Accepting

lani · MIP Old Timer

Accepting

lani · MIP Old Timer

Its such a privilege to post this while Carol is gone. Todays reading especially touched me so thought Id comment. Probably a long winded post but bear with me. Yesterdays 24 hrs post also had me thinking....

I think my biggest character defects are denial and avoidance.(which is actually powerless over my feelings!) I got that honestly as Ive always said my dad is like an ostrich who buries his head in the sand.....I deny I have problems by putting on a great big smile and acting like everything is OK! I never want to rock the boat and I hate arguments.

Ive been struggling the last couple days and really thought, "a drink would numb all this stuff and I wouldnt have to deal with anything" I truly would have picked up if I didnt have the support system that I have learned in AA to use today!

My biggest trigger is my husband! I have been with him 22 yrs and love him to death. (at least today!!!) He is also in the program but has a way of driving me over the edge. We have been through some really rough times and there were times in my life where I really thought I would leave him. Decided after I got my RN degree and started making my own money I was outta here. Thats was 5 yrs ago! So it has been an ongoing process.

I have talked to my sponsor and several support friends and they all offer great advise. Tell him, "im sorry you feel that way" Go to Alanon, or simply "you have to stop LETTING him get to you"..All great advise but for some reason it doesnt work.
Ive always let him have control over everything...where we go, or don't go because he didnt want to, what friends we hang with, what I even do during the day. I walk on eggshells to please him and in the meantime I drive myself crazy.

So here I am, 9 months into sobriety, am learning to make my own choices, speak my mind and not allowing him to get to me. But there are days I fail greatly and those feelings of wanting to drink come back. I think he likes the change in me but is having a hard time accepting that I am changing and he cant walk all over me. So, Im in a catch 22!
There was the thread started about letting go of the things that drive you to drink. I heard "anything you put before sobriety you will lose!"

It makes me sad to think we are both in the program and I still have these feelings but things are really much better. My kids are happier, our relationship is so good when it is good, but on those days where things arent quite right between us I really have rages of "I hate you" and "im getting a bottle!!" They are so painful and Im curious as to what our future holds.

So, in writing this and talking about it my problem is cut in half. I dont have to drink over this. I have the tools to use that will keep me sober one day at a time! Life does get better and we deal with our problems with the help of others in the program.(and my HP especially) Even talking to my hubby and sharing just where I am can be helpful. It buys me one more day of sobriety.

So rather than picking up and ranting and raving (although I really did a bit lol) I am learning that honesty is the key. I am that important to myself today to make things work. Its ok to have emotions, be mad when I need to be, hurt when I need to hurt... Those emotions are not the end of the world. Picking up and numbing those feelings WOULD be the end of the world!

Thanks for letting me share.....

Returned_Here · Veteran Member

Hi Lani,

A lot of what you said sounded just like me and my life in early sobriety. I had many masks I would wear to be what ever I thought others wanted me to be. When people would ask how I was, "Good!" I would say, but inside I could feel like my world was crumbling around my feet and there was no way out.

As I worked through the steps and began to be the same kind of friend to myself that I would be to someone else, I began to love and nurture myself. I started giving myself permission to "feel" and to express those feellings. (Funny, this morning on my Yahoo360 blog, I blogged about the Worth of Tears.) It was basically about giving ourselves permission to feel and to express sorrow and hurt with tears.

I started realizing that no matter how much I loved someone, I didn't owe them my life and they didn't owe me theirs. Meaning I had to start taking control over my own life.

I realized that each time I thought or told someone I was so angry I wanted a drink, it really meant "I'll show you, I'll hurt myself."

Most of the time the rage I had inside came out expressed in broken dishes or slammed doors, and often expressed at my own self. I was really hard on my self and had expectations for my own standards and behavior that was far beyond what I expected out of anyone else. After God showed me that those who hurt me had sick thinking - I was able to forgive them and the rage started dying out. Forgiving them didn't mean I let them keep hurting me, it was my responsibility to protect myself or to seek help to protect myself - I became proactive in my ability to keep myself safe from harm.

Little by little I started allowing myself to take off the mask and to allow those close to me to see how I really felt. I allowed myself to feel vunerable to those who I knew were not going to hurt me. Bringing the mask down and allowing myself to "feel" was uncomfortable at first, but not allowing myself to feel was uncomfortable too. In time, being real, without a mask and without numbing became more comfortable and better emotionally.

I loved this writing from the Language of Letting Go, and what you wrote and seeing the changes you are making in your life, clean & sober.

You are an inspiration to others. Keep sharing and may God bless you.

