Hi, my name's Danielle & I'm an alcoholic. I have to say that again as I haven't been to a meeting since Thursday. I sometimes go on a Saturday & I often go to BB study on a Monday morning even if I've been working all night but didn't make it this week. I haven't been doing my spiritual exercise regularly for the last week or so (though I did have a truly powerful experience last time I did related to a specific Higher Power) & then tonight I usually do service at my women's home group but instead chose to stay home to get this Step 4 done.
I've been doing it in several blocks of 3hrs or so at a time & have managed to be fearless & thorough from the off. My problem is that I'm not doing it every single day but when I can, here & there. As some of you may know, my boyfriend has worked very hard with his program & concentrated on just that ever since he stopped & came into AA. After a year he's now practising a well balanced program, communicates with his HP & is now getting on with other things whilst also attending regular meetings. It's bittersweet to watch him for me right now as I can't help comparing myself (& putting myself down in the process).
I feel like crap right now & feel like I don't want to carry on doing this, like it's more hassle than it's worth. I don't want to look at myself like this & I want to give up & 'go home' i.e. stop trying to be/get sober. I'm scared that after I have finished 4&5etc I will simply just want to go out & get f*cked anyway in pure rebellion. Like, f*ck it.. what does it all matter anyhow..? I feel that the program isn't going to help me get to what I want anyway & that's 'to be normal, study & get qualified in a job I can contribute well with & get paid with financial security' I just wanted to grow up, learn some stuff & help people. I didn't know I was going to have to get sober & do these 12Steps to get anywhere.
I feel like a spider that's fallen into the bath getting into all of this AA stuff. It's like living in the Matrix where there's no going back once I've swallowed the pill. I didn't want to drink any more but I didn't know staying sober would have to be so hard. Where is me in all of this? Me didn't work before & this recovery is too much & too remote for me to achieve. I'm jealous & angry with my Boyf that I feel like the only way he'd even want to stay with me now is because I'm even attempting to have a program. There's a part of me that wants to push away & jack him in too so that I don't have the pressure to live upto anything.
I'm putting all these pressures on myself, I know. At 23mths sober this is still simply too hard, just for today & I want to escape & push it all away so that I can drink & be the person I thought I wanted to be before any of this happened. Sometimes I think that I was just a girl who got messed up with the wrong boy (my ex) & had to do some drastic stuff to recover from that (like get sober & grow up) I still often ask myself 'Wasn't there any other way I could have done this naturally? Is the program the only way I could do it?' I'm sick of the discipline & the structure & the trying to catch up with other people & be someone with sobriety worth listening to.. I'm sick of hardwork & looking at me. Esp my faults.
I couldn't feel my faults when I was drunk. None of this mattered. I thought I was great & justified & full of it. The program will work with someone like me because I do have all the alcoholic traits that I am priviliged to hear shared with me & I am far from perfect though I got off the slope relatively early. I wish there was some easier softer way that wouldn't lead to my killing myself. I couldn't be happy by myself before. I was a drunk on a hair trigger. I had moments of joys at being alive & sometimes I even liked/loved myself but I was lonely & I did struggle to relate & have things in common with others. Before I came into Fellowship, all I was was a bundle of hopes, dreams & potential. I was a child & though I had some very nice ideals I was still obviously immature & hadn't the confidence or determination to achieve alot of my dreams.
So, I don't know if & or how you can help me today. I don't want to give up. I do want to be able to just feel this pain & kick & scream awhile till it passes & the peace of knowing I'm doing the right thing returns. I don't want to drink today & I do want to reach & be grateful for two years sobriety. I even want to just be able to ask for help because we're all here for each other. I don't have to be perfect & two years doesn't prove anything. We're just here. Sober. For Today. And for 1 more Day I will do a little more homework & be glad of the task. I know it's worth it. I'm proud of each of you for sharing with me & showing me it's worth it. None of us need give up. I can't. We can. Let's. If any of you do have ES&H to share with me & help me through this process I will be grateful for it. Thankyou, Daniella x
__________________
Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Hi Danielle" My sweet girl! You are making this all to difficult! Get your step 4 and 5 DONE! It doesnt have to be perfect but by doing it, to the best of your ability today, you will be so glad you did! We do it, move on, and start working our program the way we did before we got obsessed with having done a perfect 4!!
I wish I could give you my homegroup friend "P"'s address so you could write her and see just what she feels like today! She too has a little over 2 years and is 22, and was right where you are today. She shared in a meeting last night that she had "used!" The pain, devestatiion and fear she expressed was too much for me to bear! And her! Of course we all supported her, their wasnt a dry eye in the room. I talked with her for about an hour after the meeting and the pain is so fresh..it truly scared the shit out of me that one so together could have a slip and to see what it has done to her! Bottom line, quit working her program!
