I am doing it again!!!!!!!!

Jenny · Member

I am doing it again!!!!!!!!

TLH · MIP Old Timer

Jenny wrote:

Here is what i don't get. Everyone is saing it is a diseale, like cancer or something. But you can't help cancer. i could help drinking.

Jenny wrote:

i could help drinking.

My knee jerk reaction is to reply, "Sayin' aint doin'" but that would be mean spirited and cruel. But the truth (to many people anyhow) is that many people are predisposed to addiction for many reasons, and without AA or some serious help most simply cannot help drinking- or at the very least have an extremely difficult time with it.

A pretty widely held belief is that binge drinkers can help drinking the first one- but after that, maybe they (we) can't help it so much.

Just this afternoon I was reading a couple super exciting substance abuse related books (I am totally boring some Sundays- these aren't exactly Dennis Lehane!) and I kept running across interesting stuff that I wanted to post here. (most of which I probably will, but as it isn't really relevant to the topic at hand I'll post it elsewhere.)

Anyhow, basically what the one thing I ran across was talking about the progressive nature of alcoholism and how little by little it messes with the "reward system" in your brain that gives you pleasure. So a person like myself who messed up his system a little by drinking alcohol has a really hard time getting to where I feel "right" without drinking (but less and less with time, actually- dramatically, the longer I'm sober the more that seems like ancient history.) It's actually (according to many people) a physiological thing- I have a lot of willpower, but with my acquired (or possibly genetic- jury is out on that) predisposition to alcohol things are not exactly skewed in favor of me staying sober.

BUT- the longer I'm sober, the more trivial that whole idea seems, and going to AA and listening to newcomers and sometimes sharing my thoughts helps keep me connected to where I'll be if I pick up again.

I'm a strong willed son-of-a-bitch, no doubt about it. Historically I do what I want and rise to challenges, don't ask for help and get things done on my own. In my alcoholism and my sobriety that particular trait isn't a huge advantage, actually. The phrase "too smart for my own good" comes to mind regularly. A lot of my childhood friends were doing Heroin and speed back in the day and didn't make it past the eighties. I found hard drugs to be a cakewalk and I tried them and got bored and quit them pretty quick. Booze was always my thing. I liked being legit and not having to worry too much about the law (The crew I ran with when I was a kid used to tell me I'm too small to go to prison!) But anyone who says alcoholism is a willpower thing should walk a while in my shoes, because that stupid, innocuous liquid that can be bought over the counter and consumed in front of everyone at the dinner table just flat brought me to my knees.

Were I in your shoes I'd try to find a couple free hours to get to a meeting or see a professional and try to get a little piece of mind, a tentative short term game plan.

Hang in there. Things get better.

TLH · MIP Old Timer

P.S. Not a disease like cancer- a disease like Emphysema from smoking or heart disease from eating poorly, for instance.

Jenny · Member

I just feel as though a disease is not my fault. Drinking is my fault. But plaese could you tell me do i actually have a disease. Is it a brain disease? I hopre you see what i am saying. is there something making me do this or keepining me do this. Gosh i am a fairly bright girl, a good mother. How could I be so weak? Sometimes I think I should sit down my husband and let it all out but i cna't /.. i am afraid he will hate me. i am afraid of the shame. i am just afraid all of the time.
Jen

Jenny · Member

i feel that I need to talk to someone. If I could call somebody who is willing to listen to me whining, email me
icemom30@aol.com
with your number as long as you are in the usa i have unlimeted long distance.
thank you
Jen

TLH · MIP Old Timer

I have a very close friend on the mainland who was detoxing on his own and I was very worried about him, and I called the local AA hotline near his home and they were super nice and very helpful, and they not only called him and talked to him but a guy asked him if he needed someone to come hang out and he said yeah, and this guy went over and hung out with him and made sure he was Ok and safe. Very nice people work AA hotlines, in my experience.

I'm nopt certain if this is your locale- if it isn't google your locale and "AA hotline" and something should come up. Local AA Hotline: (814) 237-3757

TLH · MIP Old Timer

Jenny wrote:

I just feel as though a disease is not my fault. Drinking is my fault. But plaese could you tell me do i actually have a disease. Is it a brain disease? I hopre you see what i am saying. is there something making me do this or keepining me do this. Gosh i am a fairly bright girl, a good mother. How could I be so weak? Sometimes I think I should sit down my husband and let it all out but i cna't /.. i am afraid he will hate me. i am afraid of the shame. i am just afraid all of the time.
Jen

Not exactly a disease like Cancer or typhoid or anything so sharply immediate like that. Some people just hear the word disease and think "Cancer".

Here's the wiki info (disclaimer: which some people would argue isn't complete or totally verifiable.)

