I find it sad that after a year, I still really want to drink. Maybe I am grieving. There are currently no stressors in my life, things are really good. Friends, family- all healthy and happy. I really liked going to sleep drunk. I feel ashamed about that so it's important that I say it. A good test for an alcoholic would be "Do you think more about sex or alcohol ?" Powerful, baffling and cunning. I think of those words often when I think of drinking. "Get thee behind me, Satan...."
Hi BG Sorry to hear your so sad about not being able to drink and go to bed drunk! I know you posted earlier that you wont go to meetings right now but its something to give some thought to. Ive heard people in the program that have 20 yrs or more, go back out because they stopped going to meetings and working their program. It is cunning. It waits patiently for us to have the exact feelings you are having.
Ive posted too that Im getting a little antsy with summer coming and not being able to have cocktails on the deck with friends. So, youre not alone on that one! Great that you shared where your at. I shared quite often that was how I was feeling and just saying it made me take a look at the whole picture. Keep up the good work!
I find too that the longer Im sober the more I forget exactly how bad it was! I dont have any big drama story, no dui's (thankfully) and not alot of consequences,,,,Financially yes because I drank the most when I couldnt figure out how to pay the bills.....Working on that! But the embarrassment my kids and hubby, family and as I rethinking my past, friends had for me, keeps this girl sober!
This will be my first summer sober so Im sure I'll be ranting and raving quite often! haha
Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
thank you lani, whoever you are. I am very grateful that you seem to always reply to my random posts . I tried to do an online meeting this Tuesday, but screwed up the time- it said 9, but was 8, my time. I'll try again. I know that the "won't" go to mtgs sounds arrogant- it's about confidentiality. Believe it or not, I'm a mental health professional- and I know I have clients going to meetings... ran into one once and she stopped seeing me...even tho I didn't share in the meeting. That's why this site has become really important to me. It is the only place that feels safe.
It's natural for an alcoholic to want to drink. What is unnatural is for one not to drink. You don't need to go to meetings to pray daily for the obsession to drink be removed. It worked for me after about 6 months. Of course I did my 4th and 5th right at that time so It could be the combination of the two, but that's been 18 years ago and I haven't had a serious thought of having a drink since.
As for your anonymity for the sake of your profession, if you're in or near a metro area, there should be some closed meetings for health care professionals. Try calling your local intergroup office and asking. I know that they had them in the DC area in the '80s. There also should be some out of the way meetings that would be safe. A couple questions to ask yourself are: Am I using this as an excuse to not attend meetings? And if I begin drinking again, will my profession be in jeopardy anyway? "Anything that we put in front of our sobriety, we will lose anyway". Our primary purpose is to stay sober. A year is not a lot of time. You're never out of the woods, but getting past 5 years significantly increase one's chances for long term sobriety (statistically). But on the other hand, the disease can progress dramatically in a 5 year period whether someone is drinking or not. And even of those that attend meetings only have a 1 out of 20 chance of staying sober. I hope that you'll resolve the meeting issue in a way that will allow you to attend.
I'm not really good (read try really hard not to) at telling people what to do, so I can only share my own experiences with you.
I crash landed into this program, I was a hardcore alcoholic and drug addict, type of person any sane person would instinctively steer away from. I remember being a year sober and still pretty well out of my mind when it came to accepting the fact that I too would never enjoy a glass of wine with a meal, a few beers with friends watching a game or a drink with a woman.
When I cleaned up one of the very few friends that accepted the new me was my pal Dougy. Dougy and I used to party real hard together, go to concerts, fishing, movies. A couple of regular guys. We had been friends for years. Pretty cool, especially since Dougy was a high quad, meaning he was paralyzed from the neck down and needed assistance to breathe through a tube that was inserted at the base of his throat. As I said we partied hard. Over the years I had held a million drinks for him while he sipped them through a straw or held a bottle up for him to guzzle, drugs the same. At concerts I would unstrap his hand and hold it up for him as we lit a lighter to show our appreciation of the bands. At these shows I often would rock him so hard in his wheelchair that if he wasn't strapped in he surely would have gone flying and done a face-plant. And he loved it all
So when I quit using and drinking these things I also couldn't do with him. And that was okay with him, he was still grateful that I would come over and just hang out with him. When we had partied it was just that a party, an event. He wasn't obsessive or compulsive about it at all. So I would come over and like any good person in recovery I bitched and whined about everything I couldn't do. I'd keep going on and on and he would just keep smiling and supporting me, telling me it would all be okay. It got to the point during my early recovery that anytime I needed serenity I would hang out with Dougy. His peace and acceptance through the Grace of God would somehow get through to me.
My revelation came one day in particular where I was stressed about something that I can't even remember today and I looked to him for an answer. As he lay in bed, he smiled and tried to catch a breath from the ventilator so he could speak to me. He said, "It's not an option."
At that moment in time I realized his words reflected his acceptance of his physical limitations and that he had moved on. Living his life, and grateful to do so. I then understood that if I wanted to make it I'd have to accept my alcoholism and addiction as disabilities. If I wanted to get on with my life, I too would have to accept, it's not an option.
Thank you for posting your concern today. You've blessed me with the opportunity to remember my friend and to once again honour who he was and what he meant to me.
