OT - Trying to find where I belong....

LIT · Newbie

OT - Trying to find where I belong....

Bryan39 · Senior Member

1st my advice would be to give alanon a chance with that much alcoholism around you I have to believe that you would gain from it.

The only other thing i can say is if you really believe it to be an addiction is that i googled sex addiction the following is a twelve step site for it there were many other resources as well.

http://www.slaafws.org/

Good luck you're in my prayers

Bryan

lani · MIP Old Timer

Hi there
Welcome...
Good luck with getting the help you need. Im sure there is something out there for you to help. The advise above is great. Stick around here if you want. We'd love to get to know you.
In my opinion, we all just have a disease or an addiction and we use those things, drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping to fill a void within ourselves. What ever program we use is one that will help us get better and to love ourselves and a Higher power, so we can love ourselves and not use those things to make us whole or happy.

Just admitting we have a problem is the first step...
Lani

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hi LIT,

I applaud you for searching for a solution to your issues. Have you looked here
http://www.codependents.org/

and you might find some help here as well
http://www.slaafws.org/

one thing that I'd add is that it's difficult to be in early revocery (you or your boyfriend) while in a relationship. One usually doesn't survive the other. So you both will need to work extra hard at it or be willing to let it end. not the greastest of news, I know, but it may be helpful to you. Good luck to both of you.

Dean

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 13:30, 2008-03-26

Lee P · Newbie

>>1st my advice would be to give alanon a chance with that much alcoholism around you I have to believe that you would gain from it. >>

This that Bryan wrote rings right to me as well..

My maternal Grandfather was an abusive alcoholic. He emotionally devastated my Mom who in turn basically did the same thing to us, her 4 kids.

I do well in AA. My sister, who so far as I know has never taken a drink and doesn't live with anybody who drinks, at all, does well in Alanon. She too is a victim of alcoholism, albeit 2 generations removed.

You don't have to be a drunk or a classic alanon type to suffer the damage of this disease. It poisons down through the generations and touches everybody who has ever been anywhere around Ground Zero.

So far as the infidelity things goes, it may well be that classic 12-step work will help this. Not to over simplify, but i believe a common thing that virtually all addictions share whether it is to shopping, alcohol, sex or anything else is that they all are an emotional attempt to fill a hole in us.
The nature of the hole doesn't really vary that much, but what we use to fill it or blunt the pain does. I think the 12-step approach can work on any of them and I'd encourage you to keep trying it.

Just a viewpoint...

Phil · MIP Old Timer

Howdy!!

Lot of great replies here...I cant add to it..

Welcome to MIP.

Phil · MIP Old Timer

Hmmm...

Living life...one day at a time...and in any type of recovery..is about trying trying to attain emmotional balance...and living within our own skin..

There are many ways of doing that...

As has been mentioned....

The 12 steps, can be a great solution...in attaining that balance..:)

LIT · Newbie

A special thanks to everyone who responded....I'll see if I can respond in somewhat of a concise manner weirdface

1st my advice would be to give alanon a chance
Bryan - Yes! I do plan on continuing my Alanon meetings. I think they are invaluable in helping my relationships with my alcoholic family. And I've gotten a lot out of them. I think I'm just looking to supplement that with something that helps me more with my addictive feelings. Definitely not to replace it!

As for sexual addiction, I've been 'assessed' for that - because when I had my affair, I was afraid that I was a sex addict. Instead, my counselor (in counseling for 4 years, also!) says that I am addicted to 'romance'. Like a moth to the flame, he says.

And thank you for praying for me - that means a lot.

In my opinion, we all just have a disease or an addiction and we use those things, drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping to fill a void within ourselves.
Lani, this is so true! I remember hearing someone say 'lots of people have bad marriages...but it doesn't mean they have affairs'. It was definitely me looking to fill a void within myself. For the most part, that has improved after counseling. But just like any addict, there are triggers that set me off - and just yesterday, I realized what this one was. That has helped, as well - just knowing.

Even though I wasn't in Alanon until about 3 months ago, my counseling group helped me in many ways that are similar to the 12 step program. It has been so important for me to identify with a higher power, and to realize that life is about happiness and joy - but equally about sadness and strife. Also that we have to allow ourselves to feel. And not try to escape the negative feelings.

Thank you for inviting me to stay...it's nice to be with people who understand addiction.

St Pete Dean, Codependency is definitely an issue that I have. I've worked on that the last 4 years - to rebuild myself, to be myself, to not see myself through other peoples eyes....to care for myself - that's a big one. I now make sure that I don't overextend myself and that I set my limits to what I can and can't handle. I was the 'doormat' kind of codependent. I still get a lot of those feelings, but like others, I allow myself to feel them, and just let them pass. I can only control my actions.

one thing that I'd add is that it's difficult to be in early revocery (you or your boyfriend) while in a relationship. One usually doesn't survive the other. So you both will need to work extra hard at it or be willing to let it end.
Honestly, what can I say about this? wink

All I can tell you is that I am my own person, he is his own person. About a year ago, we sat down and said "if we are going to do this (relationship), we are going to do it right." We've worked hard to be completely honest with each other (even if it hurts), to try to understand each others feelings, and work together toward a solution, and to allow each other to be themselves. I don't think it's easy for either of us - but luckily, we both know and accept that it is work. Neither of us wants it to end, but I think we both know that if we aren't healthy individually and together, then no good can come of our staying together.

virtually all addictions share whether it is to shopping, alcohol, sex or anything else is that they all are an emotional attempt to fill a hole in us.
Lee P, again, this is so true. It's funny, because growing up, it really did feel like I always had a 'hole' in me. But I never knew what it was. Alcoholism in my family goes well beyond just my parents - my mom's 5 brothers and sisters are alcoholics - 4 of them recovering - my great grandfather was an alcoholic. For some reason, it seems to skip a generation in my family - none of the 16 cousins I have seem to have a problem with alcohol or drugs...BUT, like you said, it can manifest in different ways - and I'll bet we all have traces of it running through us.

Thank you for being able to understand.

Howdy!!
Phil, I guess you wouldn't know that I am a fightin' Texas Aggie (no boos and hisses please biggrin

), so Howdy is a favorite of mine! Howdy right back! You are right - it's an emotional balance. And most of the time, I'm OK. But every once in a while, I get thrown a curve ball...and it usually happens when I'm trying to tolerate a bad situation while hoping it will get better. A bad marriage, a difficult separation for rehab....The feelings I get are 'if I can only find something to hold me over'. That's where I get into trouble. The escape 'just until XYZ goes away'

Thing is, you can't escape life. You have to live it.

Thanks to everyone. I think (if it's OK), I will keep posting and reading here - and I may try to supplement the Alanon with some AA meetings. Maybe people will be as open and understanding as you all have been here. If not, I guess there's no harm in trying.

You guys have been wonderful. Thank you