5 weeks out of detox center...discontent and having doubts

Dodsworth · Senior Member

5 weeks out of detox center...discontent and having doubts

montesd · Newbie

Hi Dods, Sure you have these thoughts and yes, most of us have had them too.
Remember that the Big Book suggests that left to our own devices we will drink again.
The answer?....develop a connection with a power greater than ourselves and not only will we not be tempted, but we seemingly could not drink again. This is my place in sobriety today and I thank God each day for bringing me to it.

Montesd

BGG · Senior Member

Hi Dods:

I came to A.A. at 24 years old, and at first had the same doubts you are sharing: "I'm too young," I haven't [fill in whatever someone shared at a meeting that I hadn't done yet]," etc. What worked for me was listening to many people, particularly at speaker's meetings, share their life story with alcohol. I was able to see the progression of their disease, and eventually the light came on and I could see that that's where I was heading. The 12 and 12 calls it "raising the bottom." The disease that we suffer from -- alcoholism -- attacks us mainly by telling us that we're different from others, and that we don't have it. We "fight" it by listening to others' stories with an open mind (and by praying to our Higher Power for that open mind).

You've shared that you are at the 3rd step. One suggestion that I've applied, and continue to do, is to go back to re-read the chapters beginning with the Doctor's Opinion in the Big Book through the chapter "More About Alcoholism." I also read Step One in the 12 and 12 each morning. I ask myself these questions in reading these chapters: Did I drink like that? Did I think like that? Did I act like that? Did I feel like that? The 12 and 12 says that the only step that we can ever do to 100% perfection is Step One. It is important to me, no matter what step that I think that "I'm on," to regularly go back to the information for the First Step, and remind myself that I'm an alcoholic and what that really means.

I hope this helps. Please keep coming back.

Quetzal · MIP Old Timer

Hi Dods,

I first came to AA when I was forty and wished that I had done it years earlier. It's going to take a little time for you to start to feel 'normal' again, but hang in there one day at a time and you'll get there.

I came to AA and then went back out. That little voice convinced me that I could control my drinking. It was wrong! But, I now have two and a half years sober. The BB is true in that it only gets worse and never better. I hit new lows on a daily basis and mentally and emotionally went to places that I never want to visit again. It took me eighteen long and terrible months to get back.

Just hang in there and it really will get better.

Try going to different meetings and as many as possible; try getting involved in AA; keep working the steps; have daily contact with as many recovering alcoholics as you can; don't keep how you are feeling to yourself ... share it.

And, please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you?

Take care,

Carol

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Dodsworth wrote:

I guess im just worried that somewhere somehow inside me the alcoholism is turning the gears and one day I will say: "I'm too young to be on the wagon, surely i cannot do this forever, maybe i should try some controlled drinking" I guess all this is just self-pity or stinking thinking, whatever you want to call it, but it dogs me all the time.

Hi Dods,
welcome to the board. I went to my first meeting at 15 yo and wasnt' ready, again at 18, and it wasn't until I was 27 that I came back with the idea that I wanted to really be clean and sober. I too am an alcoholic AND a drug addict.
I had tried numerous times to quit on my own, once at age 20 I put together about 3 months. From 27-29yo I went to meetings about an average of 3 times a week, never got a sponsor, and didn't work the steps. Most importantly I didn't make friends in the program. Sure I got to know people but I never hung out with them. I tried to keep my old friends and live a dual life. I failed repeatedly never getting more than 2 months before relapsing.

Then a series of events including watching my best friend die of an OD, going thru a divorce, and losing the best job I'd ever had brought me the gifts of desperation and willingness. Squashed my ego enough to start liking what I was hearing in the program like "your best thinking got you here" and "your mind is not your friend". I realized that I was not comfortable in my own skin, used alcohol and drugs to try and cover that up, and was trying to kill myself or at least destroy anything and everything that was or could be good in my life. I too thought that I may be "Too young....to be clean and sober" but I wasn't too your to die, go to jail, or lose my mind totally and be locked up in a mental ward.

The last one scared me the most. So I finally decided that "I wanted what people in the program had" and made a decison to do what they did to get sober. I didn't pick and choose, I took all the suggestions I'd heard in meetings, like 90 meetings in 90 days. I bet even money that you weren't in a meeting the days you picked up the pot and pills. I heard the "meeting makers make it...." and I decided that I was going to go to a meeting every day until I got a year, then didn't miss a meeting daily for a 4 more years. At about 3 years I think that I had my first rational thought weirdface

. And at 5 years I began really feeling comfortable with my sobriety and really liking who I was.

