"If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it ......." AA BigBook CH 5 "How It Works"
There's a woman in my HG, mid to late 40's. She's been in the program a little over a year and every single (and I mean EVERY) meeting she whines and cries about how she struggles everyday. There's alcohol in the fridge & cabinets at home b/c her husband drinks daily. He gives her a very hard time about coming to meetings and apparently taunts & teases her about sobriety. She has been absolutely miserable over this past year......She stopped coming to meetings a couple months back, but today she came at noon, shared about relapsing, cried and whined about the alcohol at home and her husband, same story as always. She also told us she's never gotten a sponsor and really wasn't working the program.....In the past when she shared about her husband and the difficulty he purposely causes, I would find myself thinking "I'd leave that SOB so F'ing fast........." But today, it occured to me that it's easy for ME to have those thoughts, I'm not in that situation. Then I wondered if I were in it, would I leave my husband in order to stay sober. I know I've had to distance myself from my son because I can resent him very quickly and I believe today that the BB is correct "resentment is the #1 offender"- (took me a couple times).
Sooooo, I was curious, would you leave a spouse, child, parent, quit a job, move, etc, etc....or have you ever done any of these?
~ Peace
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
"Sooooo, I was curious, would you leave a spouse, child, parent, quit a job, move, etc, etc....or have you ever done any of these?"
yes, I would and actually did. I was in the same position as that lady. My X would not honor my request to not drink or keep alcohol in the house. She said "it's your problem not mine". That went on for 2 years and I couldn't get more than 2 months sober while steadily attending meetings. I too did not have a real sponsor, work steps, go to step study/big book/men's meetings...
I was construction manager and had to be on the job at 6:30 am with a 40 min drive so I was getting up around 4:45am. My X was in college for 6 years while I worked two jobs. She would go out drinking and many times not come home till 3-4 am. I asked her wtf are doing out till 4am when the bars close at 2am? I warned her that I was going to have to make a decesion between her and my sobriety if this continued. Well the very next week she came rolling in just about the time I got up for work. I had her moved out that day. I'll never forget the call I made, in front of her, to her father. I said "prepare your guest room" lol. That's when I was able to make a serious commitment to my sobriety.
So I have a saying when topics like this come up. Often relationships won't last sobriety, or sobriety won't last the relationship in early recovery. People who are married or in a serious relationship will have to work extra hard to keep the focus and priorities on themselves and thier program.
"Whatever you put in front of your sobriety, you will lose anyway if you drink".
""Whatever you put in front of your sobriety, you will lose anyway if you drink".
Amen to that.......Ya know, for whatever reason this has been on my mind all day and I haven't been able to shake it......
More being revealed?
I left and divorced my husband many years ago, because at the time I thought if HE didn't drink so much then neither would I. Then when I realized he wasn't going to change I decided if I was no longer with him then I wouldn't drink so much. Good one, huh! But, I didn't know what I didn't know....And it has just occured to me that being an enabling co-dependent on top of an alcoholic, I don't think I would have ever made it to AA or be sober today (or maybe even be alive) had I not left him all those years ago.......
Thanks so much for sharing, Dean.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Doll wrote:Sooooo, I was curious, would you leave a spouse, child, parent, quit a job, move, etc, etc....or have you ever done any of these?
When I came into AA, I had already lost/trashed my relationship with my children, my parents were both deceased, the rest of my family wasn't speaking to me either...but, after being in AA and working the steps, things started changing. I got back the love and respect of my children and my family. My chldren were grown and living on their own.
I hadn't told my children or family I was in AA, they just saw a difference. Later, I decided to open up and tell the truth. I started with my daughter, and that ended up a good thing. Then I told my son...not so good. He blasted me with, "You are NOT an Alcoholic!!" Then he proceeded to tell me that if I was an alcoholic, he never wanted to be around me again. (He was 23 at the time.) I swallowed hard. Did I tell him that he was right and lie, or did I continue the truth at the risk of loosing him? I knew what I had to do and I told him the truth. It took a while, but he finally accepted it.
Another thing that I gave up was an engagement. I was engaged a couple of years after I got sober. The wedding was scheduled and was about 9 months away. I started seeing character traits in him shortly after the engagement that worried me, but I thought that maybe I was being overly critical. Maybe I was just nervous. Each time these things happened, I tried to ignore it, or talk it over with someone in the program. I got conflicting views on it from them.
Time moved closer and closer to the marriage date. A month before the wedding, the honeymoon was scheduled, the rings chosen and bought, things escallated and I saw not just bad behavior, but unacceptable behavior. I went to work stewing over what I had experienced. At work I contemplated, that maybe I should ask him to go to counceling, but another part of me was angry, hurt, betrayed, and frustrated. For the first time in over a year and a half, I wanted a drink. I didn't call anyone that day. I knew if I did they'd try to talk me out of it.
All day I plotted to drive straight to the liquor store after work and buy a quart of tequilla and a 6 pack immediately after work. When work ended, I got in the car and started driving toward home, knowing the liquor store was on the way and I was going there first before I got home. I stewed and fussed in my mind over what happened. I grumbled and wondered how someone could be so callous. I fumed and saw the scenes replay in my head, over and over....and suddenly, without warning, I was pulling up to my driveway. What happened? Better yet, in front of me was my soon to be husband's car and him walking toward my car. I turned off the car and opened the door.
"Hi honey," he said, "Have a nice day?"
"No. I didn't." I said, "It sucked. I thought about drinking all day. I plotted it, planned it and had it on my mind all day and I will never do that again. I said a long time ago that anything, absolutely anything that gets between me and my sobriety has got to go. We're through. You've got to go." I took off my ring and handed it back to him and he got in his car and left. I knew that on the way home from work that God had done for me what I couldn't do for myself and I've never forgotten that.
It was hard afterward, because I did love him, but not more than my sobriety and not more than I had learned to love and respect myself. He had to go.
Since then I have had another failed relationship - that even turned into the quickest marriage & divorce that I ever thought I'd have, but I've never thought about or plot and planned to drink again.
If I loose my sobriety, I loose everything...including my children, my family, myself and my relationship with my HP. Nothing is worth that, ever again.
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Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day. I love you. ~ GOD *****
How did I miss this post!!!!! Some great comments...I shall keep mine to myself until a better time!!!! lol
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