Hi Beachgirl ! I am a lawyer. Was always meticulous about making certain no client could ever figure out that I am an alcoholic. I thought for years that I managed to do that. One day an off the cuff comment by a fairly new client hit me like a nuclear bomb : he knew I drank ! I am sober for 13 months and untill quite recently I also worried about bumping into a client or someone I know at AA meetings. It then got through to me : more people than I'd like to admit must have known about me at least drinking too much + I embaresed myself many, many times whilst still drinking , its way much more important for me to stay sober and for that I need to attend AA meetings . Over time I came to be comfortable with possibility that I can and will likely at some time come across a client or someone I know at an AA meeting. So what if I do ! Humility is a cornerstone of staying sober. Will it be seen as a weakness ? Don't think so ! Even if it is , then so be it . I have to accept who and what I am , including that I have the disease we call alcoholism. Part of that is to be honest with myself and with others. The alternative is to start making excuses ( lying ) to myself which may just start me back on that slippery slide to inevitable self destruction.
Hi Eugene- thanks for responding. Secretiveness can lead to lying; and I know that slippery slope too well. I hate to think that my disease was noticeable, tho I can't discount the possibility or even probability....If shame is not a credible feeling, why are we anonymous?
Welcome Eugene! Glad to see you here and thanks for sharing! Start a thread and introduce yourself! You'll be amazed at the welcome you get!
As far as anonymity goes, I have to do whatever it takes to keep ME sober. I have seen people I went to high school with (alot actually considering I went to a school where 1000 of us graduated in 81), patients and colleagues. (work in a huge organization)
The beauty of it is, were all there for help and yes at first I was embarrassed but now I have the opportunity to relate to people who have gone thru the same stuff as me! Or who deal with the same stressors . In my case, I wouldnt have a profession if I would have kept on the same track!
Granted I wouldnt want all my coworkers to know my business today but if for some reason they knew, I think they would accept it as it is! Maybe the further we get into our program the less fear filled we will be!
I like what eugene said about, "more people than I knew.." How true! Im sure youve had office parties or even parties with non alkie friends and youve embarrassed yourself more than once. They know where we are at and most of them would probably be glad were getting help!
So once again good luck! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Oh and to sept! Thank you for sharing that story. Wow! Does that make you think! Here we are bitching about being alcoholics, which we can control if we so choose to, and your friend just dealt with life on life's terms! Quite an inspiration for me! I always like to think theres someone out there that has it ten times worse than me! (probably doesnt sound nice to say but true) My only problem today is...simply, I cannot drink and life does get better! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
I feel like I need to apologize- my comments were whiney... the bottom line is that I don't have the courage to admit to the world that I am in recovery. It could actually do my clients good, if they knew. I'm just not stong enough yet....
No need to apologize! We all WHINE!!! Im finding that I dont have to shout out Im in recovery to anyone, but those that need it I can share my E,S and hope just by listening and showing them by example how good life can be. Ive had a few patients bring up AA and without tellling them I was a member, gave them literature or pointed them in the direction of a meeting. Especially letting them know that there is no shame in seeking recovery!
Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
I hate to think that my disease was noticeable, tho I can't discount the possibility or even probability....If shame is not a credible feeling, why are we anonymous?
Beachgirl, I'd like to tip toe around your denial, but I think it's enabling to do so. I've got to say that you really sound clueless. What part of the "health care" field are you in?
If I didn't care I'd have skipped your thread. I was a chronic relapser for 2 years, and I lost a lot during that time. I have a lot more to lose now. Please put your sobriety first and the rest will take care of itself.
Thanks so much for your sharing, BeachGirl. This is a wonderful thread & it's really helped me to think about & move towards accepting my situation too. AA has helped me develop my defences against the first drink, helping me to cultivate & keep my desire not to drink but as far as completely embracing recovery & my need for it, I still find this tough & your speaking of the shame we can feel in needing & wanting recovery has voiced & named mine too. I also work in the care field & have often used this as a way of thinking that it seems to be a contradiction for me to be in a supporting & helping role when I need it myself!
I struggle with anonymity as an excuse to feel ashamed of my 'alcoholic' status. I continue on in recovery in the hope that one day I really will have the strength to no longer feel ashamed that I'm choosing to recover in this way. I only have to look at how much it's taught me in helping me to live & I realise my gratitude which chases away the fear. I don't always remember to do this though!
I don't want anything to stand in the way of me getting well & growing up so when I have these thoughts it helps when I share about them. These thoughts can really go towards my not feeling very good about myself at all but, in being cunning, baffling & powerful, this is most likely my alcoholism at work trying to erode my conviction so that I say *Fuck it, I won't be an alcoholic, I'll leave recovery, take that drink & be normal!*
The fact is that I'm not normal (I don't know what normal is.. I hope it means recovered & working a 12Step program lol) I know I can't drink normally. I use it to misbehave & hide from my feelings. I acted out in drink & I'm glad that I don't quite behave in those ways any more. I still act out in other ways but I'm learning about all that stuff in sobriety & in doing Step4&5 (which has taken me forever &, from what I'm to believe from others who've done theirs, is a major factor in continuing to feel the spiritual malady of this disease.)
September's story there has touched me & helped me too. Thanks, 02! Welcome to MIP, Eugene. Like Lani, says, I hope you start a new thread with your ES&H so we can all welcome you thoroughly! Thanks for all of your ES&H here. Thanks, Dean. Happy Sober Day! Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Powerful, baffling and cunning. I think of those words often when I think of drinking. "Get thee behind me, Satan...."
