And as I proceeded I saw the list of good things about me accumulating as well which gave me, a little bit more courage to continue.
When it was done, I took it to Ed. I was ashamed and embarrassed, as he read it in his quiet manner. I was worried about what he would think of me. Ed finished and looked at me. I remember I wanted to die. "Well, obviously you're no different than most of us."
HUH!!!! You see, we alcoholics are pretty much the same, we only think we're different, but deep down inside, we are the same. Alcohol does that to us. And then he shared some stuff with me that floored me. And I knew I "wasn't special", just another alcoholic struggling to get beyond the "seemingly hopeless state of mind and body", and once I got my "self" out of the way, the path was clear.
So, are the Steps Necessary? NO, they are not, you can continue along in your hopeless state of mind and body if you choose to. But if you really want what AA has to offer then I'd have to say: YES, they are!
Have a GREAT sober day! Bruce
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Until I know what I'm doing, I'll ask questions from someone who has what I want. If I don't like the answer, it's probably the one I need!
Hey Bruce, Thanks for the share! Honestly looking at ourselves is a hard things to do. But once we get it out in the open, thats when the change occurred for me. The past is the past , I can see where I was wrong and needed help, then comes the willingness to change all that old stuff! Im on step 8 and pray daily for god to remove the old stuff that isnt pleasing to Him or me! Hasnt happened yet!!! But I have faith that when its time, it will be time!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Actually, I owe you all a Thank You, for letting me share.
In order to put this into two posts, I had to trim back on a lot of things. For example the three months doing my final Step 4. The emotional pain was horrible as I was finding out who I really was. There were complete days lost to tears and a shaking trembling body. With feelings of being a worthless piece of {insert word of choice}. Discovering "Why!" people thought of me the way they did. But when the tears and shakes of that day were over there was less weight on my shoulders, and I started to feel a "bit" better.
Lani put it perfectly:Honestly looking at ourselves is a hard things to do. But once we get it out in the open, thats when the change occurred for me. ... in fact I would say it is probably the hardest thing a person can do if done honestly! But oh, the rewards are - priceless!
Today I can tell you, from that experience, that as these internal revalations are made, and I went through the fear, anger and dispair of each, they got easier and by the time I got close to finishing that 4th Step I "almost" didn't want it to end. Because that really BIG first piece of crap I picked up on two and a half months earlier created no more fear, anger or dispare. It had seen the light of day, it was no longer an "unknown" and no longer something to fear.
I was getting to the point that I didn't want to leave anything out, I didn't want it to sneak up on me at some point in the future and bite me in the butt.
You know, I still have those skeletons in my closet, but today they look different. They are all "dusted off" and just hanging around. That's because every now and then, I'll take one out and share it with another alcoholic that might benefit from seeing it. Then I simply hang him back up, and close the door. It's not locked today, I threw the key away because I need easy access to who I was so as not to go back there. And every time I help "you", I'm helping myself to stay sober too.
Have a great sober day. Bruce
-- Edited by matay at 09:34, 2008-09-18
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Until I know what I'm doing, I'll ask questions from someone who has what I want. If I don't like the answer, it's probably the one I need!
