Irritated with myself, to say the least! We headed down to Georgia for my mother's birthday party (82). Beautiful drive, great visit with the entire family, wonderful drive back. Hubby says to me "would you be mad if I picked up some beer?" "no, of course not, and I sure won't drink any!" I replied. No sooner had I gotten unpacked (telling myself I certainly did not need or want a beer, had eaten so much that I did not want to add even the 104 calories from a Coors Light, and I'd have to fess up to you guys and to my meeting tomorrow, that I didn't pick one up and drink it. Stupid stupid stupid. I went to a meeting Friday; felt strong and good, have talked with my higher being on a regular basis, felt content, no anxiety, no desire to drink....but I did. only that one beer, but WHY? Anyway, back to square one - there's still beer downstairs and we are having a small cookout this afternoon. None for me. (beer that is....) Pray for those enduring the hurricane and it's effects down on the coast! PJ
Hi PJ, It is not only a dis-ease but a habit. And habits are hard to break. We kind of automatically feel obligated to what has become a habit in our life. It can be anywhere from moving the tooth brushes in the bathroom and that we keep reaching for to the alchohol and because of the dis-ease we can really get stuck.
The word dis and ease means we are not at ease. It takes time and working on ourselves to get at ease and especially at functions. We tend to associate events and holidays with drinking alcohol.
I will suggest that you talk to your husband to make him see the seriousness of this for you and to stop asking if it is okay to bring booze around you. It is a triggering thing.
And whether your realize it or not you may be kind of angry at him for being able to drink right now. It takes time and it is still hard for people who are sober many years to deal their own sobriety being with a partner who drinks.
I feel you are very honest and it helps me a lot and I see how hard you are striving to be sober and not go back into the hell that alcohol brings to you. Keep up the great work.
I feel we have unresolved feelings and pain that keep coming into play when we get caught up in the feeling to drink. And the thing is it is not doing anything for us. But we do it anyway????
Lonely, tired and hungry does need to be watched but I feel angry should be in that equation also. Triggers!!! Resentment.......
PJ we are just not strong enough yet to allow ourselves to drink or be around triggers. No is a complete sentence and I feel it is a word needed when your husband asks you about drinking. I feel it makes you feel all alone when he does that. Our partners should be on our side when we are in trouble and it you may feel you are left to your own devices when he does that.
I can't answer your question of "Why" but here's my experience.
I know for this alcoholic, that the dis-ease is so cunning, it tells me 99% of the time not to drink, but then there's that little 1% in the background edging me on to do it, making me believe that it's ok, and when that happens, I have to remind myself that everytime I had a slip it would lead to another slip and eventually to heavier drinking and always a dead end.
for me it was sneaky, in that, like you, I might just drink one beer(thats what I liked the most), so one beer, one day, next week, two beers, next month up to 6 beers, by a year i was full blown again and in a terrible mess, emotionally, financially, spiritually.
I did this "continued research" off and on, for 10 years, until I hit my bottom. March 2007, I started going to meeting as much as i could, for me there are 3 meetings a week here, so I go to all, and come online here. Support and encouragement from one alcoholic to another is HOW it works. The rest is being honest with myself and others, staying open-minded and being willing.
Hope you do have a Happy Labour Day, don't beat yourself up, you are conscious and you sound willing. Deb
PJ- I don't know how it feels to relapse. I've got 8 weeks since my last drink and every day it feels like im toeing this presipice and even though I haven't taken that first drink yet, the diseased rationale has been working hard. What I gathered from your post PJ is that you are right back in your foxhole, determined right away to get back on track. I think it is crucial that you aren't swaddled with guilt. I think its great that you are pushing forward once again without too much pause. I wish you the best.
Thanks for all the input. I am afraid that I'm thinking I can drink like a normal person! ya know, one beer or one glass of wine (or even two!) from time to time! How many times have I thought this, and did just this for a while...until something triggered an escalation in the amounts and there I was again, shaking, sweating, not sleeping, and drinking in the morning so I could apply my makeup and type and work to some degree without shaking so bad! I'm talking to myself here. Yes, I'll have to tell the hubby NO, don't bring it in the house; yes, I feel silly and out of the swing of things when he's getting a little bit of a buzz, and relaxing and enjoying and talking blah blah blah....and I'm either sipping coffee or my diet pepsi/coke/ whatever.... I guess that's it. I'm not beating myself up; I am reading some of the Big Book between some cleaning and organizing around this place! Enjoying the day but still feel so "unclean" having had that pointless beer.