My husband too "works a perfect program" at least in my eyes! He has WAY surpassed me in HIS journey. I have 10 months, he has just over a year. He is sponsoring someone and has joined the hospital committee! Me, Im on step 8! But thats his program, not mine! Mine works for me. Slow and steady and at first I thought my sponsor was dragging her feet b/c we werent making much progress! For me, I NEEDED to take it slow or be overwhelmed!
You are such a beautiful person, inside and out! Dont compare your program with anothers. You are sober today! One day at a time and of course TAKE IT EASY! You have grown alot in this program and I hate this one..."youre right where you need to be!!"
What works for me is going to meetings, working the steps at MY pace, and most of all having some fun with my new friends I have met outside the rooms! It doesnt have to always be such hard work. We had movie night and I walk 3 times a week with a friend. Getting to know people and them getting to know me! (New concept for this girl!) Having them love me and you know, today I do love myself, most days!!!lol
I have been where you are exactly! Dont take this program too seriously! Get 4-5 done and I can guarentee you wont want to go get f'd up! Share with your sponsor what you have done so far. You can always add to your list later. But, take the plunge, stop working so hard! Get rid of some of the junk so you can fill it with more positive things!
I care and love you so much! I am here if you need it! Lets celebrate your 2 years together!!!
__________________
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Gotta agree with lani, Hun. I'd say you're complicating it. Which is what I did and I've heard many others say the same thing.....My first 4th step was going to be about 50 pages long, doing it my way. Geesh. Then I finally just did it like it's outlined in the book, took 1 page and about an hour!
Get to more meetings, talk to your sponsor and just try to be still for a while.
It gets better, promise.
Love you! (((hugs)))
__________________
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Remember you and I share the same two years here my date is September 27, 2006.the terrible twos!!!I havent been to a meeting in a while, my life is pretty unmanageable still, my bank account is low, my house is a mess, but I have a working vehicle, a decent job with room for improvement, my family is safe and well, there are a few things that definitely need improvement Im lonely for my ex who is still out there I live with a roomate who is on his way to a his rock bottom.He was sober when we met but he has slowly returned to letting his disease run his life.I want out!There are so many things to gripe about I have moved six times since I got sober.I was financially ruined (by this same roomate) and still have to tolerate him everyday as I cant afford it.Hell, its depressing!However, on my very last binge, at the depths of despair, oh how, I remember that feeling.You know what Daniella?I have never felt that way yet.It is true.I was told that and that was my very first incentive to get sober.Its still true.Faith in HP is rough these days.I think we are faced with these challenges early in our sobriety for a reason, there all lessons to live by move on.Our stories sound the same, nightmare is not even close to the trauma and misery I went thru seven years ago.It was around 9/11 so thats a trigger for me.definitely PTS I was basically oppresed for 15 years in my marriage to a very good man.We produced a special needs child who was/is the love of our lives.However, the stress broke us and we never were very strong as a couple anywya.I drank to ease my pain and the rest is history.That is mild compared to wehre I lead my life at that point, after trauma, I just gave myself more trauma,Im sick!
So yes, to the a new way of living.Good bye to old crappy feelings of self worthlessness.I deserve better, and Ill get there hell, Im there now if I let it be.Its really my choice. I agree that you should finished up these steps soon.
I know you are hurting. I know it all seems pointless sometimes. The minute we cave in though, is the minute 'it' has won once again.
Your note starts with the despair you are feeling. But it really chronicles how far you have come. You recognize all of your faults. The jealousy, the anger, the hopelessness... and in the midst of a relationship, a little loneliness. I am also surmising that a lot of the stuff you wrote down came from a very thorough moral inventory. The fact in itself that you wrote down what a lot of people just never see or understand, shows your strength. It shows you 'get it'. Now you have to dump it. The expectations from all sides, the worry, the anger, all of it. It's all part of it
Don't compare yourself to your boyfriend. Like his good points you have yours. 1,217 of them for starters. I mean come on, that is a lot of posts. A lot of care, compassion and empathy goes into what you do here. You heard a flawless speaker ? Take it for what it is, nothing more, nothing less. I urge you to seek out what is said, the delivery is not the message. Ease up on yourself, even if it is just for today. And back things up. Can't do it for 1 day, try a half day. Try a couple of hours.
And then you begin to change and the real Daniella starts to peak out in paragraphs 5, 6 & 7. You said it yourself, "I don't want to give up". And if that isn't cause for rejoicing, I don't know what is. You could have very easily got all f#@&ed up last night, but you didn't. I am so proud of you. God does not expect you to be perfect, or rock solid 100% of the time. Let him deal with it. He's much better.
