First let me say this. I am neither an alcoholic or drug user. I was in a relationship with someone that has fought these addictions most of his life. Usually he lost the fight though. We are both in our 30's. Our relationship ended about 6 months ago because of reasons not directly related to his addictions. Since our break up, we have continued our friendship. Our friendship is good, we consider one another to be 'best friends' although we never discuss our dating situation. Too hard for me to do that because our relationship was so intense we talked about marriage for years.
To make a long story short, he was arrested for DUI a while back, put in a detox and shipped across the country to rehab. He calls me every day to let me know how he is doing. So far he seems 'ok'. Like he is making progress. Thank GOD!
Anyway, his counsellor at rehab wants to talk to me and I am afraid to call her for reasons I cant really explain because I dont know myself why I am afraid. My question is: Is this a normal thing? Do counsellors at rehab facilities usually ask to speak with the addicts friends? I can understand her talking to his family, but she specifically wants to speak with me.
I have been active in Alanon since the very beginning of our relationship and have made great progress myself. I dont know if my speaking with the counsellor is a wise idea. My gut says no, but my heart says yes.
Please give me your input on whether I should make the call or just continue speaking solely to him.
Just my two cents: I think the question you've posed is a difficult one that is best discussed with a sponsor. You say that you feel uncomfortable with the call, but you haven't been able figure out why. when I'm in such a situation -- with anything -- I generally do three things (in this order): (1) pray; (2) write in my journal to try to get some clarity; and (3) discuss what I've written with my sponsor. somehow, using all three of these tools, I seem to get to the best answer. If you have an Al-Anon sponsor, I'd give your sponsor a call, and if you don't, perhaps you can reach out to one of the Al-Anon members you know. Hope this helps.
I've never heard of rehab counselors wanting to talk to 'friends'. Family - yes. Sig. others - yes. I think Pete is right - The way you described the relationship, it does sound as if he's eluded to you being the sig. other.
I say, call the counselor. If for no other reason then to set the record straight about the role you play in this man's life.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
a counselor in a rehab usually has had plenty of experience with all the con games that clients pose to them in all sorts of different ways, depending on how long they have been working in such an establishment. i wouldnt be to worried as you can ring the founder of the rehab and theres always one, to verify your concerns and nip every thing in the bud in a short space of time. its the the same as ringing the headmaster of a school to get an assesment of how our children are going instead of waiting for the school term report.
Welcome to MIP, Kaitlyn. The only experience I have of rehabs is in an excellent novel I can't remember the name of now but will post later. In this, it described the practice of contacting family or significant others who could be questioned as to the reality of the addiction being active in the 'inmates' life to help break through any layers of denial that person might have & to help in the perspective of the professional staff who are supporting them. They are savvy when it comes to how addicts/alcoholics defences will work & these need to be broken down so that the addict/alcoholic can learn where their thinking is letting them down & get honest with themselves so that they can change.
You've stayed close thus far & you're not obliged to go & share anything. I also imagine it wouldn't be you who would be in any question though I don't know how well they'll be able to keep that boundary if you want to keep your privacy. I suppose the thought that struck me was to ask how willing you are to continue in being such a close part in his life & how much more do you want to remain involved? Are you having thoughts of moving on or are you simply apprehensive as to what you'll be asked & expected of? BGG has given good suggestions & I hope you gain a little of what you're looking for in coming here. Goodluck & Godbless, Daniella x
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Doll wrote:I say, call the counselor. If for no other reason then to set the record straight about the role you play in this man's life.
Called her on Saturday and sure enough, he has told her that we are dating, blah blah blah. I had no choice but to set her straight and told her that him and I are just very very good friends. I told her that we had a very serious relationship for several years, but recently I had to walk away from the romantic relationship and now what we have is simply a friendship. She seemed shocked so to say. Being a counsellor and all I would have thought she'd have more to say than "hmmm, ok, well"
It gets better than him telling his counsellor that him and I are dating, he told his counsellor that we have been together (longer than we have) and that I am "The Woman". Said that he has every intention of marrying me. News to me since we are no longer dating in my book.
I wanted to call him all weekend after I spoke with her, but I didnt. I enjoyed the long holiday weekend at the beach with friends.
Tomorrow I am going to give him a call. WTF is he thinking?? One of the main reasons I walked away from our dating relationship was because he became emotionally unable to express affection towards me. Sure he had a lot going on, but hey, I have needs also! Its not like I am some slump of a woman. Not to pat myself on the back, but I look pretty darn good for my age. Oh well, it was his loss.
It's the want what you can't have, don't want what you can thing. It's hard to break that when you have no self esteem (him). If I think that I'm a piece of **** and someone I'm dating thinks highly of me, then there must be something wrong with them. And I'm not to going to accept their love under any condition except them leaving me lol. You try and tell someone like that that they have to learn to love themselves before they can love anyone else and the eyes just glaze over. I know, I was that guy.
Called her on Saturday and sure enough, he has told her that we are dating, blah blah blah.
Yes, St. Pete Dean, you hit the nail on the head. This reminds me of when I was in treatment in 1986. My ex-boyfriend had broken up with me over a year before I went into treatment, and yet, I remained under the delusion somehow that we were still together (or soon would be) since we talked from time to time. Held onto that denial well into my first year sober, till my sponsor made me "wake up and smell the coffee."
Held onto that denial well into my first year sober, till my sponsor made me "wake up and smell the coffee." 