Do you remember the day...

paul86 · Veteran Member

Do you remember the day...

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

I was sitting on my bed loading and unloading a 9mm pistol fantacizing about shooting my x, my x's new boyfriend, and my x's parents and no I was not on the list but I wasn't ready to relocate to mexico just yet biggrin

Sept_19_2002 · Veteran Member

Like it was yesterday.

I remember that I was overdosing and that I was about to die. I wasn't afraid to die.

As I died, twitching spastically while my heart shuddered, exploding and convulsing, the only thought that haunted me was that no one would notice my body. I had alienated everyone around me. The only people that were obliged to check on me were my parents on their return stop over from Australia - a month away ... Then I blacked out ...

Several days later I came to. I was covered in my own feces, urine and vomit. This was not new, I had made a habit of doing this, this was normal. But I had never been out so long. I guessed that I was out for close to three days. That realization scared me, an ugly fear came over me. I was too well rested ... the reality being that with that much rest I would have the strength to surely kill myself with alcohol and drugs on this next binge.

I showered under scalding hot water and rushed to a meeting at a detox center that I used to go while I used. I'd go to meetings there with this girl who was working this scam to get money from someone if she went into treatment and did meetings. I'd go loaded and make no sense at all when I talked and I say talk because it certainly wasn't sharing. This time when I went there I honestly thought they would take one look at me and know how f**ked up I was and immediately lock me into some sort of quarantine and whenever they found the key, I would come out okay .. you know get my sh*t together for a few days and crank her up again.

But a funny thing happened, someone at the meeting talked to me and what they said made sense. I somehow realized that I could actually stop. And I did for about a day. I went to 3 meetings back to back with this guy and then I got into an argument with that girl running the scam and immediately relapsed. That relapse was the best thing that ever happened to me because I got it - all I knew was to use whenever things didn't go my way - I could only get it if I accepted that my whole way of thinking was wrong. The guy that talked to me and had taken me to those meetings didn't judge me, he said it was a disease. He told me that through the steps I could learn how to deal with life on life's terms. It would be okay. Just don't drink or use right now. Don't worry if you do or don't ... just don't right this second.

That was Sept the 19th 1992 and I haven't drank or used since. Oh yeah, I remember the day.

As I've shared before I still get down on my knees everyday to thank my Higher Power for loving me when I could not love myself. biggrin

learning · MIP Old Timer

So depressed over what alcohol was doing to my AH/our marriage. He had upped and
moved out, in with his mistress, leaving me with little money and three beautiful children to
raise.
Went to dr. where I was given antidepressants "to help me function and cope". Was on
the 2nd day's dose. Took them right before bed. (Habit of making trip to bathroom in the middle of the night.) Nature made it's call around 1 am. I was laying on my back and
COULD NOT MOVE NOR COULD I SPEAK. I could only look around. For close to 45mins.
I lay there thinking "OMG, I can't even yell for help." Then my thoughts centered on my
kids. They needed me to be WHOLE. And over and over praying/pleading with God to
give me the help I needed. The strength to take care of my children and the strength
to "let go" of my AH." I trully believe that those who are in relationships with alcoholics
hit a bottom as well. And that night was a turning point.
I finally got my toes to move and gradually but very slowly the remainder of my body.
I got up and went to the bathroom and dumped the rest of the meds down the stool. Decided
right then and there with or without AH, with the grace of God I could carry on. It wasn't
to long after I began MY program with AA.

