I came to the rooms of AA over 7 years ago, completely whipped, looking for some answers. In the beginning I didn't believe that I was powerless over alcohol, drugs, or anything for that matter, I thought I could somehow survive on my own will power. I just needed to know how to live a life that I absolutely hated and wanted out of, with or without a drink or a drug. I had just discovered that I couldn't do that. No matter how many times I had tried to stop drinking I couldn't, and things just kept getting worse. I had tried suicide way too many times, but divine intervention kept me here.
I had tried all of the methods mentioned in the Big Book on page 31, paragraph 2, "Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums we could increase the list ad infinitum. "
I'd been drinking since I was a tot. I remember carring around a brown bottle (beer) when I was only 2 years old (and there are pictures to verify this...) I went through childhood abuse, in every way imaginable by more than one person. I was filled with hurt, anger and rage, I hated who I was and distrusted everyone, including myself. I believed that people who claimed they loved you hurt you....and people who didn't claim they loved you hurt you. I went on my first big drunk at 14 at a keg party. By 16, I was drinking whiskey and smoking pot, taking acid, speed and everything else. Alcohol was my drug of choice and more was my second.
Fast forward 26 years, past 2 broken marriages, many messed up relationships - some abusive, moving 21 times in 3 years at one point, jobs gallore, grown children who are no longer speaking to me and who hang up on me the minute they hear my voice on the telephone, all other family relationships are severed except a few Christian ones - but I couldn't talk to them - in fact, I didn't call them because I didn't want them to know how I was living. I couldn't drink if I was around them. I was drinking nearly 24/7 but my job interfered with my drinking, so it wasn't a full 24 hours. I drank before work, during breaks I had tequilla hid in the glovebox of my car and would drink then, and I would stop on the way home from work daily to buy more tequilla and beer and drink far into the night or early morning hours - often going to bed at 4 am and getting up to go to work at 5.
The hardest part for me back then was that I wanted out of life but my attempts at suicide were thwarted. I was not a happy camper. I was utterly and totally miserable. After my last attempt at suicide with a Lugar, that was obviously unsuccessful, I stood at my kitchen window and looked up at the clouds and began screaming at God. "I hate this life, but you leave me stuck in it! I don't want to be here but you leave me here! I have always hated this life! Why do you leave me here? I can't live this life with or without a drink or a drug! If you want me to stay here then you have to help me!! Please! Help me!!" I walked over to my living room after screaming at God and crying at the same time for about 20 minutes, and sit down on my sofa. I went into a trance - just staring out into limbo - for two hours and as I snaped out of it, I heard a soft voice speak the words, "Why don't you call AA?" I had never known anyone in AA, and really didn't know what they did or a lot about it, but I was whipped. I had nothing to loose.
My last drink was 19 drinks (vodka, tequilla and beer) within 3 hours after drinking all day and continuing to drink afterwards, driving home in a blackout. During the blackout I would "come to" for bits of minutes and see that I was in some part of the city that I didn't recognize nor know how I had just driven there, but I was still behind the wheel. At points I was driving along side of a police car, or one behind me, as I came out of the blackout for those few moments. The minute the danger was passed, I was back into the blackout again. My alcohol tollerence had increased to the point where after 19 drinks, I could walk without staggering, talk without slurring my words, and obviously drive well enough for a police car to not stop me for DUI again. I had been stopped and charged for DUI four years before that.
I called and found a meeting that was a fair distance away from where I lived. I didn't want anyone I knew to see me going into an AA meeting. They could see me dragging different guys home, hear me clinking (as quietly as I could) huge bags of bottles and cans to the curb for trash day, but I sure didn't want them to think I had a problem with alcohol.
That first meeting hit me hard. It was a speaker meeting and the speaker giving their lead was talking about driving clear across town to go to thier first meeting so no one would know about it. I thought she had to know me, or someone there knew me and tipped her off. Then she spoke of what had happened and I heard little bits of it, (my attention span then was horrible), but what I did hear sounded a lot like things I was going through. Then she said something that I wanted to believe - but knew for me that it was impossible. She said, if we kept coming back, that things would get better. To me, that was just a bunch of hot air, but one little glimmer of hope in me, questioned if it just might, maybe - just maybe, be true.
The next time I went to a meeting closer to where I lived. It took me a while to actually go inside the AA Clubhouse after I found out where the meetings were. I drove past the building two or three times, parked in the lot, pulled off, pulled back in, sat in the car, and finally got enough courage to go inside.
I sat next to the door. As the meeting started I listened as best I could, and heard their laughter and joking mixed in with the seriousness of dealing with life as an alcoholic the topic was the first step. They were warm and encouraging, but I didn't trust any of them. I thought there must be an alterior motive for them to want me to be there. How could they laugh like that and be happy? They had to be drinking or drugging.
