Hi, I have been mulling over the thoughts on co-dependency and counterdependency again and was wondering if this is actually why I am like I am.
I have never thought about WANTING to be independant, or PROVING that im independant, its just the way it happened when i had to leave home.
When I say that I like being on my own, I dont feel that I am trying to prove something by doing that, I just cant stand having anyone in my life or my home on any more than a short time basis, they really get on my nerves. I even struggled for a long long time with my son and these feelings. In fact, I think that I have only just got used to having him in my life and home and hes nearly 16.
Growing up I was mummys little servant. When all the other kids were out playing in the school hols, I had a list of jobs as long as your arm to do before I was allowed to play out and they took me to about an hour before it was time for me to start the tea. I had to hurry home from school to do the tea too. On a Sunday afternoon, I would do all the family's ironing and would wash the pots every other night. If the job wasnt done to mothers high standard then I would be brought back time and time again until it was perfect. My brother on the other hand would be told to do something once and when he didnt do it right the job was given to me because he just couldnt do it.
I grew up HATING housework and having to do it for somebody else too or even just having to consider somebody elses feelings was a definate no no.
I am single because I realy dont want anybody in my life. I am not a "people person" and too much of a person irritates me to hell.
Does this make me co-dependant or counterdependant or am I just selfish with my life and dont want to share it with anybody.
I need to understand whats going on with me, would CODA help me or do I just accept that I am happy not sharing my life.
p.s. Dont get me wrong, I like to be with people outside of my home but once i shut the door to my home I like to know that if I want to be alone then I have a choice and dont have to let ANYBODY in and that includes a partner.
Hi KLT, I feel that we are not all either counter dependent or co dependent. Sometimes people just like to be alone and live their life without a relationship. I know I have seen what they call codepent and counter dependent traits in myself.
It may be also that you have not found the one who makes you feel like you want to so therefore they are just there. That is no fun. I understand how it feels liking your own space.
If you are happy and content with yourself then I would enjoy it and not worry about the labels. I know I have hated them myself.
I too have about had it with "labels". Anytime something comes to light in the world of psychology, metaphysical stuff, personality "typing", etc.... I get into reading about it and labeling myself, and diagnosing myself, etc.... then I GROAN, and forget about it, and just keep trying to live in the present, and one day at a time.
I am a firm believer that God is always going to provide me with what I need, and God is going to use my talents/strengths to provide my partner with what he needs from me, as well. No matter what happens, all my experiences in all types of relationship provide a place to learn and grow and change.
I had become quite the "isolationist" at one point in recovery, and found that that was the healthiest place for me to be. Then I ended up marrying a guy who is gone a lot for work, and is not particualrly "needy" himself, and thus, the relationship works out well for both of us. For whatever time we are intended to be together on this planet, it is a "good deal", and it all started form a good friendship, without a lot of "fireworks".
All in all, me believing I am CODA, or Non-CODA, or whatever, does not make a hill of beans difference when I lie down at night and realize that I didn't drink or do anything too dumb with my day or my relationship, by God's Grace. Sobriety has SIMPLIFIED things for me tremendously, and I am done searching for new diagnoses. (LOL) While these things are all great tools for us to get to know ourselves better, I know that the AA program helps me more than anything else in my life, and I am grateful for the simplicity of it.
((((hugs)))) Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
bingo! relationships are optional, certainly no measure of anything, and are totally subjective as far as wants an needs. I'm one of those people that's seems to be happier in a relationship. With the said, I had a lot of work to do in early sobriety to prepare myself. I have many friends in the program that really enjoy their independence and I admire them for it.
Sobriety has SIMPLIFIED things for me tremendously, and I am done searching for new diagnoses. (LOL) While these things are all great tools for us to get to know ourselves better, I know that the AA program helps me more than anything else in my life, and I am grateful for the simplicity of it.
Love that share! It def says it all for me!!!! Thanks J
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