Good for you! Don't! The longer you have sobriety days, the more you have to lose in your start over count! So far I haven't done more than 8 or so days before I have that "one" sip, guzzle, whatever...Nothing drastic and no binges, but still, it makes you feel so yucky inside and weak! You stay away from triggers and keep up the good work! You inspire me!
Hi PJ, This stuff just gets to us and we do not take measures to stop it. I know once I get to the full BUD (build up to drink) that I get caught up and go for it. And all that happens is that I can take a beer here and there for a couple of times but then more and more.
If you look at the guzzle and then the beer you have already gone further. And when you use words like "nothing drastic" it is a way to set your self up by minimizing. You are telling yourself it is not that bad.
But it really is because it is playing with fire. I am in a rut and even though I reached out and got all this support I am feeling very lonely and tired. I am sick of my rut and not taking stronger measures to get myself going on doing things outside of my "box."
I have to shake myself and go further than my normal taking care of my home and business and get going on things I want to do. Instead of sitting here dreaming about it.
Action is what I need to put into place. I know when I get going on things to feel better it helps and also to stop when that ache hits of the breakup of the relationship and to bear with it and look at my feelings in a much deeper way.
And rest.......that means my mind and body. I need to get past that terrible need to check out or relax with poison. Instead of with all that serenity I have felt so much of when I work the program and apply it.
When I am hungover I long for that serenity back and know how good that is but at some point of my days I get that stupid feeling to check out or have just one. And even the just one does not work and I know that.
Rosie, you are so right! "Nothing drastic" means I'm thinking it isn't all that bad! It is bad, and it's the demon's way of sneaking up on me as it has again and again. I cannot drink like normal people; I can't drink at all. I will start my count over again; today being day ONE; I will not be able to make a meeting tomorrow due to a work meeting at the same time, and I cannot drive after dark (yet) with my eye problem, so I will read the big book and read this forum lots. I, too, love the serenity and the progress I've made! And the sound, healing sleep! Glad the wedding was beautiful. I enjoyed my family in Georgia; my cute young nephews, one just starting his freshmen year of college; one in his first high school golf tournament, one playing 7th grade football and thinking he's such a "hunk" now! They are beautiful! soooo young! and great kids. I was so glad I could enjoy myself with every member of my family, and looked fairly decent too! None of that hangover look! ugh!!! Love your posts! They inspire me!
Hi PJ I am glad you also got to enjoy your family. It is so important.
The hangover look is very familiar to me. I know if I look at people who are drinking during and the next day etc and over a period of time they look dragged out and old. And when they get sober they look so much younger.
Go figure
Intervention is a prime example of what people look like and act like with no serenity and just plain out of touch with themselves and others. And of course their higher power. What a difference months later and after they have worked on their sobriety.
I like that show to show me how much better I can feel and be in the world.
When I was 13 days sober this past time I went to my Mom and Step Dads and then to my sister and her husbands house with my parents and they all said how good I looked. And then on day 15 I drank again and the next two days I looked like hell. And felt like it. Stupid stupid stupid
I feel so much at peace and I need to practice all I am learning now to keep myself at peace but even if I do not feel that great it is par for the course in getting sober.
I hope you can tell your husband to cool the asking and just do not bring booze into your home or anywhere near you. He should understand this. And also if he is not an alcoholic he can do without it for however long it takes for you to get sober without you feeling let down by him when he uses. You basically need to do this yourself but he should be more supportive. This is very serious.
This is a family affair when a partner has the dis-ease. Like someone smoking around a person with lung cancer. It kills. God bless you both and you inspire me also PJ. Rosie
I sure get what you're saying about my husband. I know I have to do this non-drinking, but I also know on both of these "relapse" things, I had not thought of drinking and had made not attempt to obtain such demon items as beer/wine.
It was just THERE, and would not have been had he not brought it in...but even so, I should not have to take a sip (or have one beer). It is almost like I'm trying to prove to myself (again) that I can drink like a normal person. (which we know I can't).I did not continue to drink wine nor did I want another beer or have another, and I did not get any kind of "high" from it, nor had any hang over. But - I've been down that path again and again, and even if it didn't happen for months, it would eventually. I've wasted way too much time (enough to make me cry) throughout my life because of this poison and WILL NOT allow it to continue.
I am going to start working on the steps; have you done the steps before??
Hi PJ, Yes I have done the steps a few times. I am sticking with Step 1 and feeling all of it big time for now. Step 1 is always a good one to keep reflecting on even if a person has been sober for awhile and done all of the steps.
