Hello Dods,

I don't have 30 days yet and am having a lot of the same thoughts as you - and I assume most newcomers do as well.

Where I am today:

What is this going to hurt?  Can I not drink for lets say....6 mos.?  I believe so.  Can I work the steps to see if it is for me?  I think so.  If it doesn't work out - then so be it.  I am taking this as an opportunity to learn something new.  And the focus can't be all that bad if it is about honesty, acceptance, and tolerance.  Those are good things.  So, if I walk away having learned how to be more of those things (and given my liver a little break) - good for me.  And if I come out of it loving the program and becoming and old timer - then that is good too.  But I don't want to quit now as that is all I would have done - is quit - instead of taking a good look at this offer in front of me and making an informed decision on my own.

And - everytime I think I want to take a drink I think about one of the many times I went overboard - blacked out - drove drunk - let my daughter see me drunk.  Even if I had only done that ONCE - which I didn't - I would NEVER want to do it again.  And I have NO gaurantee that I will not do that again - unless I don't pick up that first drink.

So here I am.  Today is today - and I am in the program today.  Tomorrow - we will see what happens.

Best of luck to you.

tlc

Wow Dods, what does Not drinking have to do with Not going to class? That just sounds silly.  These are two separate actions that are not dependent on each other. (Well staying sober a good deal of the time in order to have time to go to class and do your homework would be.)

Consider this, "normal drinkers" don't obsess about whether they can or cannot drink. They don't even think about it in terms any different than say like going to the movies. You wouldn't spend time obsessing about whether you can go to the movies several times a week without jeapodising your school, life, etc. And I don't think that you'd be missing school over going to/or not going to the movie theater.

That said, you're aparently placing a higher priority on drinking than you are your college studies right now.
I would examine this closely, as your future will be dramatically affected by the outcome. There's no future in regular drinking, whether you call it alcoholic drinking or not. The program says in the preamble "The only requirement is a desire to stop drinking". It doesn't say "to admit that my drinking is alcoholic...". All that discussion can wait.

Here's a great definition for addiction that I got from John Bradshaw- "An addiction is a pathological relationship (Love to/Have to) to a mood altering substance or event, that has life damaging consequences".

Apply that definition to your drinking and your college situation and see if it applies.

No matter what you do, Please take a piece of paper and write down what your career goal is that you're studying for. It might change, but pick something for now and work toward that goal. (very important, without a goal we won't work for long, there must be a payoff!) Once that's done, lay out the required courses that you need to complete (for that degree) and a time table (year by year probably with the help of a student counselor) and commit to it. Find some people to study with (so that you won't be sitting around alone thinking about going partying), in your clases and fill you time up with that. Sorry so long winded, but
you'll need to turn this around quickly.

Good luck,

Dean

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 15:46, 2008-09-08

tlcate- I have 67 days and it was relatively easy not to drink because I was fresh out of rehab and kind of scared straight...You are right having sober time is good no matter what and yes, the program guides you in more ways than just being sober. The program is a great resource no doubt and most of the people i have met in it have been incredibly selfless.

Doll- my sponsor has been saying that for a month

StPeteDean- I guess what i was saying was if im apparently incapable or unwilling to be a serious student while sober, then maybe I wrongfully blamed "alcoholism" for being the center of my problem before.

I cannot explain my maladjusted self :(

Ah well.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Dear Dods, Well Done in your 68 days! That's Great 1Day@aTime.. With you every step :) I can relate with you particularly with the school stuff & I'll share with you my take. First of all I'll point out in Step One where it says ~ "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol & our lives had become unmanageable". I've been learning so much about the implications of this since I came into the Program & I'm always listening for what it is in me that sets me apart from other drinkers & what I have to change.

For me, manageability can be applied to practically Everything, which means my work life, school life, family life, social life, financial life, romantic life & emotional life to name a few. One thing all of these have in common is Me & how I conduct myself in all of them. Alcohol is in the bottle. Alcoholism is in me. My reactions to things & alot of my behaviours will be motivated by my defects & selfishness in general. This is why Steps 4&5 are so crucial. I need to know what my underlying fears & defects are so that I can learn what to surrender so that they don't get in the way of me doing things.

I identify with a lack of commitment or rather the feelings of becoming overwhelmed you talked about. This alcoholic lacks the discipline & concentration it takes to get things done. I've been like that for many years. At least since seniors when my life changed & I experienced a sexual abuse which I thought led to the downturning of my life. Life at home had always been difficult with a drinking Dad, then a Step Dad who didn't like kids & a needy Mum throughout who wanted to be our friend but who I couldn't trust or rely upon as a mother.

I'm not giving this as a sob story but an example of how I can think. On the one hand, for all my life I thought these were the reasons I couldn't do well in life. I felt so sorry & grieving for myself. On the other hand, I know all that I experienced can of course have an impact & it probably has but as an alcoholic I can't afford to think like this any more. With the help of this program I'm opening my mind to the possibility that in fact I already had these traits that have held me back so long & are also the reasons why I drank. I couldn't cope with life. I lacked life skills & so would hide in drink hence not build up the stamina to develop all of where I lacked. Put this with the physical craving & you have your 3 fold illness.

