Well, for those of you who might have forgotten, the alcohol is still there and it does the same things it used to do...
Leading up to Monday night, I had this itch to do some "research", to see if maybe my mindset was different, that maybe all this calamity of the last 6 months had changed my approach and reaction to alcohol. This string of reasoning is on par with: "I haven't drank for this substantial period of time, so perhaps I can control it now". I thought, since i had not drank in over two months, that my body had given up its tolerance, and I would probably only drink 4 or 5 beers. Surely, I would get bloated, get full, and want to stop. But, instead of just buying a 6pck, i feared i might run out (alcoholic thinking anyone?) so i bought what i used to buy before rehab: pint of vodka and a 6pck of 16oz Buds.
I think I enjoyed myself for about an hour and a half, and then I don't remember anything. I have never blacked out so early. When I came to on Tuesday, I was vomiting bile and soon found out I had drank all the alcohol. My tolerance may have slipped a little, but i could still woof down 15+ beers/shots and i was feeling it. Things were out of place in my apartment, and i think i had a wrestling match with my bicycle, scuff marks on the walls prove this. I emailed a couple people at 4am and when i heard my voicemail the next day, I recoiled in horror. Who else did i call/email?? Thankfully, everyone I tried to contact was an alcoholic, so they certainly couldn't burn me at the stake for being a pitiful sop.
I'm writing this thread for reasons two-fold: 1) To tell on myself and get honest 2) Scare someone else from doing "research"
Im not going to drink tonight, and I haven't been grateful for that fact since the first day of rehab. I feel ashamed but at the same time, I feel like i want sobriety even more. I still fear that maybe I won't go to any lengths to get it, and that reservation looms large and very well might spell my doom down the road, but i don't want to think about that right now. Take care everyone.
I am so sorry to hear about your story, but we are all still human and I suppose we all go through that stage where we start wondering (maybe hoping) whether we can in fact use alcohol moderately . . . I know I think about it quite often, and I have only been sover for little more than a week :-0
But as you say, you learnt from it, so maybe it wasn't SUCH a bad thing
Good news all around, Dods. You found the answer to your question, you helped me today by reminding me of where I never wish to go again and you're proof once again that alcoholism is progressive whether we continue to drink or not.
I'm glad you made it back....... Get to a meeting and share your story. It'll not only do you good but will help others as well.
BIG (((hug)))
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Adam, Thank you so much for sharing this today. Your humility is awesome, don't lose that piece of this. It is so great that we can share stuff like this and really be accepted and understood. It helps me so much to again hear about what a "one-nighter" is like after some recovery. It sucks. It forces me to remind myself that this is ME when I have let down my guard and experimented. The thing with me though, is that no matter what, I cannot stay INDOORS and out of public while drunk!! UGH!! Triple trouble!!
Take care of your health over the next few days. Get lots of rest. Write down your fears and feelings about all this, so you can pull them out if you feel like going down this road again. And get to a meeting. You will feel the weight lift by doing so.
((((hugs))))) Take care, Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Hi Adam Welcome back. I guess your "research" did a great thing for you! Sounds like you are convinced now!!? For some of us that had that looming question of whether or not were an alcoholic, we had to do that addition searching. Its not a bad thing, actually may just be the boost we need! Glad youre back!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
67 days is a big accomplishment. Back on the horse. :)