When we meet someone for the first time, we often create a defining image in our minds of who that person is. We may also determine whether or not that someone is worth getting to know. Sometimes when an initial interaction is particularly uncomfortable or challenging, we can decide to close our hearts to this new acquaintance entirely. But being too quick to judge can cause us to lose out on a potentially wonderful, enriching relationship. First impressions dont always give the complete picture, so if you meet someone who leaves you less than impressed, consider giving them a second chance. You might be pleasantly surprised.
Everyone deserves to be given a second chance. We know from personal experience how painful it can feel to be misunderstood or judged. We have good hearts and want them to be seen. We have so much to offer and want others to welcome our gifts. When someone shuts us out before they even know who we are, it can feel frustrating, hurtful, and confusing. By giving others a second chance, we can extend the same courtesy we would ask for ourselves. In this way, we set a precedent for all our relationships: to allow everyone the freedom and safety to simply be human. Whether it is a blind date, the man sitting next to you on the airplane, or your new neighbor, everyone has a full life outside of their interaction with you. They may be preoccupied with a personal or business situation that affects the way they are presenting themselves, or maybe they had a rough day or some bad news. If you give them the room to be who they are, where they are, you will allow yourself to do the same.
When you are considering giving someone a second chance, first check in with your inner knowing. If you find that your intuition is advising you to keep your distance, it is important to honor the guidance you receive. By honoring your intuition when it has wisdom to share, you can feel confident and happy in your decision to give others a second chance.
I love the knowledge that a person has a full life outside of their interaction with me. I find that really interesting & reassuring. It helps me stretch my mind & imagination to take in anything they say to me in a wider context. I hate generalisations & rarely try to do it. If I do I simply know that that's what I'm doing & I try not to have it count for too much. The confusing difficulty is that a certain level of generalising is useful in observations of the world as long as we know there's a bigger & differing picture too. Another difficulty for me is that because I've tried to have an open mind for sooooo long, nothing has seemed to stick! I'm woking on this now. It's one of my challenges in recovery. To learn how to learn & let info stick without me becoming prejudiced. Challenge indeed. The difference between presupposing & actually having a clue what's going on !
I've often, from a young age, known that how a person could see me in a snapshot could be so misleading in comparison to how I am or can be from a wider view & have always tried to give the benefit of this insight to others in turn too. Treating others as one would like to be treated. What I'm not always good at is accepting others exactly as I find them just for that moment. In particularly if that person has a questionable lifestyle i.e. Isn't sober like me when I think they should be! The arrogance of me lol
Moreover than my acceptance of others though & giving others *second chances* is my emerging & continuing need to allow myself these *second chances* too. I'm changing slowly all the time & with recovery the scope for those changes can be quite dramatic so I have to be prepared to allow myself to change & accept me in a way that breaks away from any preconcieved faulty thinking thoughts I've had of myself. Isn't that a fantastic thought! BIG UP FOR RECOVERY! Keep coming back all you Newcomers ~ It keeps getting better ;) Thanks for posting this, Chris ~ Daniella x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Hi girlies... Great Post Chris and glad to see you around again! I especially like what Danielle pointed out...Giving ourselves a second chance!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Thanks Wren. I am doing my Alanon 4th step with someone long distance. We started last summer and then she moved. I appreciate that she continues with me to make that commitment to finish. Anyway, last night we were doing our topic. She said can I tell you something? She said when I first met you I didn't think you were very approachable in the Alanon meeting (small meetings where we were going). I said I remember that you said, oh there is no one here, I think I will go back to the AA meeting, I get more out of the meeting. She said, now that I know you, you are approachable. There is nothing you can do about first impressions.
Ok, bear with me while I try to put this into coherant words. It's hard to believe, in the beginning, that we do deserve those second chances. We hold ourselves accountable for things we did, or are doing, so steadily. I didn't get sick overnight, and I won't get well overnight. In fact, I imagine that wellness is a journey, a constant forever journey. I need more than just a second chance, at times I need several chances, just trying to get it right (whatever right is this week.) I try to remember, I am a child in this universe, and no matter how often I fall, just the fact that I get back up shows I have enough faith in myself to "give it another chance". I'll never completely heal if I don't stop picking at those accursed scabs on my knees from falling down, in reference to my expectations. So, I figure that every night that I go to bed sober and get up still sober, that's a chance gifted to me right there. Doesn't get any better than that, and when it does? (this is for Dean---I"ll figure out a way to complicate it!). Gratitude and surrender, gratitude and surrender...hugs wren
One thing about someone else's first impressions? I never really know what they are and when all is said and done, I doubt they'll effect me one way or the other. I can't hold myself responsible for someone elses' ideas of just who I am. I mean, yeah, if I come up and get in their face or something, I'll hold myself responsible for that. Otherwise, I need to remind myself that I am right there, and they can approach me, get to know me, or not. Kind of like all these tatoos I have. Depending on where we are going, I may wear long sleeves or bring along a sleeved shirt so that people dont do a snap judgement on me due to their limited thinking. It's amazing, once someone gets to know who I am, and the shirt sleeves come off, how accepting they can be. But I can't alter someone elses way of perceiving me. Which means, to do so, I may have to compromise my self, and I don't like doing that. I will, if it's necessary I suppose, but mostly, I'm kind of an " I am who I am" person, without being overtly defient about it. Sometimes just shyness can be perceived as aloofness because of someone elses insecurities, and that's too bad. I'm not aloof, but I can be incredibly shy in person. That has been misread before. But, it's all good, and things happen in their own time.... hugs, Chris
In early sobriety I was getting my business started and was having a hard time with the rejection that occurs in sales appointments. I took it personally when my potential customers decided not to hire me. I remember complaining to my sponsor and he asked "why do you think that you feel badly about it?". I thought for a minute and said that I took it that they didn't like me. He then said that that was something that I had little control over. He pointed out the various aspects of my person and said that some people may not like younger people (29 at the time) or people with blonde hair, or that I'm a male, ride a motorcycle.... bottom line is not everyone is going to like us and that's not our problem. The other thing is that a lot of people reserve judgement and don't "warm up" to people right away. So we may take that as rejection or as a negative. It usually takes several meetings with a new person for them to get an idea of who and what we are about. Our ego wants immediate feedback, but it usually doesn't work that way. We're just not that important. I think that this is a prime example of how our ego can lead to low self esteem.