Alcoholism is a term with multiple and sometimes conflicting definitions. In common and historic usage, alcoholism refers to any condition that results in the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages despite the health problems and negative social consequences it causes. Medical definitions describe alcoholism as a disease which results in a persistent use of alcohol despite negative consequences. Alcoholism may also refer to a preoccupation with or compulsion toward the consumption of alcohol and/or an impaired ability to recognize the negative effects of excessive alcohol consumption. Although not all of these definitions specify current and on-going use of alcohol as a qualifier, some do, as well as remarking on the long-term effects of consistent, heavy alcohol use, including dependence and symptoms of withdrawal.

While the ingestion of alcohol is, by definition, necessary to develop alcoholism, the use of alcohol does not predict the development of alcoholism. The quantity, frequency and regularity of alcohol consumption required to develop alcoholism varies greatly from person to person. In addition, although the biological mechanisms underpinning alcoholism are uncertain, some risk factors, including social environment, emotional health and genetic predisposition, have been identified.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcoholism

Jenny · Member

TLH thank you
you are very helpful. but why do you look so sad in your picture?
Jen

Jenny · Member

Oh another question??? I have been drinking about a 12 pack a day. When I stop, and I will stop. Will I go through withdrawl sicknesss? And if so does it take a few days or not. I am hoplessley planning my revovery.
thank you
Jen

TLH · MIP Old Timer

The guy in the picture is not actually me- thats "E" from the Eels.

I don't know very much about going through withdrawal, but I have been told that it varies from person to person and how much and for how long you have been drinking. If it's any help- I probably drank a comparable amount for my weight and height and I never experienced any really bad withdrawals- just hung over and then kind of sluggish for a couple days, then better and better henceforth.

In sobriety colds and flu seem totally unfair. Hangover without the drink.

jonijoni · MIP Old Timer

Jenny, pick up a copy of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous". It will answer all your questions about the disease-aspect of alcoholism.

here is the link to the book where you can read it online.

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

"The Doctor's Opinion" and "More About Alcoholism" may help a lot. I would suggest reading the "Big Book" chronologically, starting form page 1. You have nothing to lose but this terrible malady.

Let us know how the things explained in the book relate to you. This is the best way to figure out if you are an alcoholic, and the only way I know to arrest the obsession of drinking.

lani · MIP Old Timer

Hey Jenny
Good idea about sitting down with your husband...He probably already knows your drinking to much anyways. Once you say it out loud it becomes more real and you can start dealing with it! Then get to some meetings and just listen.
I found it helpful to say Im not drinking today. I can have one tomorrow. Would do the same the next day and so on. Pretty soon I strung together a few 24 hours without drinking....

I too thought I was a good mother until I quit drinking and realized, "I really messed up my kids!!!"
Just wasnt all there!!!!

Good luck!!!

jc2008 · Veteran Member

As I said in response to your earlier post, you are welcome here. You are not a whiner, or a loser. You are an alcoholic in great pain, the same pain I felt 3 months ago when I started posting here and going to meetings. My husband found my stash of bottles and confronted me. I thought I was keeping it together, being a good wife & mother, despite my drinking. Turns out I wasn't doing such a good job after all. Sure, my kids were dressed in clean clothes and well fed, I went to work every day, I didn't wreck my car. But I was living a lie, feeling like a fraud, and hating myself. I thought my drinking was a moral failing. After all, why would someone like me, with so much to live for, do something as self destructive and stupid as drink all the time when I knew I could lose everything? Didn't I love my kids? Why would I want to be anything like my alcoholic father, uncle, grandmother, who all destroyed their lives in front of me? The answer is simple: I am an alcoholic. It isn't about morality, or virtue, or intelligence. For whatever reason -- and it no longer matters to me what the reason is -- I am obsessed with the idea of drinking, and when I start I cannot stop. I have no free will when I'm drinking. But I do have free will to reach out, ask for help, go to meetings, and try to follow the simple advice of people in AA. When I do that, I'm able to be honest with myself, and I'm able to stay away from a drink. Sometimes it's a minute at a time, sometimes an hour, sometimes a day. But it's working. And it's not just about stopping drinking. I've started to realize that I've been empty inside for a long time. I don't really know who I am, and the little that I do know, I don't particularly like. A lot of people, though, believe that there is good in me, and have gently urged me to start exploring who I am. It's terrifying, but it's such a gift, too. I don't have to go through life in a fog, running away from myself. I don't have to destroy myself and lose everything. You don't either. You are not a bad person. You are not weak. You have a disease. Unlike cancer, or other diseases, though, you can get better, for free, and you'll feel better than you ever have before. Let the people in AA, and here, help you and love you. Give it a chance. You are worth it.

Jen

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

I wish I could write like that ^^^^^^^ *tearing up*. Just beautiful Jen, I hope that you'll write a book when the time comes.

Dean