I guess what I'm saying is that this is a process not an event. You just don't go to a 30 day rehab and come out sober. Just like you don't go to college for a semester and come out with a degree. You have to set a goal and work for it.
Best advise is don't listen to what your brain is saying. Your brain is damaged.
You are not the voices inside your head, you are the poor sob that has to listen to that nonsense. When your brain starts regurgitating that crap, tell it to stfu, call your sponser, and get yourself to a meeting, rince and repeat. smile

Dean

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 06:49, 2008-08-15

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 09:04, 2008-08-15

Jednorozec · Veteran Member

When I was in St. Joe's rehab in 1987 they told us that you had to be willing to do anything to stay sober -- you had to be willing to push a peanut across the floor with your nose. My reaction to that was, aw, come on, you gotta be kidding. So while I was willing to go through St. Joe's, I was holding back a bit on what I would do to stay sober. That finally caught up to me after 16 years of sobriety and I drank for 3 years. My drinking got so bad that I was finally willing to do whatever it took to stay sober and called 911 around midnight and asked to be put into a detox.

That complete surrender has totally changed my life and I am very grateful for the last 3 year drunk because of the life that I have today. I am also grateful that God gave me another chance and I am amazed that I made it back to A.A. If somebody told me today that I had to push a peanut across the floor with my nose to stay sober, I'd say "Where's the peanut and how far do you want me to push it?"

Don't be in a hurry to get through the steps. Unless you've surrendered completely in the first step then there's a pretty good chance that you'll drink again.

FrostyJack · Newbie

Hi Dodsworth, Your letter was not too long. Quiting drinking and drugging was the easiest things that I ever did. In fact it was so easy i quit hundreds and maybe as close to 1000 times, only to go out and go through the agony over again and again. Maybe you haven't had enough but i don't think so ? Maybe you are too young but i don't think so either. I always thought I was too young to quit and never joined Eh Eh ( Canadian Division of AA) until I was a few weeks past my 50th birthday. Was I too old ? I don't think so. I had one slip 3 weeks into the program not with booze but with a cocktail of 3 horse tranqs 5 tylenol with codeine and 3 motion sickness pills. Do you know it took me 6 years before I admitted to anyone that I had that slip ? I didn't want to lose any of my precious sobriety seniority. If it just seniority you are after forget it because its highly overated. If its sobriety itself you want then go for it because it does get better. I got off the cruise ship in Nassau attended a meeting there on Groundhog Day 1992 and have never had a slip since. I have had several hundred dry drunks but no wet ones. Good luck if you make it and also good luck to you if you don't. Keep in touch Dodsworth.
God Bless YOU and YOURS
FrostyJack ( Cliff W Smith)

Returned_Here · Veteran Member

Hi Dods,

StPeteDean hit the nail on the head. I loved what he said because it is all true.

Our thinking is going to do it's best to hang onto what "feels good" and what numbs our feelings so we don't have to experience anything uncomfortable in life. Yet, how comfortable are the metal jail cots and concrete floors? We forget that. (Been there, done that.) How comfortable are the handcuffs? (Been there, done that too, more than once...)

Like you, I'm an alcoholic/addict and have been in ER's, Jail and rehab, (not in AA), and I've also been locked up in a mental ward and had a 2nd near death experience at 25 from alcohol & drugs, and back in jail at 39 from alcohol. The fear of going back there and picking up again is something that has helped me from time to time and is a good reminder of where my drinking/drugging can take me.

Our brain will use any excuse it can think up to convince me that drinking or drugging is the answer. Excuses I have thought up:

1. There is no way I can go the rest of my life without a drink or a drug. (I don't have to - Im only focusing on THIS 24 hour period, not the rest of my life. I'm not even guaranteed tomorrow.)

2. Man, a drink would sure help. (When has a drink ever made anything better? It just numbed my brain and the same situation was waiting for me to deal with when I sobered up, unless the situation had become worse because I did something stupid while I was drinking.)

3. I'm going to miss partying! (Yet I sure don't miss paddy wagons, squad cars, metal cots and handcuffs.)

4. Hey, I've been clean and sober for how long? I must not be an alkie or a druggie then! If I were I wouldn't be able to stay sober & clean this long. (A normie wouldn't even be THINKING about picking up again after what I've been through....)

5. I'm too young! (I was 42 and I still said the same thing! But like StPeteDean said, I wasn't too young to go to jail, mental wards, rehab, have an NDE, experience handcuffs, court, lawyers, probation, fees gallore, .... my thinking I was too young was asking for more of the same thing or worse since it is a progressive disease.)

