Subject: Fw: Chilli Bake Off


> Some of you probably got this one before but it will still put tears in your
> eyes from laughing.
> Phil
>
> Subject: FW: Chilli Bake Off
>
>
> >
> > The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
> > visiting Texas from the East Coast:
> >
> > Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> > cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened
> > to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
> > Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
> > judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
> > besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
> > accepted."
> >
> > Here are the scorecards from the event:
> >
> > Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> > Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> > remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put theflames
> > out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> >
> > Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> > seriously.
> > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
> > I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> > wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
> > when they
> > saw the look on my face.
> >
> > Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
> > Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> > like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
> > me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
> > backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
> > all of the beer.
> >
> > Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> > other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
> > taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
> > standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.er is starting to
> > look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
> > aphrodisiac?
> >
> > Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> >
> > considerable kick. Very impressive.
> > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
> > the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> > can no longer focus my eyes. I let off gas and four people behind me needed
> > paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
> > had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
> > beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
> > off. It really peaves me off that the other judges asked me to stop
> > screaming.
> > Screw those rednecks.
> >
> > Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> > spices and peppers.
> > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
> > Superb.
> > Judge #3-- I had an accident, when I let off gas and I'm worried it will eat through
> > the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She
> > must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
> > wipe my butt with a snow cone.
> >
> > Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> > chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
> > about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> > uncontrollably.
> > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> > wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> > like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
> > slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like crap to
> > match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
> > I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
> > getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
> > the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
> >
> > Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
> > but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
> > hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
> > fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
> > he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
> > hot chili?