My spiritual malady of always feeling less than or better than, of fear & self loathing, lonely & outside of, along with my thinking illness of resentment, self pity, victim at the whim of everyone else, my building up into readiness of escape whether that be to seek confidence in a bottle, of being someone I thought I wanted to be but had no control over once I was in that state & the phenomenon of wanting more & more.

I was in a big old loop & simply could not invest in myself whilst I was in it. I believe I was an accident waiting to happen before I took that first drink & the rest is history. I grew so much & then stopped, treading water for about 7 years until drink destroyed as much in me as I could possibly take at that time & I had to stop. I'm alcoholic as, I know from experience, I cannot stop by my own power. I could not manage my life while I was drinking. I could function but I got nothing done. I didn't develop as a person or learn how to study.

These are things that now, two years away from a drink are only now beginning to come to me. There has been a lot of damage done, ravagings from all the irresponsible decisions I've made in the past, of taking the easy way out, taking the softer option because I had no guts, strength or even self belief. I could never manage even self belief. Today, that kind of manageabilty is coming from a faith in that Higher Power that I'm being looked after if I put the right footwork in today. I'm not in charge of all the outcomes today. Only of what I put in with willingness & even this I can have to ask for on any given day.

When I first stopped drinking I thought it was simply alcohol that was the problem & that when I stopped everything would be ok. I soon (or later!) found out that my problem was actually me & that I needed to even relearn how to live & deal with life sober. Talk about baby's first steps. It's been like being reborn. In early sobriety I took a job in a women's refuge to prove to myself how well I was doing now & it was awful. So stressful. I had no emotional sobriety & the experience pummelled me everday. Of the 6mths trial period I was there I spent the whole time gripped in stress & fear. It was horrendous & slowed down the effort I could have been putting into my recovery.

If you're serious about getting sober Dods & you're willing to go to any lengths I'd say concentrate on getting your program right first. Work through your steps with a good sponsor & see who comes out the other side. My commitment to the steps now is like my first practice at committing & following something through with results to show for the hardwork. It's this concentration that I never learned before that is so good to take forward into the other things I want to do. AA says not to make any major decisions in your first year while you undergo these changes but they'll only come about if we do what's suggested.

I took my sweet time & feel I suffered longer than I've had to. Saying that, your journey is your journey & it takes as long as it takes. I know that how long we take can make a difference. My boyfriend nearly took his own life & had lost everything at the end of his drinking. He had a spiritual experience that helped him to stop & then a friend 12th Stepped him & took him through the steps in his first year. He now practices the full length of the steps & the tools they provide on a daily basis & he has a quality of life he can't believe. Wish I'd done that lol But, I didn't nearly die or lose everything so my pride, arrogance, stubborness & denial have loomed large for many months. I'm glad I'm being fearless & thorough with my Step 4 now. I need to take this long hard look at myself.

I suppose the moral of this over long share! is that I'm thinking a spiritual awakening will help clear all the wreckage of my past, free me from my old limiting beliefs & allow me the freedom to do today, that which I really want to do & not waste time doing things that really I don't want to. In response to you last question, you'll have to find out for yourself. Recovery is a voyage of self discovery & you'll get well as quick as you want to. It has taken me several & then some surrenders to find out that I really do want & need this program.

I've tried to step away from AA a few times wanting to do it on my own & I simply couldn't. I'm an alcoholic & for me, to drink is to die whether that be spiritually, mentally or eventually, physically. I can't afford it & I want a good quality of life, peace & happiness. I received much love & support from fellowship here while I've tested waters & this unconditional love & understanding kept me coming back too. It's good to know I'm not alone & it's also good to know there is a solution. All you need is an honest desire not to drink. That has been my most treasured possession at times. Everything else has followed with footwork & fellowship. Don't give up working for what you want, Adam. Wishing you the best. Please ask if there's anything I've not made clear or seem to have misunderstood. God bless, Daniella x

Hey Dods:

A couple of suggestions:

1. In the back of the Big Book, there are sections of Personal Stories of A.A. members. One of the sections is entitled "They Stopped In Time." These stories were added when the 3rd edition of the Big Book was published to reflect the stories of alcoholics who had "high bottoms." I considered myself a "high bottom" alcoholic when I first came (although my view of that changed over time).

2. If you have the book "The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" (also known as the "12 and 12"), read the chapter on Step One (this book is also available online if you don't have it). It describes the growth of the fellowship in terms of younger and younger people having joined A.A. over time, and refers to them as "scarcely potential alcoholics." But, it makes clear that they too can stay sober as members of A.A. by identifying with the stories of older A.A. members who can describe the earlier stages of their drinking and how the disease progressed.

Hope this helps.

dropping classes... and life-responsibilities in general... seems a good way to open up all your time to pursue drinking again. Think about it. Priorities. When drink is the number 1 priority there is a problem. But it is a question only you can answer for yourself.

Not everyone can handle big responsibilities right away in early sobriety. Lord knows I couldn't. But we gotta check those motives. If we drop our responsibilities in order to grow and build up some healthy life=tools, that is one thing. But if we drop stuff so we can drink, it is another.

I wish you well.