I am new in here

Jenny · Member

I am new in here

Jenny · Member

Oh also, i see that alot of you now like to have some chocolate. i have no sweet tooth what so ever. is this a problem too?

TLH · MIP Old Timer

Hi! I'm totally not the best spokesperson for normalcy, so I don't know if it's a mixed blessing that I relate to you, but that sounds pretty familiar. At six a.m. I would swear I wasn't going to drink that day and I'd do pretty good til about two in the afternoon, when I'd begin thinking that maybe one more time wouldn't kill me. Sure enough by five I'd be having a few beers. That 9 p.m. stuff is tough. That's bed time for me. I used to purposefully go do stuff until seven, because I knew if I stayed out til seven I was pretty much home free. I was a real happy hour drinker. Weird but I think I'm a little pavlovian like that- if I wasn't well lubricated by seven I just was past my peak drinking hour.

For me the guilt and remorse probably had as much to do with the alcohol being a super-depressant as it did anything else. I also liked to see a few beers more than I could drink in there. If I was short beers I'd like a bottle of wine or Sake in there for a back-up.

In the beginning I managed to hold things together (I'd never call myself a "high-functioning" alcoholic, because I get sort of scattered a lot of the time dead sober) and I met my obligations, but I've read that the disease is progressive, and sure enough I held stuff together less and less as my career in drinking followed it's depressing path. The first couple times around I didn't really see my life as out of control, but the last couple times there was no denying it.

Today I try to keep it simple. I have one priority- that I don't drink the first one. I don't buy booze. It's tough sometimes, but as time passes not so much. But really it's that first one rule that helps me. I'm a binge drinker, and when I drink I inevitably drink til I black out. Maybe I could drink just three one day, if I were totally saturated from a night of heavy drinking the night before. But I couldn't drink just three beers three nights in a row. So for me not drinking the first one means a lot, even if it sounds like a cliche.

I think the chocolate thing skipped me. I think maybe it has a lot to do with the compulsive nature of addiction, and a newly recovered person's need to have something in their hand, doing something. I drink tea like a fiend. Barring that I have a sierra mist in my hand, barring that a waterbottle. I think chocolate is pretty common though, but I'm no expert.

So anyhow- I totally relate to you. Can I help? There are more people here who can help more, I'd imagine. But I'll tell you- in all the times I've been feeling like things are really terrible, it's never been as bad as it seems. If I have two arms and two legs and a heartbeat, I'm like 95% OK.

I avoided AA for a super long time, and was the worst for it. I just prolonged my bad stuff and when I finally went it wasn't really any big deal. But I do find that AA helps me stay sober. It's my anchor- I know if I'm going to AA I don't want to be drinking, I want to be able to go in and say I managed to navigate another day in my life without drinking. My life is pretty chaotic at times, and drinking just made it more so. There's no problem in the world that alcohol cant make worse.

AA also helps me in that I get a chance to listen to some people talk about their experiences and it keeps me humbled and focused, because it's super easy for me to begin thinking dumb thoughts again about picking up a drink- for me it's not like thinking that I could use moderation- for me I just get to a point sometimes when I want to say that I just don't give a damn. Totally stupid for me, but it's just a deeply ingrained flaw in my self esteem. ;) Or something like that.

Anyhow- I think of it like an allergy. If you eat crab and it makes your eyes swell shut, you don't eat crab anymore. But as far as I've been told alcoholism is the only disease that convinces you that you don't have it. But I am loads happier not drinking.

Stick around. There's a ton of people here with better insight than I have, who have done all this a lot longer.

Take care- hang in there- Toby

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hi Jenny,

Welcome to the board. I also only drank beer daily for the last 6-8 years. I knew that drinking was a problem for me for longer than that but it took some negative consequences
to convince me that it was time to quit. These manifest themselves as issues with our health, feedom, and our sanity. At 29, health issues hadn't really caught up to me (although I found out after I got sober that I had liver disease). I had gotten a couple of DUI's, that I was able to beat in court, but the judge said "the next time...". But What scared me the most was the loss of my sanity, which was happening and my mother was a glaring example of what that might look like for me. Another indicator was the end of my marriage and the
issues of losing my "designated driver" (wife) and wanting to be able to see my 2 year old son through visitation and him not having to grow up with a drunk for a dad (like I did).

