2 things (long)

jc2008 · Veteran Member

2 things (long)

lani · MIP Old Timer

Hey Jen
Sounds like you have a lot on your plate! All this stuff would still be there whether you drank or not but probably be ten times worse because you'd be doing it alone! Youre doing so great and discovering how great life can be when sober!

I too had a problem with a girl at work and ended up losing my job over it! Totally, now I see, was my fault but I certainly was under a microscope and failed. Pray now for her and the pain is a little easier to deal with. I dont have to see her everyday tho so thats a different thing. See what the power of prayer does. It doesnt help bashing her because that just puts you in a negative frame of mind...

Glad you shared about your bad news. Not discounting the fact of your diagnosis but almost thought you were dying or something! Im sorry to hear your in such pain and your in my prayers! There are new things they are using now to control pain. I'll have to find out the name but two things: A catheter is inserted in your spinal column, sort of like an epidural and its attached to a pump. One "pain pump" has a small amt of narcotic in it, the other deals with electrodes of some sort. Its all enclosed (almost like a pacemaker) but it sounds great. People are getting good relief from these devices! I would certainly consider trying one as pain pills probably wouldnt be an option for me either! I'll try to get some info for you. This day and age no one should have to suffer! Pain is no fun and I deal with it occasionaly when my "cracked disc" flares up. Ouch! So hang in there! Get lots of medical opinions! Lani

jc2008 · Veteran Member

Sheesh! Lani, your message reminded me that I should try to remember the good things. I did have one other medical issue cooking -- concerns about the recurrence of a brain tumor that I had last year, which nearly killed me -- but as far as that goes I've been cleared. I had some symptoms that mimicked the ones I had last year, but once I really thought about it I realized that it was just as likely they were a by-product of not drinking (headaches, dizziness, shaking, etc.) So I should have mentioned that. I am very grateful that my worst fears didn't materialize. Anyway, thanks for your input. I guess I just have to believe that there is a solution for my pain. Like not drinking, I will try to take it one day at a time instead of freaking out about being in pain for the rest of my life.

lani · MIP Old Timer

Amen!!! I TRY to remind myself of that same thing everyday! It is what it is and Things could be worse!!!! You go girl!!!!!

TenderheartsKS · Senior Member

Jen, I understand about the degenerative disc disease and pain because I cope with the same thing. Like you, I don't get much out of PT anymore and surgery is NOT an option for me at this point, and I hope to avoid as long as possible.

My primary care physician referred me to an excellent pain management specialist, and he has been a lifesaver for me. He does epidural injections that are very precise as he uses a fluroscope to guide the needle into the spot where it needs to be. Some patients have been pain-free up to 10 years.

He considers anything 6 months and more a success.

I went 6 months from the first set of injections to the second set, and am hoping for a longer period this time. My sciatica will flare up till I can't even sleep at night.

Now my pain is very managable, I have limits on how much I can lift, time on my feet, etc. I've learned to pace myself too.

That might be something for you to look into.

Chronic pain can really wear and tear on you for sure. I don't do any narcotic pain relievers at all because I know myself too well.

I hope this helps a little.

Doll · MIP Old Timer

it really is progress not perfection... being AWARE of my 'character defects' are 1/2 the battle for me. When I recognize them, I can address them, and do my best to change them. It's easier for me to 'act as if' and my brain eventually (eventually) follows -- instead of trying to change my thinking first....

I've had DDD for many years. 3 surgery's in 4 yrs. Best thing I ever did! The only drawback to the surgery is the nerve damage that comes later, but I deal with it. ICE packs (heat makes it worse), advil and stretching exercises like yoga work wonders. If the disks are ruptured/blown PT will not do a thing but waste your time and money. If they're not blown, that's usually just a matter of time, although I did have one that was only herniated and it got better with exercise and time.

Really your only options are surgery (I assume since you said you're not yet a surgical candidate they have not ruptured yet) or learn to live with it and run the risks of possible paralysis, loss of bodily functions and all sorts of wonderful other things.

You're in my prayers, hun

the other Jen.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

some good advice and experience in here Jen. I'd like to add that with all the drinking we did, our bodies became sensitive to pain, and we built up a tolerance to pain medication. It's typical for an alcoholic to go to the dentist and the novacaine doesn't work. This tolerance will drop as time goes on. Ice packs and advil work pretty well. I have rotator cuff injuries on both shoulders, a arthritic hip, knee, and multi breaks sprains on both ankles, tennis elbow, golfers elbow, and lower back pain from construction work, dirt bike (and skiing) accidents, and car wrecks (people hitting me). Nothing chronic but it's cumulitive. Welcome to middle age

.

As for the adversarial person, you're gonna have that. The things that overcook our grits are: people, places, and things that we can't control. Seeing character defects in others that we possess ("you spot it, you got it"). And likewise negative traits or experiences that are linked to unresolved baggage of our past (parents usually). This group is tough to spot, and the reflex reaction of our feelings comes on pretty fast. Step 10 is awesome for this type of stuff. I found this while looking for the paragraphs on the "Spiritual Axiom".

http://indisincted.blogspot.com/2007/12/spiritual-axiom.html

Sunday, December 9, 2007
Spiritual Axiom

Work is becoming more and more of a struggle for me. I used to love working, losing myself within it. Knowing that if I focused on work, I wouldn't have to think about anything else.

