What's wrong with me? Why I can't I seem to do what I see countless others doing at every meeting? And these aren't exactly rocket scientists I'm talking about either...I'm talking about people who would have trouble cracking triple digit IQ scores. So why them and not me...how come they're able to wrap their little alcohol shriveled brains around this "simple program" but I'm not?
If I wasn't so damn good looking I'd blow my f**king head off
I just re-read this and realized that that I sounded like a whiny, arrogant prick...
oh the silly ways we cry out for help.
If anyone needs me I'll be down at the walmart buying a 12 gauge...screw this wasting away in drunkenness and self pity BS! I'm going out with a new paint job for the walls and my big toe jammed in the trigger...like a man
Maybe life's just a big joke. Maybe spiritual principles are boring & take too much concentration. Maybe I've simply never had a near death experience to teach me the value of what I've got. Or what I haven't.. like eternity. Maybe I think I'm a joke not even worth taking seriously. Maybe if I had to look at myself in any real seriousness I would truly have to change & damn that really would hurt. Maybe I'm enjoying what I have already & it's enough to be getting on with. Maybe I can't even imagine a life beyond or outside of what I've already had. Maybe, just, maybe, I'm scared of who I'd be if I wasn't me.
I had to change. I couldn't carry on the way I was going. I felt I would have led a life to despair & hopelessness & eventually I would have done something so deeply saddening as to take my own life. That was a fear on the horizon for me. My soul was sore & I felt lost & alone like the only one with visions but nowhere to shine them. My visions weren't enough to save my own life or get me sober. I had to keep coming to meetings & get some measure of humility which I didn't even know how to have & keep on letting go & letting go & letting go of all those old ideas that kept me bitching & complaining & moaning & crying & yes, not even taking myself seriously or even too seriously.
It's been the hardest thing for me to get honest with myself & I have to say, why would I have to change when I'm so damn perfect! If the world was the way I think it ought to be.. I wouldn't have to change.. Would I? Life is for living & I want everything I can possibly have that is meant for me. That means I have to learn who I am by my Step4 & see what ridiculous ideas have been motivating me for years so that I can expose myself for the outdated set of beliefs that have been making me up for some time & causing me pain, negativity & failure. I don't have to be all of my previous mistakes if I can stop making them. But, I need to know how I made them & Step 4 is helping me to do this.
Today, I am not who I was but who I am becoming. With the help & nurtured guidance of this Program & this Fellowship, that is true freedom for me & that is why I am here. To share, to learn, to grow & to live by inspiration & example. I don't want my past to be my future & if I kept on doing what I'd always done I'd always get what I'd always got. Everyday in Sobriety is new today & a building block on what I built yesterday. I know I couldn't be Sober physically, mentally or emotionally without the help if this program. Like CooncatBob says *Sometimes one has to Surrender in order to Win*
I wish you recovery love & luck in your work & steps towards sobriety, Mr Mc. Keep coming back. We are not alone. Godbless, Daniella x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Hey TM, I hope you're still here with us, because you said you're going to shoot your brains all over the place. Haven't you ever heard the saying: to kill youself is a PERMANENT solution to a temporary problem!!!
Nah! You don't 'suck' at it. You're just not ready, apparently. It's taken me 3 yrs to make it to 1 (IF I make it the next 2+ weeks) and today I really do believe that I had to go through every single relapse to get to where I am today.
For so long I had one foot nailed to the floor and was running in circles! Steps 4 & 5 were the hammer used to remove those nails.
Just keep trying and keep trying to learn from your mistakes. Change what you did and do something different.
Don't give up, please. You may not be unique, but you are so worth it.
(((hugs)))
-- Edited by Doll at 09:10, 2008-09-06
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hey tipsy... I just love you! I'll bet you are an awesome person with a tremendous sense of humor! I know you make me laugh! Good looking too!!! right!!!? Hang in there....You can get this!
It took me a while to get it too and my IQ HAS to be super high!!!!! lol Pray for the willingness...I love, Fake it till you make it! I didnt want to give up the crazyness that I let my life become! What fun would that be! Lose my drinking buddies, stop emabbrrassing myself. I would lose the real me! Boy was I wrong!!!! Life is good today and Im glad I gave ME a chance to become someone soooo much better! Thanks for reminding me what I do have today! I was sort of wondering what the heck was wrong with me!
-- Edited by lani at 08:43, 2008-09-06
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
What's wrong with me? Why I can't I seem to do what I see countless others doing at every meeting? And these aren't exactly rocket scientists I'm talking about either...I'm talking about people who would have trouble cracking triple digit IQ scores. So why them and not me...how come they're able to wrap their little alcohol shriveled brains around this "simple program" but I'm not?
If I wasn't so damn good looking I'd blow my f**king head off
I think you hit the nail on the head.
I have a friend back in my old home town.
He'd always say "I'm Joe and I'm a drunk"
He'd also say you can't be too dumb for AA.
But you can be too smart.
Smart people tend to over analize things. AA isn't something you can wrap your head around. It's something you feel deep inside. My former counselor used to say a person needs to make the 2 foot drop from their head to their heart. A drunks head's just going to get him into trouble. Good luck, Bob.
-- Edited by cooncatbob at 12:28, 2008-09-06
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Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
What's wrong with me? Why I can't I seem to do what I see countless others doing at every meeting? And these aren't exactly rocket scientists I'm talking about either...I'm talking about people who would have trouble cracking triple digit IQ scores. So why them and not me...how come they're able to wrap their little alcohol shriveled brains around this "simple program" but I'm not?
TM, this describes me to a tee, the first 2 years. Then something happened and I started attended a couple of 12 and 12 step meetings. I made them my home groups and went every week religiously for about 3 years. One was on monday at 5:30 pm to get my head straight for the week, and the other on Friday nite at 8:30 pm to get my head right for the weekend. That's reading thru the steps 8 times per year and 25 times over 3 years. It pounded in the fact that I was just a "garden variety drunk" no better, no worse .
TM- I'm right there with you dude. I have 2 months sober and after all the crap ive put myself through, i am sitting here as i type this and white-knuckling it, debating whether i am an alcoholic...hell, i might even go out for beer in the next 30 minutes (im serious)...ive been doing the AA thing for 6 damn months and I can't even own step 1???? so believe me your not alone and hopefully someday both of us will have serenety in our lives..
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It pounded in the fact that I was just a "garden variety drunk" no better, no worse 
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