You're fortunate that your husband doesn't drink. My wife at that time did, and didn't want any part of helping me to quit by way of not drinking (or keeping alcohol) in the house. I started attending AA meetings regularly and was beginning to understand what was causing me to drink and getting a handle on the nature of my problems and the origins etc... but I was not able to stay sober for more than a coupule months for the first two years, while
trying to remain married to my drinking spouse.

As soon as we split up ('89) I've been sober ever since. Basically I drank because I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. I suffered for low self esteem, guilt, and deppression.
Drinking relieved the feelings but it was a viscious circle and I was a slave to it. Getting sober without help is very difficult, but about 73 years ago two alcoholic men got together to support each other while getting sober and this is their story.

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

I hope that you'll read this book and consider going to some AA meetings. You can find a list of meetings in your area on line http://www.sobrietyonline.org/meetings/aa-meetings-town.php or you can call the AA phone number in your white pages phone book and
a recoverying alcoholic will talk to you, tell you where and when meetings are, and (if you'd like) arrange for a couple of women to meet you/or take you so that you won't have to go alone. That's what I did. We have many recovering women (several that are married with children) on this board that'll respond to your thread later today.

Dean

Doll · MIP Old Timer

Hi Jenny, I'm Jen, alcoholic in S.C.

Welcome to MIP. Sounds like you're in the right place.

I struggled with "I WILL NOT DRINK TODAY" but did anyway, for many, many, many years. I had the "I hate myself" too. And the longer I ignored it, the worse it all got.

Coming to the realization that I had a problem was tough at first, but looking back, I know it was a blessing. I'd probably be dead today if I'd continued on that path.

You've been given a gift of knowing (that you have a problem with alcohol).

You NEVER have to drink again. You NEVER have to feel that emotional or physical hangover again.

You've taken the first step in reaching out for help. Now take another and call AA?

Prayers and (((hugs))) my new friend.

beachgirl · Senior Member

Hi jenny- the hardest part is to recognize that its become an addiction and is no longer a choice. Waking up with resolve not to drink and failing everytime is one of the most common things in an alcoholics life. The way it messes with your mind is powerful, baffling and cunning, as it says in the big book. I had to learn that I couldn't trust my own mind, which is scarey; but all of us have been in that spot, learning from others who'd been there before and come out healthy.

I was like you in that I drank only at night, after the obligations of life were taken care of. That my hands shook in the morning after long enuf of doing that- didn't matter. The DUI- well that was 10 years ago- didn't matter. Forgetfulness, lack of motivation? I must be depressed... and so on. I have been sober for a year now. It will take a while, but the freedom from obsession, relief at being clear headed and having nothing to hide is amazing.

Oh, and about the chocolate thing- I actually prided myself on having no sweet tooth when friends on diets were falling for cake- I think it must have had something to do with being ODed on the sugar in alcohol. Now I like ice cream again, another fringe benefit of being sober

. Good luck, and welcome. Beach Girl

jonijoni · MIP Old Timer

Jenny,

You are not unique in the pattern you spoke of. It is the True Alcoholic's great obsession... to try to Control and Enjoy his/her drinking. The problem is that we get to a point where all we really end up "enjoying" is the relief that first sip brings, and the rest of our days are utter living hell. We sacrifice every day of our lives, living in misery and obsession, worrying and hating ourselves, and all for that ONE 9 o'clock (in your case) gulp. Because as I am sure you know, the second and the thrid beer and so-on are just miserable maintenance.

Human life was not meant to be spent ignoring and missing out on all the good things about it, in search of a buzz. But somehow we all here ended up afflicted with a disease that takes over our thinking until all we can think about is the next drink.

The only way to arrest this that I know of is to stop, go through the withdrawal (even if we have to go to detox to do so), and then to engage ina program of action (AA) to help keep us form that first one.

I am so grateful that my days and my relationships are now blossoming with sobriety. I rarely get an obsessive thought to drink, and when I do, it is nothing like it was before. Nothing. You may think you are different, like this might not work for you, but we rarely see a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.

