Every tear that falls is a sign that your heart is healing.

After years of suppressing just about all life had to offer, I had to learn to cry. It was part of learning to let go. When the first tear started to well, instead of asserting my mental sheild (built of kryptonite and denial) I had to learn to let it out. So I used those words above. Over and over.

Those humans out there with the dangly bits... well, they were very tricky types for me to learn to deal with too, I think. My problem with them, was based mainly on early abandonment. I kept looking at things through the eyes of a 3 year old, holding onto the "I love you and I'll be back" waiting for him/them to come (back) into my life and restore life to normal. I honestly think I recreated that scenario so many times. I would let them in, and then push them away (with my behaviour, actions or even simply say "Go away" - like I had some right to direct them anyway??) only to wait for them to then come back and my relationships inevitably became tug of wars, where no one knew who really mattered - quite honestly it was all my limited little mind understood about relationships. Very unkind. Very cruel really, but that's what I did for a very long time.

There was a part of me that adored men. I could momentarily perform in all arenas and almost entrance them, but once I had their attention, I had no idea what to do at all. So I would resort to the childish antics of that little 3 year old... run away, hide, pretend I didn't care or hadn't noticed their attention - and sadly, that game of 'chase' works with a lot of guys who too, who have through life, often developed their own need to pursue love and are used to (or have been trained to) give that attention and receive little in return.

Learning to be friends with guys, isn't something we ever really 'get'. It's one of those always evolving things, like any relationship I guess. I decided to make a conscious decision to try and learn to be a better friend to men. AA provided a great many opportunities to do this, and I found it better when I clarified my intentions from the beginning. I remember some of them smirking, but that didn't matter. I just kept saying it.

The first thing that happened for me, was that I was suddenly inundated by guys who liked the idea of having a female friend without the hiccups of personal relationship - and some of them were REALLY CUTE! Nope. Had to stay focussed. I was damaged goods, and the truth was I had messed with enough heads, and hurt enough guys, on my journey that it really was time to make amends.

I have three guys from that period of my life, who I now today call my best friends. They are gorgeous, loving souls and their strength (when mine at times went slightly wayward) is something I will always appreciate. It is hard to get through to the heart of the matter. To really see others as complete beings, that don't need changing - and in reality DON"T NEED US! Love is not born of need. Learning to love is just plain tricky I think... it is easy to get caught up in external stuff, and bring in issues that help to sheild us, or whatever. But when we continue playing like that, we are really only playing with the people that can be our best teachers. We have to stop running eventually. These friends are the ones, who will help us get honest and stay honest about our ability to be a friend.

When, after several years of sobriety I eventually met my partner at AA, he asked me to marry him. How easy it would have been to say yes, and enter into an AA celebration. Nope. Still today I have to clarify and communicate my values. They were found in the steps and haven't changed. "You are my friend, and as long as we are laughing together and lifting each other up, then we can be together - the moment we stop doing that, we need to re-evaluate what we have to offer and whether we need to move on".

In the past few years, there have been some re-evaluations. The freedom we both value is respected and we take time out to enjoy it, miss the other, and return to show the love we are genuinely feeling. I have a lot of male friends today Amanda and one who I share that little bit more of my life with, than the others. I doubt I will ever marry him. That is not a sign of disrespect, it is (in my mind) the one thing that will ensure friendship always comes first. I asked God to send me a special friend... one who valued his freedom as much as I do, knew how to laugh, could do his own thing (and I'll be honest while I grin)...had a big dangly bit!

Some friends had these huge lists... I didn't want much more than that in a friend. Freedom and laughter were important to me, and I guess out of those two things grow lots of other qualities.

When I start getting annoyed, and think why can't he do this, or why does he do that... I remind myself, Whoooo! You have exactly what you asked for. Let's just focus on the good bits. He is all you ever wanted. He's still making you laugh, and maybe he needs to exercise his freedom right now. I soon start smiling again, and it reminds me to get on with exercising my own freedom. Sure beats sitting around wondering why, or wishing.

You have a friend sitting in that meeting Amanda. He, like us, is learning too. None of us are real good at sorting out the relationship thing. So, I see no point in even playing with the idea. I learned I am a good friend, and in learning that I found a lot of good friends. The saddest things I have ever seen in life (and it happens a bit) is when people stay together and they are just not friends. They create all this other stuff, and they just get lost in it. They lose themselves. And they forget all about the friends they once were.

Kick it all back a gear, Amanda. Take a little time, to remember why you considered this guy your friend in the first place - and just give thanks for those things. Go to your meetings and use a smile to say thankyou, if you haven't quite found the words yet.

Everything will be okay. You are sober and amongst friends. I think you are wonderful, and am glad our paths have crossed.