When I was sober for long periods of time I would always reflect on step one.
Right now I really need to keep the memory of how bad I feel when I drink and all the bad that it brings into my life and being. It is strange that I would drink now that it does not do a thing for me.
I remember beer tasting good to take the initial drink of it but now it does not even do that. And I get a sick feeling of fear as I start to drink and then the next day the fears are huge and the anxiety is horrifying.
It is too much to handle now for me. I have such a wonderful life without that and I am at a point of being able to be in peace and my twilight years here after going through so much in my life.
This is the time that I do not have to prove anything and I have been there and done that type stuff to where I do not have to experience things I felt I should because that is what society expected at certain ages for women.
I have earned this point in my life and to put that crap in my body is just plain stupid.
I hope you can talk to your husband and tell him no more with the asking or if he does you will be able to tell him that it is a serious matter for you and you need more support than that. For better or worse right?
Hi, when I was just 4 days sober an old drinking acquantance of mine turned up here in a bad way. She was very very drunk and had had a fight with her boyfriend. She brought 3 bottles of the wine that was my favourite at the time. I remember the illness telling me "go on, drink them, you can start again tomorrow and nobody need know.
I dont know where my strength came from but I took her and her wine back home to the next street and left them to it as she was worse than he was for fighting in drink and it wasnt my place to be involved.
I do know however, if the wine had stayed in my home any longer, because of the stinking thinking, I may just have drank it.
People, places and things are so so dangerous for us. I agree with Rosie, you need to speak to hubby and say "no" when he asks about bringing booz into your home.
Even now, I am 9 months tomorrow and I refuse to have it in my home.
we never know when that moment of weakness is going to occur. that test can come at the best or worst possible moment, and only the strength of our daily spiritual condition and our proximity to a drink, will determine the outcome. stick with your routines, and stay away from the people, places, and things that you drank with/at/over.
I posted this message to 'surfergirl' a few threads back. I think it is appropriate to bring it up here again:
I have seen alcoholics succeed where there was a co-dependant involved, but only when the co-dependant was as totally committed to the program as the alcoholic.
You and your husband will learn together in counselling what a co-dependant will do to TRULY support the recovery of their partner, and what they may do (even subconciously) to sabotage them. Once you both understand as much about Co-D behaviour as you do about A behaviour, then he (and YOU) will also know if (and when) he is supporting or sabotaging.
As you each learn and grow through this, you will understand if someone in your AA or Alanon group warns either of you about the 'land mines' each of you may lay in each other's path, it is because they hope each of you will be able to spot them before stepping on one.
I wish you both blessings and good luck through this new learning experience together. (You will find Co-D's are quite often as resistant to change as A's!)
I'm new here today...not to AA but to the forum. I have had a few relapses in the 9 months that I have been a member of AA. I too find that it's generally at a time when I feel really good, confident, etc. My boyfriend of 4+ years still drinks, not often, but certainly is a binge drinker when he does. Of course not to the extent that I did but we're both young and that's how most people our age drink.
He's asked me on several occasions if he minds if he has alcohol in the house. I said, as long as it's just beer...no. Because while I did enjoy it, that was never my thing. So he has had it in the house before, and I didn't drink it. But I did find that if it was there, I was MUCH more likely to obsess about it. And while I wouldn't drink his beer...because I said I wouldn't...I have on more than one occassion gone out to get my own alcohol.
Clearly, not his fault. But I wanted so badly to afford him as much "normalcy" as possible, that I said I was fine with him drinking. I do believe that he should be able to, this is not his disease. But we have come to the point now where he has agreed that for now, until I feel stronger and until I can get some long term sobriety under my belt...he will not bring it back to the house. This doesn't mean he can't drink, that he can't go out or anything like that. It just doesn't make sense to have a 24 pack of beer sitting in the fridge when I'm an alcoholic...and one that has had more than one relapse at that.
I totally get why you want to be okay with your husband having beer in the house. And honestly, I mean it when I say it to my bf and I feel confident that it won't be a problem. But inevitably it is. And even if it's not, the potential to let it be is just not worth it in our early sobriety.
It sounds like he loves you and wants to support you. For me it's just that I feel so guilty about things in our past that I almost play the martyr when it comes to this. Like I can put my feelings, my guilt, my obsession, my disease, aside because I want to appear normal. But appearing normal and being healthy and happy are two totally different things. And I have to believe that your husband would prefer a happy and healthy wife than anything else!
only that one beer, but WHY?
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