None the less, I kept going back, and had been trying their suggestions. I hit 108 meetings in 90 days and had been sober those 90 days. I had a sponsor, read the big book and the 12 & 12, started working the steps, and through them found answers that counselors and psychritrists couldn't seem to help me with no matter how many thousands of dollars I owed or how many times I had lied to them. It was through AA that I was able to get honest and to begin to clear away the wreckage of my past.
I learned how to truly forgive - not just mouth the words but still feel the horrible pain of the past, but to let all that dissolve into nothingness by realizing that those who had hurt me were just sick people. I learned how to forgive myself for all my missdeeds. I made as many amends as I was able to humanly make, and tried my hardest to leave no stone unturned.
It truly made all the difference in the world. Had I thought when I was debating about coming to AA that maybe there was something I could loose by coming - I would have not only died a drunk and druggie, but I would have lost many years of what has turned out to be some of the best of my life.
My children and family started talking to me again and we began to rebuild relationships better than ever before. I even told some of them that I didn't come around because of the life I was living and how sorry I was that I had distanced myself from them. I stopped moving around so much, I stopped quitting jobs, my whole life changed. I found new friends who wanted real friendships and I allowed myself to get to know people and let them know me. And best of all, I have found a loving, compassionate God who helps drunks like me to get sober and clean and live better lives.
I've learned that I have a choice. I have options. I know today that I'm responsible for taking that first drink or not taking it. I know the alcohol or drugs were not going to just jump up and land in my mouth without my cooperation to get it there.
I know today to call someone if I'm considering taking a drink or using drugs. I'm responsible for my own sobriety - but yet, I also want, need and appreciate the help that comes from those in the rooms of AA and the Program of AA. I lean heavily on my Higher Power to help me stay guarded against my character defects that would get in the way of my relationship to Him, my sobriety and my usefulness to others. I've learned that today I can actually plan for my future, because now that I'm not drinking and drugging, I'm actually looking forward to the future.
I love AA meetings and getting to meet and know new members of my extended AA family. I once was a very shy, quiet, distrusting woman who lived her life in a bottle. Today I am outgoing, believe in miracles, love my family & AA friends/family and life.
All the tough stuff I went through during my life at someone else's hand and the things I did that shamed me or hurt others then are all useful tools to help someone else to recover. It's not that I'm proud of them, but now they have a use for a good purpose now.
There is so much to look forward to today. The future is full of endless possibilities and opportunities.
Keep coming back, it works, it really does. And it will get better.
-- Edited by Returned_Here at 16:55, 2008-07-27
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Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day. I love you. ~ GOD *****
Hi Stephanie. Welcome to MIP. I'm Jennifer, Alcoholic.
Thank you for sharing your story. You & I have much in common...
...the first time I ever had beer I was about 9 months old, the doctors told my mother it would help with my kidney infections. The first time I ever got drunk I was 6. I truely believe today that I was born to be an alcoholic.
Again, thank you for sharing and I hope you'll hang around here There are some really awesome folks with some really awesome recovery. (and we get our share of drama too *wink).
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Thankyou for your Share & Welcome to MIP, Stephanie. I love what you have to say & your energy & inspiration shines out & speaks to me. I'm proud to meet you as extended AA family too & I hope you keep coming back. I'm 31, 21mths sober & love AA like you. It has changed my life. It changes me & this in turn changes my life, my relationships, my confidence, my love through a Higher Power & my ultimate enjoyment in living. I'm grateful I don't need to drink today. It's been wonderful to read your posts. Thanks for being here. Have a wonderful, sober, serene & happy day no matter what happens. I'm glad you found a way out of all the pain & hardships you've experienced. God bless you & keep you in any difficulties you may have today. Thanks for being a fantastic example to me, Daniella x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Thank you. I reflect onto my (what I call) Freudian slips. My mother was an alcoholic and drank with my during her pregnancy. I have made jokes to my drinking friends....I had vodka at the nipple. HMMM...sick. It runs through my family. The interesting part is that I grew up going to meetings with my siblings, witnessing some of them in rehab. Now, here I am. Thank you for your post.
Thank you so much for sharing! Someone is trying to tell me something from above!!!! Hearing alot of leads lately and I know it is a reminder of where I have been and where I dont want to go! Youve added some awesome ES and Hope to this site! Thanks for sharing a part of you!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Thanks Dean....I appreciate the feedback...and the kind words. I hope to stay, learn and share. :)
Daniella, I look forward to being on the board and to looking around at all the posts and learning more from & about everyone - everyone has something to share of their experience and I'm looking forward to reading more about yours too. Thank you for your sweet kindness.
Surfergirl, I'm glad you're in recovery....it gives me the opportunity to meet you! :) Thanks for sharing!
Lani, Thank you for your feedback and for being so kind. You help make sharing a blessing.
I hope you all have a great week. I had to go to the doc today, (blood pressure), and tried to learn all I could about it on the net.
Thanks again everyone! Stephanie
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Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day. I love you. ~ GOD *****
