I got pretty tied up today, I had a phone call from one of my older brothers dealing with an issue involving our family inheritance and the combination of family and money has long been a trigger point of trouble for me. At least, today when I started to get argumentative and agitated I didn't go on, I stopped much sooner than I would have a couple of years ago. I didn't yell or fight, I ended the conversation. I recognized that I was feeling "uptight" because I was not "in control" of the the situation and had no control over it. I continue to be reminded that I have no control over others. When these challenging conversations come up it is my opportunity to practice peaceful communication. In order to improve my relationships with others I must continue to detach with love.
Exercise always helps me in situations like this, so off to the beach I went, it was cloudy and I was confused about going, worried I might get rained out, but I went ANYWAY. Thank God I went, because I had started to obsess about the phone conversation and senerios to do with my inheritance. I got on the the beach and walked hard and fast, still obsessing..............walked more, tried to shake it, turned around, heading back, and just couldn't take it, anymore, so I SCREAMED outloud, scolding at myself, STOP OBSESSING! and then I let out a series of odd sounding noises, over and over I pulled the noises from deep within ........I screamed the noises out of me.....then the tears, they flowed long and heavy, ten minutes worth. As the tears flowed from my eyes, I walked waist deep in the rolling surf and let the ocean caress my legs, as my wounded spirit released the waters of frustration from inside me. I heard myself comfort me, I heard myself say, "you have been doing such a good job, Deb, Hang in there, it's alot, life, but you aren't alone, don't believe that old lie, Love yourself. Remember your AA family is your family, these are the people who love you, care about you, understand you. Don't let your blood family trigger you into the bottle or the drugs, those are old excuses, you are sober now. You are doing such a good job, Deb, just let the tears out, do it for today, scream, release, cry, release, love yourself, release, hug yourself, you are doing an amazing job."
I think this may have been the first time that I have consciously parented myself, in a kind and comforting way. And as I was doing it, I knew something big was happening. I had the thought ok, this is different, this is what I need to practice and remember so that the next time I attract a romantic relationship I won't expect my lover to be my parent. WOW, consciousness, soberity, miracles do happen.
Hi Deb, I love your sharing. It is amazing how you self cared for yourself. And so healthy. Going to the core of yourself like that will give you so much strength in the long run as you deal with the same problem that triggered you.
You will have peace in all of it. Your story is really striking me so nicely. Very beautiful. God bless you sweet girl. Rosie
Wonderful share! Thank you for sharing so wholeheartledly! Im sure its hard dealing with all of this right now but you have the right idea! Let it go. It is out of your hands. Take care of you! Hope today is a better day!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
thanks for letting me share, I am doing much better today and appreciate the encouragement and support. I slept really well last night.
After all the releasing yesterday and a good sleep last night I realized why I had gotten so angry during the conversation with my brother. The real source of my anger was, ultimately, anger at myself for something I had done in the past. Once I identified that and accepted responsibilty for that, I was able to have a good conversation with my brother. I called him this morning, so nice to be working towards developing good relationships and not getting stuck.
For many years, now, my siblings and I, haven't gotten along very well, so I yesterdays events indicate hope that things can change as I grow. The AA program is helping me heal myself and in turn, all of my relationships.
But "it only works, if I work it."
I have a meeting in an hour, looking forward to that.