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

The day I first realised I had a serious drink issue & would have to stop was the day after I had snook out of the house leaving my boyfriend in bed so that I could go to town & drink for as long as I wanted. I was alone, lonely, sad & a mess. I wasn't drinking to be sociable. I was drinking as a result of that infernal craving & to get out of my head. I didn't seek oblivion or blackout, just as far as pure escape & self~justification like "I'm me, f*ck the rest of you who terrify me & forget everything I'm trying to learn, I can't take the responsibility anyway.." It led me to sordid places, it kept me feeling small, I had no class, was full of attention~seeking behaviour & totally angry & empty tho I had no idea how much. I had no idea at that time how close to a spiritual death I had come. My ex woke up & came looking for me in the morning. He thought I'd been out with someone else, not true, but how could I defend myself when I had been a flirt in drink & had flirted in front of him too. "I'm not a cheat but I like the attention." So I had no defence to his accusations. I hooked into his anger & insecurity & he hated me for it. Mistreated me for it. I don't care to share where else all of that had taken me at times with him but there was humiliation time & again. He wasn't good for me either. We were both ill but I still loved him. He left that day & I died inside. Dead. Couldn't function. All light had gone out. He came back later after I begged & attacked my attitudes & behaviour from every which way in regards to my drinking. My Ego broke & the vice~like grip I'd kept on that habit finally broke apart & I was defeated. Utterly defeated. And what a relief when the surrender came & I lay down & cried in utter submission. It was so painful but what a joy & freedom came from that excruciating moment. I gave up & said 'I won't drink any more' & I didn't.. for 2 months. Then I went to my first meeting in curiosity thinking I had this thing licked. Went on the Monday, took a drink on the Friday & slipped 4 times in total over the next 2 months until I learned to surrender again. I shared about it in the meeting tonight. Boxer Charlie was in the chair & I told him all about him being my first miracle in AA (amongst many) when he helped me after 5 weeks sobriety, my boyfriend was using & I thought I was going to drink again. It was Nov 5th 06 & Charlie was the only one I knew at the meeting that night. It was the first time I admitted & conceded in a share saying 'Hi, my name's Danielle & I'm an alcoholic'. I cried & cried & cried, full of distress, not feeling safe but the help & the fellowship I received that night saved me from myself & 1Day@aTime I haven't taken a drink since. It was lovely for me to be able to share this back to Charlie tonight. It took a hell of alot of pain for me to stop in the first place & then to stay stopped. I couldn't have done it on my own, by myself. That's the joy & the miracle of it that I had AA when I needed it most. The rest of the time has been about working my Steps & working with my Sponsor, healing from the inside out & helping others the way I have been helped. I wouldn't be anything without this program & our fellowship. Thankyou all for being the miracles that you are. Thanks for asking, Paul. It's a gift to be able to share like this. I hope your meetings are going well & your heart is on the mend. You said you were devastated after you'd broken up with your girl.. Me & that partner broke up the following february & it's been a year now. It's taken time but I'm much stronger & have so much more to give now that I've spent the time working on me. Being single is a blessing in early recovery, believe it or not! We develop a strength & Higher Power we couldn't have in depending on another.. It's amazing. I hope you're finding this too. We're all here for you! In recovery, Danielle x

-- Edited by Sobrietyspell at 21:36, 2008-03-10

Doll · MIP Old Timer

I was on vacation that week, which gave me a great reason to drink everyday. I didn't go out of town, but I did hit the local bars with some 'girlfriends' almost every night. I came to Saturday morning July 2nd, 2005 in a panic. I was in my own home, but don't remember how I'd gotten there. I slowly walked thru the house and realized the front window was busted out. I looked down at my arm and it was covered in dried blood. I ran to the garage, the front driver's side of my car was smashed, the door was open and my keys were still in the ignition. I had a terrible flash in my mind, I remembered hitting something, but oh dear God what! I shut the car door and went back into the house. I filled up the bathtub and climbed in. I remember thinking I just wanted to wash it all away. I felt sick to my stomach, not from the booze, but from guilt and shame. I wanted to die. The only thing that kept me from taking my own life that morning was the thought of my son. Where would he go? Who would take care of him? ------ I stayed in the tub until the water was ice cold. It felt like punishment and I deserved it..... I lay on the sofa for hours trying to remember where I had been and what I had done. Another flash of some guy hanging over a balcony vomiting. Then my phone rang, it was a cell number I didn't recognize. When I answered it he said "This is Nick. I wanted to make sure you got home OK". I politley said "yes, thank you." made other small talk, the whole while my head was spinning "Who the F was Nick? Was he the guy hanging over the balcony? and where was that balcony at? Where had I gone? --- I couldn't remember.... All day I lay on the sofa and stared at the ceiling. The more time that went by the more I started to remember other things through my years of drinking. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks, I had lost my keys and broken the window out to get into the house. And this was not the first time and I'd told John that my son had hit a golf ball into the window! I really wanted to die at that moment....I tried to push it all down. I wanted things to be normal, so I made myself get up and walk to the mailbox, heading back to the house I saw I had smashed into my own garage. I remember saying "Thak you, Lord."... Then it was like a flood gate had been opened up. I was drowning in my life of drama, chaos, heartache, lieing, cheating, stealing, sneaking, hiding. Things started to hit me that I'd done or caused from years before....... I prayed "Dear God, please help me!" --- John was on night shift that weekend so I decided to check my email, since I couldn't remember the last time we spoke. I was terrified that I'd talked to him in a blackout. Sure enough, there was the email. He was finished with me. He'd had enough. He couldn't take anymore.........I googled Alcoholism first. Then I searched "alcoholic forums' and found MIP. My very first post I spilled my guts. Phil and Gammy Rose begged me to get to a meeting right away. I walked into my first AA meeting on Sunday July 3, 2005..........

