My last 2 relapses had to do with entanglements with well intentioned married men who could not, ultimately- leave either the lifestyle or the wife. Dynasty is more powerful than passion- I get that. Wives out there- I hope I'm not offending you. The analogy I am drawing is that what seems to be good for me can be bad...moth to flame? In so may ways in my life I have shown myself more than capable of bullshitting myself. Alcohol was the available/unavailable lover....I get that now, tho it makes me sad when I review my life. Sigh, without self pity. Move on from what is obviously bad for me. Thanx for listening.
Hi BG Now theres some honesty!!! Take my husband will you!!! haha Not to be making light of your situation, sounds like you realize what you need to stay away from!!! Wet places, wet people!!
Hopefully you can find someone someday that is unattached and really give yourself to them!
Working on my 4th step, STILL, and wondering if you did one? They say we get rid of all the guilt of the past and learn to move on....
Thanks for sharing...Im sure your not alone on this one! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
You've said an incredible amount in one paragraph. You linked relationships to relapse and dishonesty, attraction to self destruction, deception of self through self pity to rationalization, attraction to the unavailable, and a love/hate relationship to alcohol. Strong message, but do you feel that just knowing these things, intellectually, will prevent them from happening again ala "moving on"?
My 'actions' of change have to start in my mind first..... Once I have that 'ah ha' moment in my brain, then my physical actions can follow. It never worked in the opposite (for me).
Sounds like a huge break thru - good for you!
(((hugs)))
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Wow beachgirl, great share. I went through something similar years ago in early sobriety. Things could not and would not change for me until I truly recognized that the situation held absolutely nothing for me to hold on to in the long run. I too like how you related this to your recovery, because it very much has everything to do with a lot of inside-stuff and self care.
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
you all have replied so kindly to my post; I appreciate that; surely my expectation that the replies would be punitive is my own stuff. Having to do with self loathing over the mistakes...
I do tend to work primarily from my head, and am learning that it is not always my friend. Thats the bullshitting recognition. How that insight gets integrated into my DNA, I'm not sure. I just know that it happens rather slowly and somewhat mysteriously.
There is a book called "The Gift of Fear," its a former forensics guy taking apart crimes, and how the victims often ignored gut feelings about a dangerous situation. He says that no animal ever walked out of the woods into an open field, looked around, felt spooked, and said "nah, its probably nothing."
I try to keep that in mind about all dangerous situations now, without getting too paranoid.
I did go to AA for a year, but I never did step work; had a temporary sponsor who tried to start me on it 2 weeks in. I told her I couldn't jump in so fast, and she said that that was what worked for her, and suggested, kindly, that I get another sponsor. I was put off, so I let it slide.... and here I am. Thankyou all for responding- I hope I answered all of your great questions....Beachgirl
Get back to meetings girl! Do whatever it takes.....The fear, self loathing, bad choices are sure to disappear. Everyone says the only way it worked was by following the direction of others who have gone thru it! Told my sponsor theres a great book I want to read...Her reply: did you read the whole big book yet....Needless to say, Im not buying any new novels!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
yup... back to meetings. Perhaps you could seek another sponsor, one who is not caught up in "rigorous regulations"... I would be willing to bet there are more women who are NOT like that near you in AA, than are are ones who are as rigid as her. Those types are the exception, not the norm.The only way you can find out is to try.
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
I'm stymied; I realise that I have just put you all in the same position I put my temporary sponsor- not wanting to follow what worked for her, in service of my own fear, denial, ego, rigidity. I tell myself that it's enuf that I am not drinking (what is a dry drunk anyway?) I'm in therapy and I am as honest with him as I am with you. My psychiatrist is an addictions specialist. I remember my first entry to MIP- which was- "faltering". You all are confirming, that despite everything I say- I need only one thing: meetings. I believe it was Rilke who said "purity of heart is to will one thing." Beachgirl
Beachgirl, this program is so simple that it's counterintuitive. A lot of us were "too smart" for it and didn't get it the first time around. I struggled for 2 whole years as I watched people that came in when I did picking up two year medallions that I thought would never make it, but it was me that wasn't making it. Meanwhile the step meetings that I was attending were having an affect on me and I heard this part of the second step (12 & 12)
Now we come to another kind of problem: the intellectually self-sufficient man or woman. To these, many A.A.'s can say, "Yes, we were like you--far too smart for our own good. We loved to have people call us precocious. We used our education to blow ourselves up into prideful balloons, though we were careful to hide this from others. Secretly, we felt we could float above the rest of the folks on our brainpower alone. Scientific progress told us there was nothing man couldn't do. Knowledge was all-powerful. Intellect could conquer nature. Since we were brighter than most folks (so we thought), the spoils of victory would be ours for the thinking. The god of intellect displaced the God of our fathers. But again John Barleycorn had other ideas. We who had won so handsomely in a walk turned into all-time losers. We saw that we had to reconsider or die. We found many in A.A, who once thought as we did. They helped us to get down to our right size. By their example they showed us that humility and intellect could be compatible, provided we placed humility first. When we began to do that, we received the gift of faith, a faith which works. This faith is for you, too."
Who likes to follow the rules!!! Certainly not me! Thats why now I dont look at them as rules but as the means to get what others have that attracts me. It worked for them, why not for me! A fine example of sponsors...My husband has been in for 9 months. Hes already making a second go round of the steps. Thats how his sponsor got sober. Mine is very gentle with me and is allowing me to take my time because thats what she learned from her sponsor. As others suggested. Get a new sponsor, one that works well with you! Not FOR you tho! If you get what I mean! Any action is good action. Sometimes quickly , sometimes slowly! Listen, talk, share and the right person will be there for you!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
. I just know that it happens rather slowly and somewhat mysteriously.