Since I've come into recovery, work doesn't have the same magic. Well, it does, but I don't want the magic to happen anymore. I can still lose myself in it. Getting caught up in the business. Solving problems, blah blah blah. Then at the end of the day, I look back and notice that I haven't thought of what God was up to, or taking time to be in the company of people. I feel disappointed with myself for doing that. I also realize that I have an obligation to my employer to do what he asks me to do.

The mantra with my employer is the same as any other big company. "More with Less." We will lay off people, and the rest that remain, you have to do your job plus what the missing employee's used to do.

So, I get angry and resentful. I feel sorry for myself. I know I have a choice. I can take it or leave it. I also have responsibility to others that I care for, so the choice isn't always about me.

I've still been pondering step 10 these past days. If I read the chapter on step 10 out of "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" it warms me repeatedly about the dangers of anger and resentment.

It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about "justifiable" anger? If somebody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad? Can't we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it.

Do I have any ground to stand on when I become angry with my employer. When I give way to my anger and let my supervisor know just what I think about the new order of business who do I hurt? The following paragraph indicates that I had just keep my mouth shut. (Anyone got duck tape?)

Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we alcoholics. It mattered little whether our resentments were justified or not. A burst of temper could spoil a day, and a well-nursed grudge could make us miserably ineffective. Nor were we ever skillful in separating justified from unjustified anger. As we saw it, our wrath was always justified. Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely. These emotional "dry benders" often led straight to the bottle. Other kinds of disturbances--jealousy, envy, self-pity, or hurt pride--did the same thing.

So I can't continue to go on with my attitude about my job. I have not given the recent changes a good chance. I'm still learning the systems and until I do, I can't properly gauge the work load. I also have to trust the people I work with to do their part and not take responsibility for everything.

When I get angry at work, I need to do a spot check inventory. (As suggested by YamadogGirl in her comment to my entry titled "Daily Reprieve") Why am I angry? (I think I'm being forced to do something I don't want to do!) What part of me is affected? (emotional and material security -- I don't know If I can or even want to do it. Either way, losing my job will affect me materially and emotionally.) What is my part? (I want to have control over what is happening to me. I can't accept. It's not the way I want it to be.) What is the exact nature of my short coming? (I am selfish and self-centered (and, I hate to admit it, just a bit lazy, wanting the comfortable old job)) I am like a child, stamping my feet, wanting things my way.

Acceptance is just that. My work is the way it is. All I can do is try my best. I don't need to be fearful about it. I can put it in God's hands, stop worrying about what everyone else is thinking and just try. Just for today. Thank you.

jonijoni · MIP Old Timer

Welcome back to life, in a sense, Jc. I do not say this with any negative connotation implied, as I have had to wake up and realize that not everything goes my way just because I got sober. The thing is I never DEALT with anything properly when I was drinking/using, so there it all sat waiting for me once I did get sober. People and situations that are unacceptable to me.

Being drunk was like having a paper bag over my head with two small holes cut in it so I could only see and hear and "feel" a little of what was going on in my life. I thought my alcoholic paper bag made some things in life more tolerable, but not so... they were festering and growing, and now that the bag has been yanked off my head, it "hurts" sometimes. I am a lot more sensitive physically and mentally and emotionally without being numbed all the time.

What I have had to do, with the help of both a great sponsor and a good counselor, is to try to implement "Easy Does It" in ALL my affairs. This means taking care of certain things, and no longer fighting others. Your problems at work, and physical issues, as well as some relationship-based stuff will not mend overnight. It took us a long time to get into the shape we were in when we came into AA, and it will take awhile to get to where we can accept that some things are just the way they are, and others, we can take steps to repair.

I like to recall the part in the Big Book where it talks about Acceptance:

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person,
place, thing, or situation--some fact of my life--unacceptable to me,
and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing,
or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober;
unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world
as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."

What this says to me, is that I have a choice as to what is going to bother me today. It takes awhile to get comfortable with this concept, but Acceptance really works. I do not believe we are supposed to just let things be, where we CAN do something, like in the case of physical injuries, illness, etc. We certainly did not get sober so we could continue to not take care of ourselves. But if we are doing all we can to make our lives better, then we need to accept each days' circumstances, having put forth our best.

While drinking, we tried to control everything. We drank when we could not make things happen to our liking, and we drank to celebrate when we did make things happen. In sobriety, our minds still try to twist events into either an excuse for an alcoholic pity party, or for an alcoholic "celebration". We need to watch out for this.

Do what you can with the day in front of you, and when it is over, accept that you did your best, and that you were not responsible for anyone but you. And i do hope that you can take steps to get your physical pain resolved. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers on that. But as for the rest, try a little Acceptance, where others are concerned. I know it helps me a lot.