Make that call. Gte to a meeting and let someone help you face to face with your problem, because we can't do it on our own. When we try to do it alone, we make a mess of things. When we ask for help, things get better.

You are in good company here. All of us in some way got to a point where we could no longer deny that our inability to stop drinking affected our children, our relationships, our livelihood and happiness. Some of even had to go to the slammer to face that fact. But we all share a common thread, and that is that we are alcoholic, and our lives had become unmanageable, and that AA helped put the pieces back together.

Welcome. It gets better. It really does. There is freedom from aclohol available in AA if you really truly want it.

So glad you came, Jenny.

Joni

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey Jenny,
You might start by having your husband go to al anon and you going to an AA meeting just to check it out. You can just sit in the back and say hi to people. Just let the discusion make you curious and let the low pressure nature of the group wash over you. You can do this a few times and then you may feel like talking. Keep it simple.
It does sound like you need the help of others very much, just like I and the others struggling with this disease can not do it alone.
Good Luck,
Tom

Bryan39 · Senior Member

you've taken an improtant step by coming here take deans advice and read a bit of the big book start with the chapters titled "the doctors opinion" , "Bills story" , and "more about alcoholism" I have a feeling from what you've said you'll see your self in thos words somewhere.

Going to that first meeting is a bit scary but remember that everyone there is or once was where you are tell then its your first meeting and ytou'll be welcomed with open arms

take car good luck and keep posting

Bryan

glenngds2006 · Member

Hello Jenny I am Glenn and I am alcoholic and addict. I am glad to see you here. I am rather new to MIP, not because I am newly sober, but because I just recently discovered it. I just want to say a big welcome and keep coming back.

lani · MIP Old Timer

Hi Jenny
Welcome to MIP! Wow, what great wisdom the others have shared! You see, you are not alone!!! I too have kids and tried the ...wait till hubby goes to work and the kids are in bed appproach. Didnt last too long and Id have a bottle in my car for after work so I coud sneek one in before coming home They knew everytime! Maybe because I couldnt look them in the eyes! It got harder to wait until that appointed time and Id end up passed out by five if I didnt work that day!

What an ugly life I lead! My husband joined AA and I realy didnt have any other choice but to go. Went to meetings but still snuck a few drinks in after! It finally hit me after going to meetings everyday for about 2 months that I was an alcoholic, needed help!!

Today I have over six months in and would have never believed it! Life is good! I feel good about myself. Its not all perfect but a heck of alot better than it was! Love going to meetings and its fun and rewarding to be able to share where I am with people who can relate! Give it a try! Most of us fought it,,,,,embarrassed, didnt want anyone to know, scared to stop drinking, but it does get sooo much better! Good luck and keep posting!
Lani

TLH · MIP Old Timer

I have two sets of CDs of speakers at the 39th and 41st annual AA conventions in New Hampshire that are some of the most helpful listening matter for me. Men and women, old and young, from all walks of life- it makes me feel very comfortable in my skin, knowing that there are all these other people out there who are going through or have gone through the same stuff as me.

Links to those and many others are available here:

http://www.rexark.com/products.htm

These were the best recording quality I have heard and had some of the funniest stuff ever (Leo H is an absolute must- funniest man alive. Totally disarms my fears with his wit.)

Also the John Larroquette ones (at Sobrietytalks.com) are favorites of mine, and even today when I'm feeling depressed I can pop one of those in while driving and snap out of my pity-party and get back to thinking straight.

Some of this should really be stuck in a primary position somewhere easy to reach:

free speaker mp3s:

http://www.aaprimarypurpose.org/speakers.htm

Hi- I'm Toby and I am an incurable speaker meeting junky.

I love great speakers, especially funny ones but anything AA and interesting/informative is cool with me. I have a collection of CDs that fill a wallet to get me through my long drive home or the days I can't make a meeting and feel like I should. I also have a bunch saved to my harddrive on my office comp and my laptop.

My favorite thus far is John Larroquette anywhere and anytime. What a great speaker and he makes you laugh. I need to laugh sometimes.

