Hi all, I was talking to one of my sisters today and she was talking about how she was asked by her oldest daughter of 23 yr old for help in a place to live and she has no job and would be on probation for heroine possession. My sister just got herself settled after a very rough year herself.
And is trying to stay sober. I told her not to allow guilt to push her into a decision that would end up being detrimental to herself and I feel to her daughter because she is not ready to help anyone but herself right now.
As we were talking at first she said she has no guilt now over her kids but then as we talked she said that guilt had come into play in saying she would take her daughter in.
I know for me for a long time I would say I had no guilt but it was coming into play for me in decisions I made to help or not with my sons. But as time went on I realized it did come into play.
So I decided to manage the guilt and not say I did not have it. So in managing my guilt I can work with it. And it tells me what is going on with myself and why.
And it gives me great insight into myself and my failings and what I have done that creates that guilt. And also, though, it helps me to see if it is as bad as I keep imagining.
Also it helps me to see why I allow people to run me. Guilt can be there and I do not know it. I feel free when I do this and it helps me as I deal with my life and loved ones.
gday rosie in the future you wont have to manage guilt any more the way that you do as the steps have a better way of dealing with stuff that us humans grapple with all our lives. i would say without a doubt that everyone alive on this planet today ,addicted to something or not . would benefit from the 12 steps however thats not likely to happen. when you get up to about step 10 so to speak you will have a whole new way of life. cheers peter.
I always ran on guilt when it came to my son. I spent a lot of my time in recovery playing the 'What If' game. What if I weren't an alcoholic, would my son still be a drug addict? What if I'd stayed married to his father, would my son have made better choices. And on and on and on. Somehow by working the program of AA that guilt has subsided quite a bit. I won't say it's completely gone, but it's not in my face all the time anymore. For a while I wondered just how all of this was happening. Then I came to the conclusion that AA works if I work it, end of story.
I found out the other day that my son has left rehab & is back with the drug addicted g/f. It hurt for sure, but today I do not dwell on it. Today I take care of ME. It will be just a matter of time before the phone rings and he'll have some long elaborate lie about why he needs $20. Because of AA I'm prepared and I have learned that "NO" is a complete sentence.
One thing your sister needs to know, she didn't cause her daughter to make the choices she's made nor could / can she control it. Therefore, her best defense against any type of guilt is taking care of herself first and foremost. And please tell her someone who thinks you're special said, "NO is a complete sentence."
-- Edited by Doll at 19:55, 2008-08-23
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hi Doll, I have been using that for about a month now. The NO being a complete sentence! It helps so much to not feel I have to explain myself to people who want to use and abuse me.
And my sister will like the NO being a complete sentence. I need to tell her that. It just makes things so much simpler.
I always had this thing that I had to explain to people why I did not want to be used????!!! And I envied people who had an air that no one could look at them cross eyed. But through the years I developed a way about me that I had respect for myself and something that said NO.
In the last eight yrs I got weak from my self esteem being erroded due to that abusive relationship and I fell into feeling obligated to people due to guilt over living with someone who was sick and abusive. That is over now. And it feels good that I do not allow the guilt now.
And therefore it is easier to say no and not feel bad.
I am sorry about your son. All we can do is be there for our children. I have two sons who are not alcoholic or addicts at all and my middle son has problems with it. All I can do is be there and love him.
I feel we do more for them if we just stand back and take care of ourselves. Lead by example.....
LOL I thought you said "Quilt" instead of "Guilt!!!"
But thinking about it, we are building a new Quilt as we let go of GUILT!! The tools and the new friends we have today are being weaved, or quilted into a new life for ourselves.. And what a beautiful piece of work that is becoming! No more shredded corners or stains!!!!
.....lol
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Hi Lani, I like your analogy!! It is so true. Weaving a new life......
I am feeling very blessed this Sunday morning. As I get sober I have desires to do things that are so simple but seemed so hard when I drank. That means getting rid of things and acquiring new.
I went to the store yesterday to get frames for some photos and new sheets. I went to the household section and thought how I want to tear my room apart and paint it plus remodel and put up new things to make it look nicer. I feel the energy to do that and also to do many things that are pleasant and that helps me to feel content.
Contentment is so important. That is one reason guilt has no room in my life.
