Having a tough weekend so far, I am trying to surrender, accept about how powerless i am to people places and things, Right now, I am focusing on a past relationship that I need to let go of. Part of me keeps hanging on when I know that i have no power. I don't know how to. I am praying to God for help and I still feel the same way. I know the relationship is over, but I miss him. I know I need to focus on myself but that's even hard for me. It seems impossible today. I feel so lonely an keep thinking about the good times we had together.
Seems insane because he was using the entire time we were together. I should be over him and all these feeling came back today and it scares me. I dont want to feel sad and miss someone that is still using and dying everyday.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to really surrender that you are powerless deep down in you guts without the diease telling you there must be something you can do to help him and get back with him. I hate this
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With God all things are possible. God Bless all of you
Hi Sharon, Please forgive me for over stepping my bounds here, but I think there is more than what you mentioned. I think that there are other issues from your past or childhood that make you look to a partner to "make you happy" or "fulfill" you. It isn't going to happen. It makes me wonder also how available your father was and if he was emotionally distant from you?
Sharon, each time that you go back to him or get involved with him, it's not him now that's hurting you, it's you. You have become your own emotional abuser. (I read back to some of your posts from last year.)
You are right, the insanity would be to think that a relationship soaked in alcohol or drugs would bring anything but misery eventually, if not sooner.
How much time have you spent getting to know yourself? Oh, I don't mean by you saying, I've been with me all my life....but you can't truly LOVE yourself if you're even considering going back into a painfilled situation?
Before you think I'm being cold and uncaring, let me say that I do undersatnd what you're going through. I was still married in December of 07. I found out within three weeks that my husband was drinking, drugging and chasing women. At first, my instinct said I could help him. Here, let me try to fix it. Well, it took me three weeks to realize he didn't want help and I ended the marriage and filed for divorce. No one can change someone else, no matter how much we want it for them.
Now, I'm glad I left. I love myself too much today to put up with unacceptable behavior. But, it was a growing process.
How much time do you have in sobriety/clean time Sharon? Have you worked the steps?
Please keep us posted as to how you are and know that you are worth more. We will love you until you can love yourself. There is a good and a happy life out there with your name on it. You just have to stop going back to a life of hell so you can find it.
Love & Hugs, Stephanie
-- Edited by Returned_Here at 14:25, 2008-08-23
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Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day. I love you. ~ GOD *****
Hi Sharon, I am so sorry for you and how you feel. I understand it so well to lose someone to something that does not make sense.
You have lost someone you love and you are going to mourn. Today is part of that mourning process. You may want to look up the grief process and read about that. I did as part of my process and it helped.
I got angry and did all of the things in that process. It hit me hard and I did not say I was over it until now and I am not totally over it but by the grace of my higher power this past 12 days and reading plus knowing I cannot do a thing about losing him to his addiction that now I can feel a lot of peace and let him go.
And in all of it I realize if he really wanted me he would have done something to be with me. I see many addicts do whatever it takes to be with the ones they love and to make amends for the pained caused due to their addictions.
My ex chose not to. And your ex is chosing not to right now. And you may have to accept he may never be with you again the way you want and to take your life off hold for him.
I know it is plain and simply up to me to stop the madness over him inside of me and to take back my life. Instead of waiting for him to magically change, knock on my door and swoop me off my feet with all kinds of vows and proof he loves me and has changed.
It is fantasy to think and feel that way. It is what it is. But it took a lot of painful days of missing him, hating what he has done and his addiction and HIM for leaving instead of changing, self searching inside of me, remembering the painful abusive times, getting over what I want as opposed to what I got and am getting.
It is a process and you are in it now. If you want to feel different it will have to come from inside of you. God bless you Sharon there is no easy answer to any of this.
It is your life sweet girl. Make the most of it and let him make it. Because you are not making it right now and life is too precious to waste on someone who wants other things. It is a choice he makes. Rosie
You're grieving, Hun. And even though he is an alcoholic/addict and you are better off without him, it's still a loss and it is still sad and heartbreaking.
I recently ended a 5 yr relationship with a man who is not an addict/alcoholic. He is a good man, but it was not the type of relationship I want anymore, so I did what was best for me. One of the hardest things I've ever done. But I believe that when God closes one door he opens another, better, one. I, too, am grieving my loss. Just hang on, and feel what you're feeling, it's OK to do that, but be sure to take care of yourself in the process, you are the most important one.
The five stages of grief are:
1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hi Sharon, I looked at your profile and it says addict. Do you get help for that? I realize that treating my alcoholism helps me to deal better with why I am like I am dealing with my ex. It helps me to let him go so much more now that I am treating my alcoholism.
Even if you do not use you may still need to treat your addictive personality. You may have taken on an addiction to the relationship and him. And can not feel well until you look at yourself and your way of being.
And if you are using you will not be able to get over this man. I know for me I would miss my ex more when I was hungover or at certain points of drinking. But when that cleared up I felt different.
You say you are here and feel at home. That may because you need to treat your own addiction and not just as a coaddict of someone who uses. That may be why Alanon does not work for you.
I know for me I was going on sex addiction sites but could not quite feel right for me in myself. Yes it helped me see his behavior and to get relief that I was not the only one to suffer due to my partner be a sex addict.