Anyhow- I found these online and free:

http://www.aaprimarypurpose.org/speakers.htm

And I also have some Buddhist ones if anyone is interested:

Kevin Griffen is the author of
ONE BREATH AT A TIME
Buddhism and the Twelve Steps

http://www.kevingriffin.net/talks_text.htm

and Noah LEvine is the author of Dharma Punx and Against the Stream.

http://www.dharmapunx.com/htm/mp3.htm

(Scroll down on Naoh Levines site.)

You can purchase all kinds of talks at http://www.sobrietytalks.com/ for $5.00 each. They have all kinds of CDs including some really popular ones by anonymous people, some popular sets about the big book and the steps, and some by famous people (I really like the famous people ones because there are a couple people I admire and it's nice to know that they are human and that I'm right there with them, being fallible and getting by.)

There are a ton here:

http://www.xa-speakers.org/pafiledb.php?action=category&id=1

Hope someone who is having trouble getting themselves to a meeting can check these out and make a little headway. There are probably more- I have only googled a couple items (I googled "AA speaker MP3" for that last link) and I have never checked Limewire or any of those resources- I'm sure there's more stuff out there.

Have fun- Toby

http://www.healtalk.com/public/38.shtml

http://www.healtalk.com/public/61.shtml

http://www.healtalk.com/public/40.shtml

I find a lot of dead links and pages removed, but there's a few gems in there if you look.

I'm also a little wary of downloading a virus. If you don't have up to date software please don't download stuff- it's really a bad idea. If you have up to date virus software it's still a good idea to scrutinize the sites you are downloading from. I have not personally downloaded from these last three sites or the last one on the post above as I just found them.

Jenny · Member

The thing is is that my husband really has no idea how much I drink. he thinks i have a beer or two. But When I buy it I hide it and restock the fridge so that it looks as though I only had 1 or 2 or maybe 3. It is so embarassing. I really realized my problem, when he wanted to go to an amusement park, but we were rained out. And I thought thank God, cuz i can't drink there. I just want to stop and solve this on my own without bringing him into it. I am afraid he will hate me. I just need to stop this nonsense. i don't remember the last time I didn't drink. My husband gets up for work around midnight. i have even gone as far as going up to bed before he wakes. faking sleep, and waiting until he leaves to finsih drinking. This is seeming to be crazy to me. I used to have a few beers with a pizza, or on a Saturday night. then one or two here and there. How did I get here???????????????
Jenny

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to MIP, Jen. My name's Danielle & I'm an alcoholic from Liverpool, England. I didn't stick around in my drinking life long enough to reach where you are. I binge drank & had the mental obsession of when I'd drink next. Once I took the first drink, that was it.. I'd be away drinking until last man standing. Actually loved how much I could put away & thought I had some kind of immunity to the stuff.

I didn't really cuz all the while I was wearing down my tolerance & it would only have been a matter of time before I started drinking at surprising times & wondering what was happening, if I even noticed straight away. I did notice when I tried to stop there was a physical, emotional & mental craving. Then during my first meetings I realised I was at Step One of the AA Program admitting I was powerless over alcohol. It had me. Not the other way around.

The other part of that step is the admitting of life being unmanageable. I've always worked & for a long time I 'managed' to fit my work around my drinking. Eventually, I realised that this was pretty much all I was managing to do. Alcohol stole my ambition, my aspirations, my self~respect, my happiness & my spiritual well being. All of which I've been recovering since learning & practicing the 12Steps in my life daily.

I enjoy the fellowship of AA & listening to other alcoholics sharing their experience, strength & hope in meetings helps me to understand this illness & build my mental defences against the first drink. You have lots of questions & you seem already aware that this illness is cunning, baffling & powerful. I hope you'll take the opportunity to try some meetings & see how you relate to everyone there too.

MIP is a great place to be & it helps me to stay sober 1Day@aTime . It's a fantastic supplement for my face to face meetings without which I sure as hell wouldn't be sober despite my desire not to drink cuz simply I can't do this on my own either! Thank God for AA & its teaching me how to love myself. I hope you pick up the phone. Wishing you the best & hoping you stay around, read & post some more, Danielle x

Quetzal · MIP Old Timer

Hi Jenny,

Welcome to MIP. I do hope that you'll stay around.

