How did u feel when u started writing things about how alcohol destroyed ur life- was it easy, how long did it take? How soon after entering fellowship u actually did it- did u do it because u felt inclined, or ur sponsor said so, or u thought u will do it beacuse the program requires u to look fearlessly into urself? Did u feel scared?
I have to do it, but verytime I think I need to do it, I am getting numb.I don't understand why-after all I have been thinking, having nightmares, writing about precisely the same things since long.
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The most practical, beautiful, workable philosophy won't work- if you won't.
Dear Nisha- I am newly sober, so alot of what I say comes from the vantage point of one year, and not a perfect track record. My experience is that I became sober because of some intense suffering I caused myself and others because I drank. I have learned, hopefully, that you don't have to suffer first to remind yourself to be sober. That's important. Your posts sound very sad; I may not be responding to your questions exactly....Like you, I have major ambivalence about meetings for all of the usual reasons. Don't give up. Even if you slip...so- how did I feel, when I first stopped drinking, when I first went to meetings? I felt welcomed, wary, honest, relieved, ambivalent, scared- like a deer in the headlights of all of these people who have come to terms with their former best friend, alcohol. Are you depressed and maybe need to address that as well? I don't mean to be presumptuous, but an anti-depressant might help. I see a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction- so it's not like you'd be at cross purposes with sobriety.
Hi Nisha, I did my 4th step at 5 months. It took about a month to do it the way that the 12 & 12 suggests. It was a little scary at first. I took a ringed binder book and used 3 pages for every year that I drank, and wrote the years at the top. The bounced around as I remembered that people, places, and what I did. It got easier the longer that I worked on it. I wanted what the promises said so I pushed on with it. Make sure you keep it hidden is a safe place.
I am guessing that you are talking about step one as an earlier post of yours talks about that. If I'm wrong, then I do apologize.
I got a sponsor within two or three weeks of going back to AA. Then, I made a start on writing out my step one when I was about eight weeks sober. It wasn't as easy as I had thought it was going to be, but I was determined to do it and do my best.
I kept a piece of paper and a pen with me all of the time for about forty-eight hours and kept making notes as things occurred to me. Then, I started to write it out in a logical order. When I had done that I left it for a day or two and went back to re-read it and added anything that I thought was needed.
I did feel inclined to do it as I so desperately wanted what the other sober people had in the rooms and everyone was talking about the steps. It also made me feel that I was doing my best to keep sober and that was a super lift for me. Then, after a while when I had done it and my sponsor was happy with it, I would re-read it if I felt an urge to drink. That would stop me dead in my tracks as there was my drinking story and the chaos that it caused.
Nisha, you'll do it and you'll be fine. Talk with your sponsor about how you are feeling. She's there to help you. And so are all of us.
Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I think she's talking about a written 1st step. Many people do it. It doesn't have to be perfect. You've written a lot right here. Go back over your old posts and jot some notes. Any new ideas come along and jot em down. I forget if you got a sponsor but A written 1st and a following discussion with a sponsor can help your relationship and possibly your recurring denial/struggles.
I wouldn't consider it more than talking points. your sponsor might be able to show you how this demonstrates your life has become unmanageable and with this knowledge you might begin to come to the conclusion that you might be powerless over alcohol.. Its a backwards approach but it works with higher bottoms. If you read the first step carefully, you will see it like steps two and three also, are actually conclusions that we come to and nothing more. Honesty, openmindedness and willingness will lead us to these conclusions. Continued relapses will provide the push.
Take it easy on yourself like Phil mentioned. Beating yourself up doesn't heal you. Alcohol has already done that.
If you are talking about a 4th step, it shold not be done at all until the 1st 2nd and 3rd step are solid enough and working daily in your life. They are needed to stay sober and to be able to move forward through the 4th step.
In answer to your other question. I never moved forward on any of the steps until I felt it was the only way left to stay sober. I would have times of serenity and happiness and then I would become a real mess, my sponsor would usually tell me when it was time to move forward. He never hindered me from moving forward more rapidly but usually I would just want to stay where I was comfortable. Invariably it was alcohol coming up from behind that pushed me into the next step. Many of my steps were done solely for survival, alcohol had become as my master in search of its runaway slave.
"Invariably it was alcohol coming up from behind that pushed me into the next step. Many of my steps were done solely for survival, alcohol had become as my master in search of its runaway slave."
I like it, one "one upped" the BB's "rapacious creditor"
I am talking of step one.Its the same woman, but she didn't agree to be my sponsor- she just said do it and get back to me - and i will do that. My fellow member told me that he had sounded her on my condition.I think I will just stick to my basics and DO IT. I think Tugg, I will go back to old posts, and take its help but I also think doing it year wise like Dean did.Phil u gave me a good board to know what is it I can ALSO expect in the process, and the sooner I get it done, the better.First I thot I will do it on computer, but now, Carol, pen and paper will be a good idea- I should be honest when I do it- its the foundation.
Hmm..my posts sound sad- on that I re-read all of my posts till now, I do sound going downhill most of the time, but then I seem to bounce out of nowhere,and unexpectedly.I seriously think now that I should get back on anti-depressants- they at least controlled my impulsiveness and this continuous depressive mood I seem to be in. While I was on pills they did help me, and little bit of sanity is required even to see myself through with working on myself in this program- u know what I mean?
I think tonite I will write what happened to me in 2001- the year I seriously started drinking? Or I should also count the years when I was just having a swig once in couple of days? That time I was drinking only to be Kool and be a a part of the crowd in college.
__________________
The most practical, beautiful, workable philosophy won't work- if you won't.
The med situation is something a doctor should decide. Most people work the steps to get out of the pain. If you take meds and relieve the pain, many never feel the need to work the steps. Meds are a short term solution who's longterm side effects are more depression. They just mask the problem. A year from now the meds will lose effectiveness and the problems will still be there.
Then what?
Work the steps. Bounce stuff off that lady. work together. Maybe she will agree to be your sponsor later. It does not have to be a formal relationship but you are right. It has to be an honest one.