Remember that we all love you. We are here to support you. And we all want to see you succeed, for you are Daniella ! Have a great day !!!!!
__________________
I'm proud to say I am an Alcoholic, and my name is Scott.
If the plan for me is divinely inspired, no man shall find fault with where I am today, or how I got here.
Sorry hun, you don't get to give up. Remember when I first started posting here and I wanted to give up and throw in the towel? You rightly told me "no way," stop beating up on myself, and don't leave 5 minutes before the miracle. Well, now, I'm giving you back the same message (that's the way we do it; you might have to repeat it back to me again in the near future ).
What others have shared here is right: your 4th step does not have to be perfect; it won't be the last one you do anyway. Here's what works for me:
(1) sit down with paper, pen, and the Big Book opened to the 4th step directions; (2) pray that God reveal to me the things that are blocking me from God, myself and others; (3) start writing, working all the way down each column, not across; (4) don't erase, edit, cross-out anything, because my head tells me it's stupid (5) don't worry about punctuation or misspellings (6) don't struggle to try to dredge up memories that simply are not coming. (7) when finished through the sex conduct part of the inventory, call my sponsor immediately, tell her I've completed a 4th step, and set an appointment to do step 5.
One other thing I learned over 20 years ago: don't worry about step 5 when I'm doing step 4. When I focus on the fact that I will share the inventory with someone else, fear overwhelms me and I don't want to write. My very first sponsor told me: the power to take each next step will come after having completed the preceding step.
Thanks very much for all your recovery love, care & support, dear Sobervibers! I do feel alot better today. Yesterday & the days before were hard & they will be as I'm getting down to the causes & conditions of how I can allow myself to suffer but Step4 is showing me where I'm going wrong in my thinking & it's surprising just how trivial some of my motivations are. These will be good to let go of too.
I'm plugging away & I can remember again why I'm doing it & even have the hope that it will be better afterwards. Self pity is my default & even though I haven't always seen a way out of that I think all of this will help unless obviously I choose to struggle or feel that way until I ask for & become willing again for help. This time it was even good for me not to have any immediate help. I had to push through the pain & come out the other side. My boyfriend has been supportive & he hasn't babied me which has meant I've found another inner strength inside without depending too much on rescues. (This is new stuff for me). I can be brave & strong!
Knowing that I am my own resposibility yet not alone is really helping so thankyou for sharing with me how your Step4 has been for you too. It's all travelling & it's all good. The ironic thing is that when I get the joys of the program I really don't want or need to drink & that's a miracle. Keep on keeping on, my friends. I'm grateful a group of drunks got together & worked this program out. We're very lucky. God bless ~ Daniella x
__________________
Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
That will end the problem inside your head. Because once you have Step 4 done, then you will have to do step 5, and so on. You will not have time to beat yourself up or compare yourself to ANYONE. Try to keep it simple and just do what we are supposed to do. We don't need Freud or Jung or Einstein or anyone else to accomplish this, we just need the Big Book, and our sponsor, and a pen and paper. Keep It Simple, my friend!!!!!!
((((((hugs))))))
__________________
~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
So glad to hear you are feeling better! The miracles do happen my friend!!
I probably had the worst day of my career at work weds night! (not as bad as the guy who lost his life tho or the 5 patients we had that fell on the floor!!) But, at 8am it ended there for me!
Went for a walk in the park with my buddies, vented and moved on. Was tired as heck, took a rest then decided to go to one of my former patients funeral showing. SOOO glad I decided to go. It broke my heart that she lost (or won!!!) the battle she had been fighting. BUT..seeing her family, having her son give me the biggest smile and hug and singing the song I had made up for her just about burst my heart out of my chest!! I was definitely emotional...tired, sad, happy all rolled in to one!
BUT>>>> I never thought of drinking! Went to a great meeting and saw my friends and felt so blessed! I was so thankful to be where I was. Before, I would have had my little bottle of vodka to chug to hide the pain, fatigue I felt! All the shit that happened in that 24 hours would have been a great EXCUSE to drink my cares away! Today, by the grace, I stayed sober and felt glad I did!
__________________
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
gday dannielle, i used to be in the GROW programme in 1981 when i gave up the drugs, they had two sayings that i still use today, one was, go by what you know, and not how you feel. and feelings are like the weather, over here in australia, the weather is either overcast for 4 days which includes storms or and rain, or its fine for about 4 days before it clouds over again. so if your feeling down just wait for it to pass over, and if the stinkin thinkin starts you can tell yourself to shut up, and it works, just dont do it, lol, near a hospital or someone may lock you up. cheers peter.
).