Psalms 126:5 - They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. 6 - He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves [with him].

-- Edited by Doll at 23:04, 2008-03-10

jc2008 · Veteran Member

It was 20 days ago. I met my husband (D) and kids on the way home from work for dinner. Of course, I had already had a few drinks (on the drive there!). D casually mentioned that he wanted to run an errand on the way home; could I take the kids home? I felt a moment of panic; I didn't want to drive with them, since I had been drinking. But, I certainly didn't want to tell D that. And it was only a short way home. No big deal. Thank God, I made it home safely. Put the kids to bed (I vaguely remember), then had another drink: wine, in my closet. Very classy. D came home around 9:30, later than I expected. I was well lit and tired. I asked him if he bought anything. He stared at me for a moment, then told me that he hadn't gone shopping. He'd been to an Al-Anon meeting. He found my stash of empty bottles a few days before, called AA, and they told him to go to the meeting. He calmly told me that he knew he couldn't make me stop, knew he couldn't change me, but that he could help himself and the kids. I was horrified, ashamed, and sick. And mad: how dare he go through my things? How could he accuse me of being an alcoholic? I only hid it because he was so nosy about my drinking! He told me that he loved me and that he would support me if I wanted to get help, then went to bed. I stayed up most of the night, tormented. I thought, of course I abuse alcohol! I have so much pain and tragedy in my life, blah blah blah. Then, around 3 in the morning, something happened. I thought, I don't have to die young from alcoholism, like two of my uncles did, or struggle through life, miserable, like my alcoholic father and grandmother. I don't have to lose my family, or my job, or get arrested. I can get off of this runaway train now. I cried. I went in and looked at my sleeping children and cried some more. I was more tired than I had ever been in my life. Everything felt heavy. I went on the computer and found a list of meetings in my area. When my husband woke up, I told him that I knew I was an alcoholic, and that I could never safely take another drink again. I thanked him, and told him that I believed he might have saved my life. That night I went to my first meeting. I cried. All I could muster was my name. But I got a white chip. I felt free.

hawntid · Member

I remember barking at my daughter as she stared down at me from the top of the stairs. She yelled back "...your drunk again!". I saw the disappointment in her glassy eyes, just before she turned and ran for her room. I melted into a pool of self disgust.

Its as if I was walking blindfolded, not knowing or caring how close to the precipice I was. I was walking slowly but surely to the fall, to losing everything that should have mattered to me, but up until then, nothing did...except the next.

I was unable to do what was needed. I had been deceived, the liquid darkness pretending to be my friend, silently stealing...slowly stealing...always stealing everything it could, as it had done for years. It kept me from seeing, kept the blindfold on me while looking forward to the inevitable show, its inevitable purpose...my inevitable fall.

I suddenly stopped, as if grabbed by an unseen force or guiding hand. I removed the blindfold, I realized where I was and where I was headed...it finally mattered

That was the last time the pretender ruled over me, that was March 06, 2006.

h

-- Edited by hawntid at 09:40, 2008-03-11

-- Edited by hawntid at 09:45, 2008-03-11