I had been putting off my 8th Step due to the fact that I am not willing to make amends to them all. I had it my head that if I couldn't include everyone then what was the point of even listing only some. I have spent much time praying and asking for willingness. So, not so long ago, I got out my paper and pen and made 3 columns: 1) Yes 2) Eventually 3) No way in f'in Hell and proceeded to write the names under the 'appropriate' columns. My plan was to eventually be able to move the names over to the previous column until they all were under "Yes". I figured doing something was better than doing nothing at all. And in the meantime I would start on Step 9 for those under the "yes" column.
I have since been able to communicate with my dad, who not only forgave me but went on to tell me how proud he is of me, same with my John and my son. About 8 months or so back obviously way premature 9th step but I had the opportunity to talk with ex-hubby and decided I may never get another chance so I did my best to admit my wrongs to him......
Now, I'm having nightmares! Haven't had a restful night's sleep in over a week now. Upon waking I am filled with guilt and uneasiness (almost the same feelings as when I've had drinking dreams) and the the dreams are not even about the people on my list or those particular amends. It's totally off the wall stuff, that once I become fully awake, I don't even remember. But that feeling of 'dread' sticks with me all day!
Of course, as usual, I haven't been able to talk to with my sponsor. Between her job and the holiday she's been out of town! So, I'm bringing this to you.....
What should I do? If I don't get some rest soon my head is going to explode, literally!
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I'm a newbie, so I don't have any big advice. But I can identify with what you're going through. Since sobering up, I've fought the nightmare battle too.
What I've been told is that our nightmares are the mind's way of dealing with things we can't consciously process yet. So in a sense, they aren't all bad. They are an indication that change in underway.
Take care of yourself. I hope you find some peace.
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"Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the light, even though for the moment you do not see."
Doll, I've had my share of sleeping issues. Take a look at your eating schedule and make sure that you're eating at least 3-4 hours before going to bed. Look at your sugar and caffiene intake and cut down. Exercise more if you can. Don't think about serious issues (keep it positive) in the hours before bed, including what you're watching on tv. When you wake up try to keep your mind off what you dreamed about for 10 minutes or so. The brain has a built in mechanism to help us forget about our dreams so that we don't confuse them with reality. Don't dwell on it.
blacksheep, You've reminded me that I went through similar dreams when I was working on 4th step, maybe there is something to that whole subconscience thing.
Dean, my eating is terrible as of late, waaaayyyy to much sugar (I've become addicted to chocolate pudding --- uggghh!), certainly not getting enough exercise with these new found ruptured disks and I watch CSI Miami/Law & Order/ type shows in bed!
Will be making my usual Sunday morning meeting today, then plan to do a little overdue yardwork......time to change my routine!
Thanks, guys!
(((hugs)))
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
those tv shows (I watch forensic files, mrs dean calls A&E "the killing channell" LOL) usually invole women as the victims. My wife was complaning about bad dreams so I stopped watching them at night. Do you have any animals (the four legged kind lol) that sleep with you? That's the second most common cause of sleep issues behind watching tv in bed.
Hey Doll Good for you working the steps!!!!! It will happen when its suppose to...the amends part!!! The great part is, they are only dreams! I too have funky dreams and have never been able to remember them until recently. Disturbing at times but Im thankful that at least now Im not so "passed out" that I cant remember them!
Hang in there! You are doing such a great job!!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Hey I used to have bad dreams when i watched the Sopranos so I stopped watching them. I keep being tempted to buy the series and watch them in secret :) Must be my inner malevolence trying to sneak out. :)
Doll, often when people stall on a step two things are going on.
First we have to keep working SOME step. If we stop on one, we must continue with others. You can go back to one two three but actually you are to pick up 10 11 and 12 at this stage. The book says we commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past or something to that effect.
I actually group 10 and 11 together under the following directive. I'm not sure if thats right but thats how I work them when in a jam. Its a great recipe for growth in sobriety.
emphasis on the words are mine.
This thought brings us to Step Ten, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commenced this way of livingaswe cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code. The practice of step ten is to help identify problems going forward. I should mention that whenever someone is having problems with a step it is often because the previous one could use a little refinement. If this is the case a scenario similar to this might exist.
I owe an amend for stealing someones chocolate pudding.
I refuse to ever do this.
On looking at step seven (the step previous to 8 in this instance) I find I have not seen the gravity of my chocolate pudding and its effect on others.
I see the ugly fruit of the errors of my way
I become humble instead of haughty over this issue.
I become willing and sincerely ask God to remove this shortcoming.
I have forgotten about my never ever amend but eventually it comes back up in God's time. I find that with the Chocolate pudding obsession removed or at least severly dented by humility that I am no longer unwilling to make the amend and in fact can imagine doing it sincerly instead of grudgingly.