When I was drinking I would always promise myself that today was the last day I would drink, but that promise was always gone by the middle of the morning and I would start planning my next drink. I did the same thing for year after year. In the end, my boyfriend couldn't stand it any more and moved out.

To cut a long story short, I started going to AA and I just wish that I had gone years earlier. Today I don't need to drink and I am in the company of some wonderful people who all share the same problem with me. For me, I couldn't have got sober without AA. I do hope that you'll try a few meetings. My life has turned around completely now and it's all thanks to AA.

Please keep posting and let us know how things are going for you, won't you? We're all here for you.

Take care,

Carol

TLH · MIP Old Timer

Jenny wrote:

The thing is is that my husband really has no idea how much I drink. he thinks i have a beer or two. But When I buy it I hide it and restock the fridge so that it looks as though I only had 1 or 2 or maybe 3. It is so embarassing. I really realized my problem, when he wanted to go to an amusement park, but we were rained out. And I thought thank God, cuz i can't drink there. I just want to stop and solve this on my own without bringing him into it. I am afraid he will hate me. I just need to stop this nonsense. i don't remember the last time I didn't drink. My husband gets up for work around midnight. i have even gone as far as going up to bed before he wakes. faking sleep, and waiting until he leaves to finsih drinking. This is seeming to be crazy to me. I used to have a few beers with a pizza, or on a Saturday night. then one or two here and there. How did I get here???????????????
Jenny

I find this so familiar. I used to downplay my drinking and trivialize it. I was very hesitant about AA, but I knew I needed to be doing something towards administering the situation with me and alcohol, so I called a few psychologists and asked them if they knew of one who's focus was mainly substance abuse, and I found one. It was such a relief to be able to go talk with this guy (who was like fifteen years sober in NA and AA) and get some insight and some empathy. He never told me to DO anything aside from some simple assignments where I had to think of stuff and come up with a viewpoint about it. It helped a ton and eventually got me into AA.

My big stumbling block with my alcoholism was my pride. It was very tough for me to admit to people that there was something that I couldn't handle on my own, and it was very tough (is very tough still) for me to ask for help. But what I've learned over the years is that alcoholism isn't some moral abberation, a flaw in my character- it's just the way I'm wired, and there was really not a lot I could do aside from admit I was having trouble and get some help. Today I'm not embarrassed I'm an alcoholic. It just is what it is. Knowing more about the disease has helped me understand myself in relationship to the disease.

The best way I can put it is like this: I was in a plane crash in the year 2000 that left some emotional hurdles that really brought me to my knees. I've never been exactly the same as I was before that little incident, but I have gotten past it and manage quite well. I was an alcoholic from the time I was a teenager, but I didn't drink hardly at all from the time I was 24 until I was 36 ( Oddly enough, a year after the plane crash, when I got divorced after 17 years of being together with my ex and 14 years of marriage) My embarrassment about my alcoholism seemed very real and important and relevant and pressing back then, but today it seems about as rational as being embarrassed that I was in that plane crash. Some things are outside of our control and we don't have to take responsibility for them, we just need to act responsibly because of them.

I hope something someone says here helps. It sucks to feel helpless and alone, and no one deserves that and you don't have to stay in that place. There is a lot of help out there. You can call the AA hotline and talk to those people when no one is around and ask some questions and get some insight. I myself felt very relieved to get that private counseling, if for nothing else then just to get information and insight about what was troubling me, though I got a lot more than that out of my time talking with that guy. And although that psychologist moved back to the mainland over a year ago we still keep in touch with an occassional email.

Hang in there. Things get better.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

"This is seeming to be crazy to me. I used to have a few beers with a pizza, or on a Saturday night. then one or two here and there. How did I get here???????????????"
Jenny

Hey Jenny,

There is lot more to it then having a few too many, too close together. trouble is, that it can get a whole lot worse. Late stage alcoholism requires drinking around the clock and those first few in the morning just won't stay down. In a matter of a year or two, everything an alcoholic ever cared about, is gone. Hopefully you won't have to experience the loses that most of us have. Did you get a chance to look for meetings in your area?

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 17:24, 2008-05-11