6. I am sooo angry, I need a drink/drug. (Yeah, that's a way of saying "I'll show you - I'll hurt me.)

7. I've been working hard, I need a drink to relax. (Try relaxing on that metal cot with the wool blanket and the 2 inch thick straw or wood chip mattress and the metal bar doors clanging open & shut all night.

8.) My friends are partying... (First, are they really friends or partying buddies? How often do they come around now that your not using? Second, how about changing people, places and things?)

Those are just a few of the excuses that my mind drummed up in early sobriety. Now it's things like:

9.) Hmmmmm....I wonder how that tastes? (Wonder how Draino tastes, the after effects would probably be less painful and less costly.)

10.) Maybe I could have just one now, I mean it's been years, maybe my alcoholism is gone... (When was I ever satisfied with just one? Maybe a 5 gallon bucket!)

Anyway, the way I see it, our mind with use tons of excuses to go back to drinking or drugging. I have to learn to think things all the way through and remind myself to talk to someone in the program when I am thinking about using alcohol or drugs. It's when I try to keep those thoughts to myself that I'm headed for trouble.

I'm not responsible for those fleeting thoughts. I'm responsible for what happens afterwards. Do I entertain them? Do I share those thoughts with others in the program? Do I begin to plot, plan, be secretive? Those are things I have to watch for.

You're not too young to stop drinking & drugging for today. For this 24 hour period. Stop worrying about tomorrow...you may not be alive tomorrow. I might not either. I hope we both are though.

My life without alcohol and drugs has become a better place than I ever thought it could be thanks to the steps of AA and the fellowship of the program. I never thought I'd want to live without a drink or a drug. But 99% of the time, I don't even think about it anymore. Now, it's as if I never drank or drugged at all. (Never thought I'd say or think that!) Even still, I can't say I never will, I can only say I hope I never do....but it's just for today, THIS 24 hours...One day at a time...not focusing on any day but today.

I wish you the best.

Love & Hugs,
Stephanie

Dodsworth · Senior Member

Thanks everyone. I guess a lot of alcoholics think they are too young to be on the wagon. As people say in one of my AA meetings: I am a garden-variety drunk, no different than most, which means the solution works if I listen to people like you. The thought of drinking scares me, and I do not have an immediate concern of going back to the bottle, but I find that staying clean with regards to pot, is my immediate problem. Using any drug is a threat to my sobriety. It is that feedback loop of wanting to escape that I need to change, and some days i feel good about NOT calling my using "friends", but often the positive feeling does not carry over into the next day and I wake up pissed off that I cannot take a drink or smoke, pissed off that I am what I am, and its almost like i have to start over each day in getting a grain of peace. As my sponsor says: Just string together a few 24hrs and then do it again, etc. I know im beating a dead horse here, but my sponsor said something last night that kind of shocked me. He said alcohol/pills/pot/etc stays in your system in traces much longer than you think, and that since I've been using pot/pills over the past few weeks, i am still detoxing from those things. I think he said it would be close to a year or more before my body is totally cleansed of alcohol/drugs, assuming i don't use anything over that period of time. Anyone heard anything like that? Is it true?

Again, thanks a lot for your responses. You all are so very kind and helpful.

Dods

Returned_Here · Veteran Member

Hi Dods,

Yes and no, while alcohol and drugs can take several weeks or even several months to vacate a person's body chemistry wise, it can take years for the effects of the alcohol and drugs to pass. Some effects may never pass and may be lifelong repercussions from alcohol & or drug use with illness or damage to internal organs. (Many friends I have are experiencing this now including my brother.)

Many alcohol and drug users don't experience clairity of thought for approximately 9 months for alcohol and 18 months or longer for drug use.

Alcohol and drugs retard our emotional and educational growth and cause a person to be stunted in those areas until growth can be resumed upon sobriety.

You mentioned in your post of waking up angry that you can't use. I was the same way. It was not until I had worked the steps and saw evidence of a changed and better life that I began to enjoy life sober and clean and no longer woke up angry at not being able to use. I hope that you stick around and experience the same thing.

