Earlier today I had the thought: everything is my husband's fault. If only it were that easy, and I didn't have to take responsibility for my actions. He's a critical guy (just like my dad -- what a surprise). I seldom hear good things about myself. Just subtle digs or outright criticism. Like, "You need to eat more. You're too thin. You eat like someone on a diet. What did you eat today? That's not enough! Don't you want to be healthy?" or more general, "Why did you do that? Let's do it my way." Blah Blah Blah. I feel like saying, "You think I'm so imperfect? How about I go ahead and drink and show you what imperfect is?" Very mature of me, I know. It's not like I expect a ticker tape parade from him for not drinking, but it would be nice if he could muster a compliment or two. Generally, he's a loving, supportive guy, and if I cry enough he says the right things (yes, I am manipulative). But I wish he would think to temper some of the criticisms with kind words now and then. To be fair, I guess I can't blame him for hounding me about stuff. I pretty much blew any trust he had in me. I suggested Al-Anon to him but he said, "You weren't that bad." Um, yes, I was. And I still am. I'm an alcoholic and I suspect I'm going to be a pain in the ass for a while, if not forever. Any advice????
By the way, at least for now I do not believe that drinking will improve this situation at all. I have no interest in drinking today. My morning meeting (with my sponsor) was exactly what I needed. Among other things, the chair read a passage from the Big Book that I read a few weeks ago, and it hit me like a thunderbolt. Something along the lines of, "It is the great obsession of every alcoholic to control and enjoy his (her) drinking." So obvious, but so profound. I'm ready to stop devoting all my energy to the question whether or not I'm an alcoholic. I casually mentioned something to my sponsor this morning, and she just stared at me then burst out laughing. I told her that I am starting to be convinced that I'm an alcoholic and have been for a long time; when I was 19, my parents sent me to detox, then a 30 day treatment program. I remember two things: I had the barber there shave my head, and I punched one of the other residents in the face after she told me she'd pray for me in a group therapy meeting. The first thing I did when I got out? A bender resulting in a two day (I think) blackout. Hmmm, I wonder if I'm an alcoholic? Duh.
Jen your story about your husband reminds me of an old AA joke. There was a funeral, typical sad type, lots of crying. After the ceremony was over a lady who was an old friend of the widow walks up. She hadn't seen her in quite awhile. "So what happened to your husband Frank?". The widow said "It was the alcohol that got to him". The old friend exclaimed, "Why didn't he just go to AA?" The widow snapped back "HE WASN'T THAT BAD!".
Jen to the extent that your husband was exposed to your drinking, and probably one of his parents, he's an alanon/codependent. Control is their disease. When "their alcoholic" (that's you) is drinking, it's easy to control them with shame and guilt... With that they can exert themselves. but when the alcoholic sobers up, the balance of power begins to shift, which is disconcerting to the alanon/codependent. There's a chapter in the big book (sorry I can't name it maybe someone else in the thread can). It talks about the newly sober alcoholic "is like the farmer that emerges with his family from a tornado shelter, noticing that the house is completely gone, and remarks "Can't see anything wrong here"".
There needs to be some mutual consideration given during this period. The recovering alcoholic must be patient while the family adjusts to the new you. And your husband needs to ease up. You can have a nice conversation with him, letting him know that his remarks are a bit pointed and to lighten up a bit, the last you checked, you had been 21 for awhile. But don't start WWIII over it. He must be a good guy, he's still there.
Likewise, your husband might just be waiting for the other shoe to drop, which many of our families are concerned about when we are early in recovery. We alcoholics tend to make things difficult, by being ok (sober) for awhile, and then WHAM. I think I had "trained" my husband to expect chaos at some point after a calm period, so I had to give him a pass here and there, and recognize that he is/was worried for a reason. One night I was staying up SUPER late writing a paper, even though it was not yet due. He kept coming downstairs saying, "Don't you need your rest? Are you ok? Are you sure? I don't think you should be up all night... yada yada." I think the fact that it got to where I was almost yelling, "I AM FINE, DAMMIT... GO BACK TO BED!!!" probably did not help matters. (chuckle) I need to remember that when I was drinking, I actually PUT him in charge, in a roundabout way, whether or not I thought so at the time.
When I began to not even reply to this kind of stuff is when things began to change. If I keep playing into someone else's worry, or POWER, it keeps the cycle going. Deflecting the subject by saying things like, "I am sorry you are worried about such and such, but I am not. I have a good sponsor and I am using all the tools of recovery to the best of my ability", shows I have boundaries today, and even though he is my husband, his concerns do not always become my concerns. That is why there is 2 of us and not just one.
That said, I tend to notice the negative in my spouse, and not the positive. I have to remind myself that I took off my majical magnifying glasses once I got sober. Not everything he says is critical. Some things he says are indeed very nice. I just have to remember that he is human, and not all-or-nothing.
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