Love & hugs,
Stephanie

-- Edited by Returned_Here at 09:19, 2008-07-31

surfergirl · Veteran Member

I am in the same place and relate to all of the above. I need to allow myself to feel. Today, I lied to a friend and most of all to myself. A brief job offer came up for a quick training. Good money. I need the money. I did not want to do it. She is a bit aggressive as well. Instead of dealing with my emotions or feeling the real feeling, I controlled them and then gave in, avoiding rejection and confrontation. The other part of it is, she lives off of the freeway and I have only driven on the freeway once since my anxiety attack. So I also want to venture out and drive to her house. That would be the only reason I would want to go and do this job...bizarre hey!! Anyhow, In therapy yesterday, I told the therapist about me going to AA. I have decided even though I do not drink daily or drink like a "stereotypical" alcoholic, I am powerless when I drink. Whcih would be like an alcoholic. Since I have been reading step one in both of the programs ACA and AA, over and over, it is sinking in...I am powerless over much. As I go through therapy, I am venturing into uncomfortable territory as well and becoming anxious. I haven't wanted to drink though. I am so busy. But I must remember to be a human being not a human doing either. I too have struggles with my hubby. I totally get it. I wonder what the future brings, but keep reminding myself to stay in the present. It is all so hard and difficult. I thought working out was hard...phew! This is the real work.

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Thank God this was exactly what I needed to read right now, ta Lani. My flatmate irritated the bedevils out of me after making random comments & then gloating that she'd got another of our flatmates evicted. I was eating my dinner when she leaned next to my ear & said this one so I snapped at her 'to get the **** out of my face' which resulted in further cross words between us & me feeling disturbed for the rest of the evening.

She's mentally retarded in many ways I think. She constantly attention seeks, makes ridiculous comments like 'I've just taken 6 diazapam' or 'not eaten for three days' etc etc. All hard things for me to listen to over a prolonged period of time. This time last year we took time out from the friendship because she'd previously gone off her head & tried to kill herself despite any help & support offered by me. She did go as far as to try one or two NA & AA meetings but didn't like them.

She's had these strange behaviours on & off for years. We've known each other for two. Her misdemeaors also include a stint of heroine taking amongst many other things & to top it all off she's transgender & in the process of making the change of becoming legally & physically female. I would have more sympathy & understanding for her except every way that she behaves & her attitude simply seems like constant acting out & I don't like it. Almost as if it's no genuine problem but just an annoying & manipulative type of sickness. I can't wait myself for her to move out.. And 'get the **** out of my face!!!!'

We struck up a friendship in college out of a pitying connection I think. I felt sorry for me though thought I had some semblance of pride & I felt sorry for her. It's a friendship that came before I knew what codependency was & not one I would encourage today. It's funny, after she got back on her feet & seemed to be changing after living in a homeless hostel for a few months I thought her moving into where I live would give her some stability to move forwards in her life. Maybe this has happened. I don't know where she'd have ended up or who with after that hostel. Maybe better, maybe worse.

I'm definitely taking her inventory here & I could go on but I know today this isn't how to practice my program. I logged into MIP, read this post on Powerlessness & realised in absolution that this is exactly all I have to do & what I was forgetting. I knew on some level I had to ask for help but somehow it wasn't coming & now I've realised I can work Steps 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,(9 if required) for this issue in small scale immediate succession beginning with Powerlessness. How Ace is that!!! This is the first time I've actually thought of using my program specifically like this but it's a great structure & I trust it. As simple & easy as *123*

Simple now because it's a method I can understand & I have my HP with me. Easy because 'I can't, He can, Let Him' There is no easier softer way for me. I am Powerless over People, Places & Things. The only one I can Change is Me. I also appreciated this post as it helped me to realise that I was feeling unnecessarily ashamed of my reaction & feelings around this issue. They are as they are (or were!) & I can be honest about them to myself, own & deserve them right before I can then deal with them & let them go using my program. Thankyou each for sharing your living in the Solution. Thanks for listening to me too. Daniella x

-- Edited by Sobrietyspell at 21:19, 2008-07-30

lani · MIP Old Timer

Absolutely incredible! "The language of letting go!"- I think thats what its all about and never thought of the "title" that way!

Stephanie: I am so glad you found us because the words you share and the caring in all you post can be felt so deeply! I love what you had to post and it makes so much sense!
Surfer- it really does get easier and AA is so worth it. Cant you feel yourself growing!
Danielle: As always, love what you share. Youre right, alls we have to do is ask!!!!

I am amazed at what each of you shared and am slowly learning that I can share these feelings, trust God and then move on. And the bonus is, we all have each other to lean on! Something Ive never experienced before! Pure honesty, pure friendships, pure feelings!!!
Thank you all!

Doll · MIP Old Timer

surfergirl wrote:

I have decided even though I do not drink daily or drink like a "stereotypical" alcoholic, I am powerless when I drink. Whcih would be like an alcoholic.

Before going to AA I thought all drunks were homeless, jobless and immoral. I was so happy to find out this is just not true. We come from all walks of life. Doctors, Lawyers, Sanitation workers, engineers, nurses, social workers, hairdressers, stay at home mothers, you name it! We are a group who would not normally associate with one another.

I didn't drink daily. I have a high profile career, I have a home, I raised a son alone, I took vacations to exotic places and I rode a Harley. But I was a binger. And sometimes (very few) I could even control my drinking. But I found out that when I controlled it, I didn't enjoy it. When I enjoyed it, I couldnt' control it. "Crossing The River Of Denial" BB 4th Edition, Page 328.

I'd suggest you read this woman's story. It may bring some clarity....and get you off the fence, one way or another.

(((hugs)))