Detachment doesn't come naturally for many of us. But once we realize the value of this recovery principle, we understand how vital detachment is. The following story illustrates how a woman came to understand detachment.
"The first time I practiced detachment was when I let go of my alcoholic husband. He had been drinking for seven years -since I had married him. For that long, I had been denying his alcoholism and trying to make him stop drinking.
"I did outrageous things to make him stop drinking, to make him see the light, to make him realize how much he was hurting me. I really thought I was doing things right by trying to control him.
"One night, I saw things clearly. I realized that my attempts to control him would never solve the problem. I also saw that my life was unmanageable. I couldn't make him do anything he didn't want to do. His alcoholism was controlling me, even though I wasn't drinking.
"I set him free, to do as he chose. The truth is, he did as he pleased anyway. Things changed the night I detached. He could feel it, and so could I. When I set him free, I set myself free to live my own life.
"I've had to practice the principle of detachment many times since then. I've had to detach from unhealthy people and healthy people. It's never failed. Detachment works."
Detachment is a gift. It will be given to us when we're ready for it. When we set the other person free, we are set free.
Today, wherever possible, I will detach in love.
From The Language of Letting Go
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Thanks for posting this today, Qx I'm at a point in my recovery where detaching is becoming necessary. It's at an awkward time cuz it's regarding my 2 sisters at two difficult points in their lives. My youngest sister has a young son & has been struggling (imho) with the disease of addiction (ism). My other younger sister (imho) is also dysfunctional & full of selfwill in her attitude to others. She has had a disability & lived with enduring pain as a result of all through her teenage years & adulthood. She has recently at the age of 29 had a hip operation & is housebound for the moment recovering.
My youngest sister 27 recently called at 3am in the morn declaring herself in trouble & owing money. She didn't ask explicitly & I didn't offer re financial help except to offer we could talk if she would tell me honestly what was going on. She didn't & rang off. She has been to one meeting with me a few weeks ago & didn't like it. I have to agree it wasn't an easy meeting for a newcomer & nobody shared to welcome her instead choosing to fawn over the person in the chair who had 8yrs clean & sober (I was ashamed for this but hadn't had the guts myself to come in early to welcome her & help others to be mindful to too) They still mightn't but I've seen them welcome so many other newcomers!
Anyways, 29yr old sister consistently has always been mean tempered & rude towards me & I have done everything for my part to make myself easier to get along with in recovery though by no means do I get this right all the time. It is a characer trait for her to be this way except with our StepDad. The youngest sister is frequently resentful of everything & everyone & both have constantly bad mouthed the other to me whilst I then defended each of them to the other.
A couple of weeks ago I decided it wasn't good for me to do this any more as it led to further conflict. My family are never the types to say 'hmmmm, I see your point' & I've had to learn some humility in ceasing to fight anyone or anything. I feel I have to take this another step further now & stop calling my sisters as it is obvious neither of them wish to have anything to do with recovery or anything I have said about it.
I'm afraid I must come across as quite self righteous sometimes even in trying to be a better person. I must be annoying like in a goody two shoes way. I've never been able to tell it like it is the way they do. Their wills & attack/defence systems are really strong. I think mine are feeble hence my admitting powerlessness before & now.
Basically, last time we spoke, I put the phone down on my 29yrs sister after her saying I was mean for not giving our youngest sister money to stop her getting a beating (I don't know who from but can assume it's over drugs) she seemed to think my motive was because she wouldn't go to meetings. She said 'You go to every meeting there is & you're addicted to them' She said that she had stopped gambling on her own so our sister could stop using. Her tone was spiteful & angry when I said that I'd offered recovery to her & it was this that had offended me.
I wasn't prepared to accept her attitude of thinking that I was in the wrong in the way I have chosen to deal with my drinking problem. She said it might work for me but it's not for everyone. My sisters don't observe any decency in a good intention so I'm detaching cuz my wanting the best for them by my reckoning seems selfish & selfwilled of me.
I put the phone down after I asked my sister why she was speaking to me like a piece of shit & she said 'BECAUSE BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH' I didn't couldn't want to listen to any more. Yeah, recovery must be really annoying. Asking what one's own part in everything is.... I agree. It is pretty frustrating. But, just for today, I'm letting go of my sisters because everything I say comes across as willful in its 'overly helpful or controlling way'. Until I am able to just be there & abstain from giving any unillicited opinion I cannot go chasing them approaching them first (again)
I'm sorry my sister has had a serious & deeply painful operation but I can't let her continue to use me as some sort of emotional punchbag where she can accuse me of whatever bad intention she likes & my other sister only calls when she really needs something. Both are selfish in their ways & I'm thinking in order to truly let go & not try & fix either of them in any way I am gong to hang back & stop tryinh to earn their friendship with unconditional love. I am detaching because their worlds do not & don't have to revolve around me. If they want to know they can call but I'm putting me first just for today.
These might sound like the words of a hurt woman & I don't want to appear selfish & egotistic but I am going to practice an opposite in this instance & do nothing. I am sorry it has come after putting the phone down & that I put the phone down in the first place but I have been the one to try & smooth things over with apologies for my part constantly in the past & I think it has resulted in my coming across as weak & a bit of a doormat cuz none have ever been reciprocated. Now, I want to learn how to set my first boundaries in recovery by showing in my actions what I am prepared to accept from my family without the self centered fear of the loss of their love. I'm allowing myself to actually fall out &/or away from them thus allowing space for them to try if they wish.
If this isn't the right thing to do or I'm going arse about face, I don't know. I'm just glad to let go of my attachment to them & look after myself properly instead. They each have their own Higher Power & guess what? It isn't me. What a relief. I have to do things differently today cuz if I keep doing what I have done before I will keep getting what I have had before. I thank AA for these continued new beginnings. If anyone has any words to suggest in setting me right if I'm off beam here they are welcome. More will be revealed. Thanks for letting me share & helping me stay sober one more day, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