Love & Hugs,
Stephanie

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Dodsworth wrote:

" some days i feel good about NOT calling my using "friends", but often the positive feeling does not carry over into the next day and I wake up pissed off that I cannot take a drink or smoke, pissed off that I am what I am, and its almost like i have to start over each day in getting a grain of peace."
As long as you try and lead a dual life (keeping those old friends around) your sobriety is in jeapordy. Make new friends in the program and start hanging around with them. That's what "the fellowship" is about. This was my biggest shortcomming, the two years that continued to relapse. I also had issues with drugs sabotaging my sobriety, so I began attending NA meetings similtaneously to address my drug problem that I was denial about.
" but my sponsor said something last night that kind of shocked me. He said alcohol/pills/pot/etc stays in your system in traces much longer than you think, and that since I've been using pot/pills over the past few weeks, i am still detoxing from those things. I think he said it would be close to a year or more before my body is totally cleansed of alcohol/drugs, assuming i don't use anything over that period of time. Anyone heard anything like that? Is it true?"
This is true, toxins are storred in the fatty tissues of the body for a long time. I heard that it takes 7 years for the body to replace all of it's cells. More importantly, a newly recovering person will be suffering from PAWS or Post acute withdraw syndrome. take some time and read these older post of mine. http://aa.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42735&p=3&topicID=15178283

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 18:13, 2008-08-15

Jednorozec · Veteran Member

If they invented a pill that would allow alcoholics to drink normally, I wouldn't want it. When I was drinking, I didn't have any choice -- I had to drink. Now I do have a choice whether to drink or not. At the end of my drinking there was really no pleasure in it and besides, even a small amount of alcohol makes you somewhat stupider. There was a time in my life when the first thing that I would do in the morning, before even getting out of bed, was to reach for the hash pipe. I don't want to go back to that either. There are times when the thought of a drink crosses my mind. I just let it cross and go on its way. Most of the time I like my life and the space that I'm in and any drugs would destroy that. I am actually grateful that I'm an alcoholic because I've found the peace and serenity that I was searching for most of my life.

Dodsworth · Senior Member

StPeteDean- thanks for the information on PAW. I guess its possible i am experiencing PAW?

Today I am very anxious and stressed out, i almost feel like i used to when withdrawal was just setting in: rapid breathing, anxiety, fidgety..

StPeteDean, i am having problems integrating myself into the fellowship. I have a good relationship with my sponsor, but when it comes to walking up to a group of alcoholics at my home group, I can't, I feel anxiety and socially inadequate.. I'll stop my whining. Thanks again for the info.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

We all went thru that anxiety about meeting people. What I did in the beginning was to make myself introduce me to at least one person before and after each meeting. I still do today. Also speaking up when they ask if anyone is new or in the first 30 days prompts people to introduce themselves to you. It's not that hard and you can do it.

I also used to go to a good number of meetings with my sponsor and he would introduce me to people.

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 20:02, 2008-08-15

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

Dods, there are lots of folks your age in AA nowadays. At 25, I had my first taste of AA, and I filled my time with AAers my age who were a little healthier than myself, and we stayed sober together, and kept up with the things that people in their 20's and single OUGHT to be doing... having dinner in groups, going to movies, LIVING LIFE, while learning how to work the steps. I made some lifelong friends in just that way. I hope that you can bring yourself to get involved in AA, and reap those benefits as well. You DESERVE them.

mstrmsn66 · Veteran Member

I have serious misgivings about "having to hurt, or haven't hurt enough". Those are residual effects to be dealt with and not part of the program. Nowhere does it say you have to hurt in order to heal. I would be questioning that.

However, in order to heal, you will hurt. There is a difference and this is not simple rhetoric, it is a frame of mind. Go to meetings, connect with a higher power. Basic steps you need to do. Your higher power does not necessarily have to come in the form of God or his abilities. I think it is in the 12 & 12 book that states that agnostics and non-believers can put their faith in the power of the group proper. The actual body, or people that constitute the meeting for that particular night or day. 5, 10, or 25 certainly have more power than 1.
And most are more than willing to step up to the plate for you. I will, and you can do this, simply because you are here. If you weren't here, you wouldn't be concerned, and that is the scariest thing.

hills alive · Veteran Member

gday dod my name is peter. i agree with 95 percent of what the other members have said one of the most important things you need to do is keep away from any using friends, because no one who uses can usually stand any one around them who is straight so obviously they are going to tempt you to join in arent they, so you have to realise that using friends are not really friends at all, if your not working i would suggest going to the rehab again or another one and take some more time out so to speak.
ive been to rehabs myself and they are a great support when even a sponsor doesnt seem to be enough sometimes, plus theres always something to do at a rehab. if not then glue yourself to AAand go to NA and even GROW you will have so much support and simmilarities to listen to that it will finally sink in that you have to go straight . im in my 50s and i dont know of anyone who has led a succesfull life on the pot or the booze, and i know hundreds of people of all ages, ive been to about 6,000 AA MEETINGS and the only members who have found peace, and i mean REAL PEACE are those who went through all the steps, they stuck with the strength and stayed away from the pubs, clubs and dives. cheers peter.