But it did not help me for me. When I signed on here I felt at home and immediatel started to get better.
I know I cannot keep blaming my ex for how I feel. Yes what he did was wrong but if I keep focusing on him and not feeling well then I am not taking responsibility for my own shortcomings and that I am an alcoholic or for my own well being.
God bless you sweet girl. I know you want to figure this out and I hope I can help you to see things and if I am wrong I am sorry. Rosie
Im sure its sad and lonely but filling ourselves with the bad, just to have "something" , hurts us in the long run. My little brother had it right...He said, "something was missing in my life. I tried to fill that empty space with booze, drugs, bad relationships just to feel loved or complete. Not until I filled that hole, "God hole", with a higher power and positive things in my life, was I ever able to heal or feel loved!"
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Hi Sharon, I hope you are doing better today. Weekends are hard but we can make the most of them with allowing ourselves to be quiet and doing things to self care. Have a great Sunday dear soul. Rosie
Today was very important for my recovery, I feel that i have worked thru on some of the stuff that has kept me moving on from my past relationship.
He was the first guy that needed me as much as I needed him. he wanted to spend time with me and showed me alot of attention, which i have never gotten before from a man. I never got the attention i needed from my father and am still looking for it in my relationship. My ex- husband never showed me any affection and never wanted to spend any time with me, so when this guy showed up and affection and attention, i jumped in with both feet.
My sponsor and I talked all day about how i have not been able to let go of this guy, now it makes sense. it's not about him, it's about me, needing to have a male love me and show me. He was the first guy in my life that treated my special and wanted to spend time with me.
Still learning and about all of this childhood stuff, but i feel like iam moving in the right direction. i even feel better about moving on. it doesn't hurt so much.
my heart breaks for him because he is still using and i am afraid that he may die from this diease, but i am learing to surrender, accept and know that i am powerless. Thanks for letting me share.
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With God all things are possible. God Bless all of you
Hi Sharon, I knew that this weekend you would find some answers. It is the pain that helps break the shell of our understanding. I feel now you have a greater understanding and the fact that you are realizing what your part is in your own pain helps you to take back your own power and control.
Isn't it great to know we have the answers in us and the power is sitting there waiting for us to use it. And then we can control all the pain we feel and to obtain all the joys and greatness life has to offer in all ways.
I am so happy to read your post. You are on your way to peace and all you deserve in life. That is a huge break through. And then you can let go of your ex without feeling so awful.
Yes, I do feel much better today, Knowing that it's about me, not him seems to have helped. It will probably always hurt that he's killing himself. I think at a fast pace. I still have to remember that i am powerless over people, places, and things.
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With God all things are possible. God Bless all of you
Hi Sharon, I know for me when I concentrate on others problems I do not have to face my own. Because then I would have to work on changing them. It seems easier to tell or think of how others should change theirs than to change our own.
But I realize it is soooooo much easier to change my stuff and also I gain power and control over it all and feel at peace and I realize also that worrying about other peoples stuff is very tiring. And can get very boring.
The peace I have is wonderful not to feel the need to fix, change and take on my exs addiction or his way of being in the world. Or anyone elses for that matter.
Detach and self care are the name of the game. I know when I get antsy about others stuff it is time to look at what I need to do for somethings I need to fix or take care of.
You are coming along and you will find the peace. Keep up the great work. Rosie
I really appreicate your comments. i realize that you are correct,,,, I need to start taking care of myself. Very hard to do. not sure how. working on it. I guess just getting on this forum and sharing is taking care of me.
Still struggling... I still want to help my ex. I won't because he doesn't want me to help. I think he's dating someone else. I watch Intervention last night too. the guy reminded me of my ex. If he didn't work, he would probably drink all day too. Very sad to watch. He has such a lovely daughter... the end of the program he did get sober. He wrote a song about his daughter. It was so beautiful..... he was a totally different guy. Looked so much better too.
It hard for me not to help someone that is killing himself. All i can do is pray for him. I will continue to try and take care of myself, whatever that looks like.
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With God all things are possible. God Bless all of you
When something is dead it has to be buried. The grieving process is hard and because your ex is not "dead" the relationship sounds like it is. It is hard to accept.
I myself have been feeling free in the last two weeks after a ton of pain and torment and missing him. Wanting to do something to fix this. I hope he would see his addiction and what it did to our relationship.
But he is not going to.
It is over.
I sense what makes it hard for you that because of a senseless addiction/alcoholism that you cannot be together. But he is also part of that addition/alcoholism and has a mind of his own. And it looks that for him he is done with the relationship.
The same with my ex. I feel he brought in something to our relationship and tortured me with it and that it came between us and created all kinds of hell for me and us as a couple.
I reacted at the end by giving up and drinking. Yes I could have made a different choice. But I could not cope with his addiction and abuse.
My ex blamed me for not being able to get over his abuse and his vile torture of me due to his stuff.
For some reason I know all this but I still felt a need to fix me and him.
I had to give up on that in order to get free and to start to work on me and take responsibility for me and my own actions that contributed to the break up. All very hard.
And even after almost six months I am still having a hard time at times. I hope you can get to a full place of peace. It sounds like you really love him. God bless Rosie
